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I'm kinda sorta a few days late on my birthday writing.  Partly because weekends kick my ass at work and I don't have a lot of free my mind time and partly because I had to get my head wrapped around it.  Not really sure how I feel.  A big deal was made about my birthday by my Velcro and friends that I've only known for a handful of months that most likely do not know my last name.  Of the two that were there from the start...one is dead and the other, I'm beginning to come to grips, doesn't care for me so much.  At least not as a person...as an idea I'm holding onto hope that she does.  I hate that...I hate that I've filtered myself so much for so many years trying to not disappoint or upset for being so ragingly different.  Only to still not be liked.  I prefer if you're not going to like me that I give you a big fucking reason for why not.  For the longest time I just felt rebellious but now I know that its just who I am and I've grown into it quite well.  I've been told more times than I can count "That's not the way you were raised".  I didn't get a call on my birthday from her...
I feel amazingly grateful for the people who are in my life by chance or more likely fate.  They are the ones that make me feel important and special.

I made a random observation the other day to Velcro and once again my unaverage girl knowledge surprised him.  None was the answer when we tried to figure out how many chicks would have known what I was talking about.  Then he says to me "You are one of none".  And I like being that girl.
I realized this morning how much more I like early mornings and prefer the sunrise and clean cool air and birds singing vs late nights drinking to the desperation samba being danced in smokey confines.  I am aged out...and I am happy about that.

What I Am

I am unappologetically non-conformist.  I buck the basics of society that most people govern their lives by...marriage, religion, breeding and the art of consumerism.  I own better than I rent.  The two times that I've signed leases I've broken them...and the same can be said for marriage licenses. 
I take the next logical step but without over thinking or planning out the next 10 steps to follow.  I feel entirely too young to have smile lines but at the same time I feel like I've lived so many lives before. 

My house is packed up...yet again.  This little island has been the only consistent thing in my life.  For 20 years now...its been there.  I remember the feeling of relief that I felt for all those years when I would drive down and cross over Highway 17.  It's the same feeling I feel everyday now...not having to contend with the real world....the one that exists away from the ocean.  I've sworn to never leave the coast again....I have found me a home...in a sense.  And I'm not now...just migrating a little tiny bit souther.  Unfortunately it will not be enough for the weather to suit my clothes but its that next logical step that I pride myself in being able to find with very little effort every time. 

There's good in everything.  Seeing the waterway from my rented deck.  Grilling for yourself at lunch time on a Thursday with a cold Corona.  Going to miss those things.  Think I may miss the complete lack of obligation...the idea that I could pick up and haul ass at any given moment.  I like the idea of it but it makes me feel restless and unsettled and dangerous at the same time.  Looking forward to not feeling that way. 

So if something calls for a tablespoon of vegetable oil and you just spray the shit out of it with that oil in a can stuff...does that count?  I'm still always gonna be just me.

3 Years

There are a couple of things that I've relearned or just noticed about having a cat around again.  First off their poo frickin stinks...like way worse that people poo.  Cause people can courtesy flush and/or spray poo spray or close the door and tell you not to go in there...cats, not so much.  And if you brush them and make them super comfortable and happy...they will fart on you.  Guess that sort of goes the same for men (current excluded).  The last thing I can't believe I've never picked up on before.  Cats do not have a reverse.  I can even say to Roger "back back back" and he will hit the entire surroundings camera and back it right on up. (For some reason I give commands to him in 3's...no no no...comeon comeon comeon.  They all come out in 3's for some unexplained reason.)  But the cat...forget it.  The dog is reversing and her answer is to hit in warp drive and dart directly into oncoming traffic (me). Think she does it just to fuck with me...same with leaving the turds uncovered.  Just her way of getting back at me for abandonment.

Other noteworthy info...the microwave situation has been handled by one ubber resourceful Velcro.  The resourcefulness didn't involve a Walmart receipt or it would have forfeited its title.  Anyone can go buy one and the buying of one would have been a put off.  I played my crazy card in the Food Lion produce department when I caught my self say out loud "Ooo yaaayy potato!  I have a microwave now!" This was before any alcohol consumption.  In my defense I'm pretty sure the time of day I go to the store there are lots of people in there talking to themselves. 

Three years ago tonight I balled my eyes out by myself....alone in my parents house.  I came to terms with it and no one could understand how I went through the next several days stone faced and even keeled.  How I stood and watched my mom wail and cry and hug a lifeless body with calm emotionless detachment. How I managed to make the guys at the funeral home laugh and maybe see death a little differently that time.  I've been trying hard over the past week or so to not relive it, not to see it or smell it like it was yesterday.  It's not that life doesn't kick me in the balls...more times than I'd like to admit.  It's just that I deal with it in my own time and don't put it out there to be seen.  Time is an amazing healer.  I've flipped my world upside down and backwards since then mainly in response to seeing how I don't want my life to play out...short lived and just shy of living that everyday happiness.

Today I rode my bike and shared my beach chair with a guy that I'm crazy about.  I walked at sunset in cold tidal pools with my furry best friend. I grilled a little steak just for me and shared it with that same furry guy. I have no idea where I belong in this world and that's sometimes a lost lonely feeling.  But when you don't look at it on such a big scale it makes it manageable.  I feel so loved today and that's all that really counts.  As long as today is good and tomorrow today is good then the next day doesn't matter so much.  I don't know where I'm headed but I know where I've been has been exactly where I needed to be.  No regrets...no second thoughts.  I'm holding the hand that's meant to be holding mine.  I'm not leaning on...just walking beside and loving sharing my life.  Velcro brought me flowers today because he knew that 3 years ago I watched death win...and it meant more than I can even begin to wrap words around.  Life is rough and tumble and sometimes you get sand skunt knees and saltwater all up your nose but its what makes life worth living.

March Madness & Randomness

My longest running relationship ever is with one Carletta cat.  She recently came back to live with me after a several month hiatus.  Not sure the dog is so excited about it.  She's in my best recollection about 16 years old.  With a guy it's somewhere sandwiched between my dog and my friend little Gary and I love them both dearly...all though I've never had to clean up yak on the carpet after Gary or I would possibly feel differently.  We met back when I was about 23...we promised to marry each other if neither of us had found anyone by the time I was 40.  I think I'm gonna have to renig on the deal since I am fast approaching and have no real intention of ruining my long running long distance guy friendship.  And not for nothing they say the Mayan calendar ends December 12, 2012.  Which means I won't hit 40.  So I have full intentions of living like a full out son-of-a-bitch for the next year and 9 months-ish.  I personally think the little Chuy look a likes just got tired of writing...at some point you have to throw in the towel and just go get a margarita. When we wake up on December the 13th like any other day then I'll burn that Mayan bridge when I get to it. 

On the Art of Doing Without.  3 weeks plus running with out a microwave.  My mother has offered to let me use hers but I haven't starved and if anything I've become pretty fucking resourceful. There's some kind of strange feeling of accomplishment with making the decision to do without.  Microwave popcorn is still eluding me but snacks I'm not without.  So you know how life in Casa de Single Chicky goes...I stood in the kitchen one night after work eating peanut butter on a spoon (which has become a staple) while holding Roger's peanut butter jar still for him with my foot (yes he has his own jar...partly because he likes creamy and I like crunchy and partly because I double dip the knife when loading his peanut butter dildo)  He loves me...who could blame him.

I put my extra kayak up for sale on Craig's list yesterday.  It was actually my second extra kayak. Yes I bought 2 different ones for 2 different people.  I've spent alot of time in my life trying to get someone (or several someones) to do things with me.  Point well taken to self...if you have to buy something in attempt to get someone (anyone) to go do things with you...you need to quickly and quietly exit stage left. Lesson learned. In life I'm very tired of waiting for someone to catch up so I can go live and enjoy my life.  So this year when I want to learn to surf...I'm going to do it.  When I want to try kite surfing...I'm going to do it.  And when I feel like kayaking...I won't have the extra one making me feel like a looser for not having someone with me.  The years are ticking away a little too fast to suit my adventurous hunger for life. 

Happy to realize of late that I'm considered refreshing...kind of grounding to know that I can have that effect.  Makes me feel calm and it settles me down a bit.  Probably the only thing that I actually worry about is if I have a positive impact on other peoples lives.  It is my intention that the lives of all people I interact with will either be elevated as a result of our interaction , or they will be left where they are, but that no one will be diminished as a result of their association with me. (jerry hicks).  Something I came across years ago and it stuck.  I kinda wish that my remaining parental unit liked me....or at least appreciated me for being individualistic.  Not so much the case and I suppose its up to me to let that go.  Kinda hard to accept I guess. 

Circa Spring 2000.  I stood in front of my newly purchased condo taking pictures of the Bradford pear blooms with my little antique camera.  Its the first time I recall wondering ...what if this is last spring I ever get to experience and the last time I get excited to see daffodils? I've thought that every spring since then. Fast forward 11 years.  Today I was walking Rogo dog and I saw a Bradford Pear in full bloom and it all came full circle.  I'm more comfortable than ever with the acceptance...with the loving every minute and the taking for granted of absolutely nothing.  Living like this is it.  I wonder if my daddy smiled and loved his last spring...I'm not sure he was super aware...as I recall he was wandering around the backyard a lot at that point..actually only aware of the flowers. The awareness to all the other had faded and only the pretty stuff remained....Lucky him.

Changes

On a warm day in February I took a step into a new life.  Another temporary parking spot for my fuzzy green bath mat to cock block my little toes from another cold floor.  My Velcro held my hand and the other end of the couch.  I struggle internally with being simple sometimes.  There is fine line between minimalist and loser. There's also a fine line between caring what people think and not giving a fuck.  I have no microwave...it's not about money... I'm just struggling with the commitment...minimalist or loser? My dvd shit the bed so Friday night we took the whipcream vodka (proof that God loves us), pork skins and a blankie to the car and piled up in the back seat to watch Fight Club in the driveway...it made me little girl giggly happy.  I like that I'm that kind of simple and that Velcro likes me for it. 

I'm really unsure of my purpose...here in the big picture.  I seem to come along into people's lives when they've lost hope of happiness.  With no effort of my own, through me they see a different way to look at the world and life.  It's not one person that makes the world a beautiful place...when your world is beautiful they are drawn into it.  The weight to keep it beautiful is never someone else's...you're the only one that has that power. 

There is no explanation beyond fate of how circumstances align and the undeniable feeling that I know I've known my guy before.  Somewhere outside of my control there was a plan hatched that we show up this time and place.  Maybe you could walk with me a while...maybe I could rest beneath your smile.  Sometimes you just know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And there's no better feeling in the entire world.

The question was asked...You know what we need?...and it was answered...each other. Hellaciously wonderful everydays.

Up Rooting...or Settling Down...Again

I am the master of throwing my life into boxes in a matter of minutes.  It's something that I've become good at over a life time of uprooting.  I always get...I won't call it sad...more reflective while I'm doing it.  Seeing things again for the first time and realizing that I have very little to tie me to my past...and very little to show for almost 38 years of quite interesting spinning around the sun.  Maybe I miss it all a little...then I come to grips that I am still just as free as I've ever been.  A couple of Japanese ceramic fruffy drink statues, a stolen sake carfare, some rather cool dive finds and random bar coasters are about all that I have to aide proof to some of the best years of my life. 

Today I went to the doctor for a funky cold shot in the ass and on the paperwork where these questions.
# of Pregnancies - # of Miscarriages - # of Abortions.  0 - 0 - 0.  And I thought to myself...# of Regrets. 0.  I have to be thankful for my lack of roots.  I think maybe if you just sit down and stay you get bored, run out of things to do and start breeding...I don't know.  There's some reason for it I'm sure.  Pretty glad I kept moving. 

Sometimes you think you know which way you are going and have some of the best laid plans...with me that's a big step.  Then all of the sudden there's a fork in the road to which there was no good road signage or a speed bump that slows you down...not in a bad way.  Just enough to make you realize today is really really good and you don't always have to wait for Someday.  Some of them you run over and barely notice and some you stick to like they're made of Velcro.

I caught my self singing this song out loud today...A simple man, a simple plan, the world's too big to understand... Be good and you will be lonesome.  Be lonesome and you will be free.  Live a lie and you'll live to regret it.  That's what living is to me...that's what living is to me.

Changing Channels

If I could kiss south Florida in the mouth I would.  I am way in crush love with her and fresh off of my mini vacation high.  I flew to Fort Lauderdale and stayed in Hollywood at Hollywood Beach Hostel & Hotel.  Barely in the airport before I had to start making mental post its.  Apparently knee high boots are all the rage but no so comfy...I saw several people walking around with them unzipped and dragging around behind them??  There was also a dude that was wearing the widest variety of shades of rust I've seen this side of the Martha Steward paint wall at Home Depot.  I pasted a very busty flight attendant sans bra that nearly made me wreck my wheely luggage...only to realize that I noticed it and most men weren't...wrong, wrong, wrong boys....Sure there was a plane full of happy guys somewhere.

My goals for the trip were to remain somewhat sober...check.  And to stay away from realtors...um, not so much of a check.  I didn't even get checked in before I was wearin' the GPS out trying to find my next fuzzy green bath mat locale.  The first night I walked the boardwalk, which was about a half block away from my room.  I guess my 15 mile radius on life has me really slowed way down but at the same time so so aware of life when I see it.  Maybe all those folks don't see how alive it all is, but from the sidelines it was awesome to watch.  There is a little outdoor theater on the boardwalk where about 4 Forest Gump look-a-likes were singing reggae.  I'm talking the "I just felt like running" Forest with the trucker hat.  Up ahead there was a fire truck on the sidewalk.  I figured something had gone down but had to walk that way anyhow.  When I get there I find a bunch of hot guys in kilts with drums and bag pipes.  A benefit called Guards, Hoses & Guns...pretty much they would crank up the lights and pull to the next bar with a little procession of drinkers and kilt oglers like myself.  Blow some pipes, beats some drums, add to the drunken followers and head to the next bar.  They even had what I figured to be the firehouse hooker in tow.  I stuck in for a stop of then headed on. 

When I move there I've got to get some roller blades.  Then I'm gonna join the late night roller derby girls...saw them all decked with lace stockings and bad ass girl t shirts.  I'd probably accidentally trip the bitch in charge and carry me the ass whippin of my life ...worth considering though.  Day 2 I saw more people working out than I've seen collectively in the last year here in 15 mile radius land.  The stakes are high for getting attention.  A strange bald dude in too short of shorts (btw does everybody have them altered to the awkward lenght stage or what?) shoulder pressing dumbbells on the boardwalk.  A chick in bouncy shoes that I must have.  And several arm flingers...If I had to guess I'm saying for cardio purposes or possibly a weird form of tourettes. 
Downtown is a full story in itself.  I'd call it Drag Queens, Belly dancers and Boa Constrictors



Could have been a python...tomato...tomahto. All I know is it was a big fucking snake. I head on'ed my fear. High five to me.  Not as crazy or carnival like as it sounds...just alive.  Somewhere where I can pull off my wallpaper impersonation and just watch.  Not so much can grab attention with all that going on. 

Ran into a guy barbecuing at the hotel.  It was probably about the only "hostel" experience of the trip.  He had plenty and I traded him a beer for a couple of kabobs.  I hate to admit that I'd already forgotten his name by the time I'd taken my first bite, but it should have Bobby Flay or something.  Oh My God.  He had marinated bacon in maple syrup, then stuffed chicken with cream cheese and wrapped it up, skewered and grilled it.  I showed MAJOR restraint by not humping the grill or mugging him for the rest of the plate. 

It sounds like I ate nonstop but I really didn't...just spaced it out and skipped the bullshit.  I found a little locals hang out called Toucans that had Drunken Clams at happy hour. Pretty sure they were the best clams of my life and that I had them 3 days in a row.  Recognized it as a local place because it was the only place I'd seen any straight men.  You can tell them right off because they are the drunk bad dressers with beer guts...pretty easy to spot.  Also all the straight men had a chick attached to them and hanging on like grim death...not a lot to go around as I saw.  When I'm away I always try to figure out who's the local version of the local morons from here.  I found their version of Mr Coors Light except this one mixed in a little pass out at the bar to the recipe.  Leaving after clams I round the corner to Jupiter Man.  He had  a telescope set up on a table outside the bar.  I asked what he was doin' and he answered setting up to look Jupiter and see if he could see any of its moons.  So I'm like hurry up I want to see.  I must have befuzzled him cause he got all nervous and took forever...offering that he'd been drinking and smoked a joint.  Now Jupiter Man was easily mid 60's...at what point to people stop smokin weed?  He finally got it together and I got to see the moon, which was very cool, and Jupiter with two of its moons.  It was worth sticking around and hearing most of his life's story. 

Saturday morning on the beach I pass by about 30 yoga-ers doing ass mountain...not sure what its really called but it was funny as hell.  I couldn't bring myself to take a picture.

I had my first $15 screwdriver, saw a spandex clad hoveround driver and considered an investment in Rosetta Stone. That was until I was lying on the beach listening to the chatter of foreign voices when I hear over everything "I smoked for 38 years" and thought to myself..if that was in French it would have been beautiful.  Fuck Rosetta Stone...I change my mind, not knowing is better.

There was a hot chick smacking a volleyball around with what could only have been her 80 yr old grandmother...in a bikini...yummy.  A line dance of about 100 people dancing on the boardwalk to something like polka music with a cowboy hatted Hispanic man singing.  A burger the size of my head in a place called Le Tubs that felt more like Key West.  Myers Rum floaters on pinacoladas.  A cat that chased a volleyball down the street because he could.  And a black man singing that I seriously think was reading my mind...everything I thought of he sang next up...kinda freaky.  He did also have a drunk local jump up on stage for some bad karaoke that involved the gangsta dick grab. 

What I want to know is how can you not love a place like this??  I'd forgotten how much I missed my freckles until they popped out to wave at the sun and how I like the taste of salt from the ocean on my lips.

What I don't get is the mass population of those Amish looking odd Jew cats??  And airplane farting...I mean really.

Since I've been home...I took a "bubble bath" in Fur So Fine doggie shampoo cause I was out of the real bubble bath and watered my plants with my coffee pot.  In my defense the doggie shampoo was the oatmeal aloe kind for dry skin.  I am the most unpretentious person that I know.  So I'm planning my most inevitable exit stage south...I think I'll fit in just fine down there.


 


Hollywood Hostel & Hotel





Me cheesin' it up at Le Tubs



The burger that was the size of my head...here only half a head.

More Le Tubs...see doesn't this look like Key West to you?

My room

Your guess is as good as mine.





The boardwalk runs along the beach for about 2-3 miles. 





Hollywood Beach