Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Impossible Things

"I will dare to do just what I do.  Be just what I am. And dance whenever I want to." Beverly Williams

Not so much of a dancer here...just the occasional solo living room variety.  But it speaks tons to how the last year has changed me.  I just read last year's post.  The fever in my blood has been cooled a bit...and I am a little more settled down (and all my shit is in one location now) but I still live just as small.  Continued have been my efforts of pairing down...the goodwill almost knows me on a first name basis and eBay has become my second source of income.  I've managed not to consumerize and replace any of the purged shit.  No longer do I struggle with the feeling of being a loser.  Daddy's birthday passed without the common side effect of head rattle that's accompanied it for all the years before.  I would call my life uncluttered.  There's not a ton of shit...not so many people in it...not so much expected of me.  Sometimes I get bored but am still resisting the commitment of cable tv.
The first completely solo girl motorcycle ride was Sunday morning.  It felt good to get it out of the building (and back in) and on the road without any help.  Even though the trip was to see my parental unit that lacked the same enthusiasm as myself about it I sometimes surprise myself and that feels really good.  I enjoy the little things everyday...things that seem too insignificant to tell most people.

Like the unexpected really low tide that let me and the furry guy splash in shallow tidal pools where the inlet normally churns and find tiny crabs that enjoyed the paparazzi. 

And the giant 65 pound turtles that I came across on my way to lunch.  Right after this shot they started banging their shells into each other...seems it was turtle fightin' not lovin'. 

And the beach while its still dark, just before sunrise.  Its good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight...like clockwork that song comes to mind every morning when I get there...then the other soul walks into sight and my day starts off good...again.  I'm looking forward to so much but don't have any plans.  It seems the best things in life show up and surprise you when you are least suspecting and things you thought unbelievable become real.  Who needs to plan when you have that...

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Feathers and Sharks Teeth

"I'll always be young.  About the age that the thought of touching my girl makes my heart race, my spirit soar and my vision blur." William Corinthus

This may seem a bit rambly and I have tendency to get a little deep into my own head when I don't talk to anything without fur...it could be delirium from lack of food.  Don't get upset...I am eating corned beef and cabbage right now... its the first since yesterday's breakfast. As some kind of a cruel joke being played on me by the Universe Roger's poo has smelled like corned beef to me since I turd lifted last night. Pretty sure I said out loud "You've got to be fucking kidding me".  He of course is oblivious and doesn't understand the blue bag concept anyway.

Music has a power all to itself.  It can flood you with a memory and take you to another place in an instant. It gets me through a lot. Every song makes me feel a little different and reminds me of a different time..all with one common denominator.  I can't even begin to say how many thoughts I've had today... my mind feels like its in hyper drive...and every single one has been about him.  As I was walking on the beach this morning I wondered (hoped) maybe I was on his mind as much. When I caught myself focusing on missing and feeling lonely or scared, I made myself stop and regroup and change my mind. My mind really is all I can control...it's all any of us can control.

I like when little things show up and let you know that you're on the right path...that everything is ok and to keep believing.  It's amazing where you find hope.

When I was leaving I thought what a weird feeling it is to have absolutely no where to be...and no one to know when you get there or not.  Then I opened my car door and my question of being on his mind was answered....and I do have someone that knows that I got there.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

From Here...

"We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dreams to be weaving.  And we all have some power too make wishes come true as long as we keep believing."  Louisa May Alcott

I remember the first time I got on the motorcycle with Velcro. He asked "Do you trust me?"  The answer was the same then as it still is now.  I wrapped my arms around him and dug my thumbs into his pockets and held on.  Doing the same thing now.  Never have I laid my bare naked soul out to be seen or been so absolutely honest and vulnerable about how I feel or cried in front of another person like I have with him.  I have always been told I'm hard to read because I show no emotion.  He doesn't have that side of me...there is no protective barrier.  Outside of being a bit of a mess it feels good to not hold back or to have to hide anything. 

From sitting on the bottom...everything is up from here.  Life recently has made me realize what is important and it's made me understand what I really want.  It's made me appreciate every single second...every word spoken...it's made me realize just how important this other person is to me and how much him being ok matters to me. 

There are things that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt.  I know that there are no accidents when it comes to people coming into your life.  I know I have so much to look forward to and I know he's going to be there with me.  I know that the best is yet to come.  And I know that very good things can happen faster than we can imagine possible. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

On The Subject of My Potential...

First I have to say that adrenaline doesn't do for me any favors...I am not a junkie.  It's been almost an hour since Roger and myself were charged by an unattended pit bull and I'm still a herky jerk.  I saw the dog well across the parking lot and there were two guys near him...one asked if he was my dog and the next thing he was in full attack charge.  He covered well over a 100ft in a matter of seconds.  In hind sight I know what I was doing although I was completely functioning on instinct.  I was trying to get Roger back over to a pickup truck (I guess to put him in it) and get between him and the dog. It was NOT f-ing cool.  The guys came running but didn't know what to do since no one really wants to grab a fricking pit bull that's not theirs.  I got Roger separated enough to get him in the door of the condo and immediately the other dog started listening to me.  There was a spare leash in my car and I put it on him.  I walked until I saw someone and asked if she had any idea who he belonged to...it was hers.  She wasn't even calling for him??  Apparently she heard yelling and looked out.  The yelling was me...ME.  I don't yell...EVER.  But guess I did this morning.  I never really understood how the dog was out on his own.  I know there's a whole subculture of people who swear by those dogs but they unpredictable and scare the shit out of me.  I really never want to hurt an animal but I'm pretty sure I was willing to stomp one pit bull ass over my little guy. 

Over the past week I've impressed myself with my 'not the average girl' attempts and accomplishments.  I passed the motorcycle course and got my license.  I was far less than perfect but did manage to get through figure 8's and tight cone weaving and a whole lot of other stuff I wouldn't have thought myself capable of.  I also replaced my disposal all by my little self.  I'm talking wiring and plumbing and everything.  The plumber wanted $250 to do it.  Some days I kick a lot of ass.  I was high on self accomplishment when my mother called the other day and I was passing along my stories.  Somewhere when telling about the written test she says something along the lines of "well you've always been smart...I've known for a long time that you've never lived up to your potential...you could have made something of yourself."  In her defense I'm sure that was supposed to be a compliment.  I just shook my head.  It didn't even really bother me when she said it.  It has gotten an awful lot of head time since then I have to admit.  I know that bartending is not a parents dream job for their kid...but I do what I do by choice.  Recently she and a cousin were putting together a genealogy book and my little half a paragraph included that I had been married and what I use to do for a living and that I currently live at the beach.  I haven't always been what I am...I started off playing by the unwritten grown up rules.  I had a real job and was rather successful...and miserable. I gave a long almost 18 years to an industry and profession that left me flat on my face when the economy soured.  I stood up, regrouped and found something that I enjoy. I'm not sure if in my potential I was supposed to make the world a better place and more sunny for the masses?  I'm confused most I guess by what people consider success and living up to your potential.  I have never ridden a coat tail and have always been completely responsible for myself.  I never asked my parents for help...of any kind.  It pains me to ask anyone for help and I am more than reluctant to taking any that comes unsolicited.  I know that sometimes I'm a bit erratic from the outside...like when I make my b's and d's backwards and walk off before making up both sides of the bed and like yesterday when I threw away eggs  from a carton marked sell by June 10.  But I took the eggs out and recycled the carton. Sometimes I'm all over the place and I can tend to wear people out but it's tightly rolled up with handy and resourceful and loving and  maybe a little bad ass. For the most part I keep my shit in one sock.  And I'm proud of that whether she ever will be or not. 

I write for my sanity and possibly to entertain and with any luck to maybe inspire and cause people look at life a little differently. I chase happiness.  And I love with all I have.  It's more than I can say for most of those free white and over 21.  If I'm falling short of potential...then falling short doesn't feel so bad.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Full Moon Party of Two

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces.  Fearing their power Zeus split them into two parts, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other half. 

Pretty amazing how much sense that makes.  I guess that's where the feeling of knowing  comes from followed by the big sigh of relief you soul breaths out when you finally find them. 

Last night we drove around and talked about everything and nothing...held hands and walked down on the dock in my old neighborhood. It looked like there wasn't going to be a moon sighting at all though.  Severe thunderstorm warnings were all around us and the sky was nothing but clouds.  Looking out from behind a pizza the size of my car and cold beers we couldn't even  get our bearings as to where the moon should be.  The rain completely missed...coming nowhere close to us. By about our 3rd Landshark the clouds started breaking up. From our vantage point on the back deck the most awesome moon came out and danced on the water for us...like it had planned us a surprise.  Nine months after our first full moon party we had our second. It was without all the people and no glow stick drinks....there was no marching jazz band of disappearing democrats. No ladder back chair to share beside the water...no fireworks that followed.  But there was all that mattered...Us. Was it 15 miles away or 1000?...you couldn't have proven it either way.  We live in paradise.  And we found each other.  It feels good when you stop and realize how incredible life is. 

I don't even know which way the clouds went but the sky opened up and there was even a shooting star.  Hard to imagine a better night.  Looking forward to a lot more of those.

Friday, September 9, 2011

What the Weekend Holds

"When the days are short, chances are you are living at your best." Earl Nightingale

On Day #3 of all good days.  Rog got double check marks on the beach again this morning. Ate lunch with Roger's girlfriend's mom.  Then I spent the afternoon in a swing by the water with better company than  I could dream of.  Writing this now from the balcony in perfect weather...wind chimes...cat washing her face from a belly full of kitten milk...Roger and his raw hide chewy at my feet.  Motorcycle 101 for the girl starts tonight.  I can't wait.  This weekend is gonna kick my ass...but its gonna be a lot of fun.  Looking forward to getting out on my bike....and stone crabs...and lazy afternoons with the Sopranos...and life.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sweet Sweet Life

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible." ~Claude Bissell

I love surprises...they are the best thing ever.  Yesterday I had three and one person was behind them all.  Not just kinda surprises...I was completely caught off guard and blown away by every single one.  The day started out ok...I was almost verging on happy for not so much of a reason.  Then my reason walked up beside me and the day turned into the first one in a long time that was good...all day. I came home and wrote....loaded the camera and editing software...walked the dog.  Simple things but even the simple things were good.  Surprises kept coming. It was the most I've smiled in a day lately.  Planning on smiling more every day. 
There's something very healing about the ocean...its so easy to get wrapped up in our lives and forget where we are.  We live where most people have to plan and wait and spend a shit pot of money to come to for just a week a year.  Pretty lucky.  Almost all those people are gone...and the coast is clear.  Its funny how I ended up here...I thought my world was crashing on top of me when I lost my job just 9 months after buying a house and just a few months after loosing my Daddy.  I even had to replace the hvac the day after I found myself income free.  I never would have guessed that fork in the road was leading me here and into the path of someone I'd been looking for all along.  Crazy how it works.  
There's always a bigger picture out there but we decided on taking the days as they come and they only come one at a time.  Yesterday is done.  Can't do anything about tomorrow until it gets here...then just work on making it good too.  I want to be surprised everyday...by just how good it turns out.

Looking forward to...more days like yesterday.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just a Girl in a Grown Up Costume

And now these three remain.  Faith, Hope and Love.  But the greatest of these is Love.

From just reading it's probably easy to think I'm the strongest most level headed person around. For the most part that's all I ever let people see of me. And I wish that was the case.  Maybe I'm better than average but the truth is I struggle too. Every days kick me in the balls just like they do everybody else.  Good days and bad days and going half mad days.  I cut down a tire and went hard into the wall last night...in public none the less. Awesome.  I managed to get away before I got really bad.  Mostly I do this on my own time and no one sees it but last night I had to reach for a hand to hold.  And he was there.  I think I apologized a hundred times. For being weak...for reaching out like a drowning person for something buoyant...just for being that person.  I was so freaked out this morning that I'd messed up by letting that side of me show.  Sometimes it surprises me just how much I trust him...more than any other person in my whole life.  Even with no promises and an uncertain future there is comfort just in his presence...the easiest person to be around ever.  It was all I needed...he brushed me off and stood me back up.  It's not something I'm going to be making a habit of.  I know that I can't stay spun out and that only I have the power to change my mind to "looking forward" to the good stuff.  Today is another day and it's started off as a really good one...better than I could have hoped.  I have so much to look forward to...Zac Brown concerts...jerk chicken nachos...trips to Florida...key lime pies on a stick...walks on the beach...talking...laughing...smiling...all with him by my side.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Permanent Reminder

Joy does not just happen to us.  We have to choose joy and keep choosing it everyday. (Henry Nouwen)

I decided to mark this time in my life and myself.  Inked on my foot now is Carpe Diem as a permanent reminder.  Seize the day.  Wikapedia also includes in the translation ...Trusting in the future as little as possible. Not meaning in a downer or haphazard approach to life way but as in tomorrow isn't a given...we have to make the most of right now.  A painful lesson I learned from my Daddy.  Even though he wasn't really in mind on the planning side of this one...it puts to words what I've wrestled with since his untimely exit.

It's unbelievable the relief I felt yesterday in just a few minutes and a few honest spoken words.  My ability to hide my emotions is out the door with him.  My feeling of being alone is replaced with feeling loved again.

Tomorrow will come.  Anger and hurt feelings will fade.  Relationships will heal.  I know you've heard me say it over and over...life works itself out.  The how and the when are out of our control.  All we can do is hold on and love the ones we love with all we have.  Let go of the bad...feeling scared...feeling guilty...feeling without.  It only drags us down and keeps us away from what we want.  Even when you can't, for sake of saving your own life, see a path out...there is one.


Monday, September 5, 2011


Last night after 11 long hours with tourists I came home and bounded up the stairs two at a time to get to my bathroom confined puppy...he was feeling better and doing the happy dog dance to see me.  We walked even though it was late and I was dead tired. The weather was perfect...there had been 12 hours since anyone yakked, miss cat was drinking her kitten formula like it was whip cream vodka in a bowl and I cleared my head for the first time in days.  I decided that I have to shift my thinking.  All the things that I am missing so much I'm changing to looking forward to.  When I think about it as missing I can hardly breathe and I feel desperate and scared.  There's something I didn't tell you about the surfboard dumpster dive.  Last week I read The Secret again...kinda by accident.  Velcro isn't a big reader so I went through and dog earred pages and underlined the important stuff.  I'm so glad I did...I needed it.  What we think about and create in our mind is what shows up in our lives...the good and the bad.  On the beach that day there were a couple kids with their dad teaching them to surf.  I sat and watched them get all excited when they got up for the first time...funny the things that can make you happy if you let them.  The next morning I found the surfboard.  It was just a sign to show me I'm on the right path and that anything that you believe is possible... Is. 

I've been paying more attention to people that I wait on...I see the ones that are so happy to be together and never run out of smiles and things to say to each other.  Then I see the ones that haven't been happy in years having long over stayed their welcome. I wonder what they look forward to and if everything they do feels like a strained effort or over compromise.  I refuse to believe that's the way its supposed to be. It's wrong to spend your life that way.  It's all so incredibly short.

Today I have a million thoughts flying around and I feel like an air traffic controller keeping them all pointed towards good and not letting a rouge one spin me out. I have so many questions that I would like to know answers to...I always feel if I know everything I can handle whatever I'm up against.  But with that it almost seems like I admit doubt...and I don't have any. I'm not working through a broken heart.  I'm working through the challenge of believing what I know...that love like this comes around once.  I'm working through holding on and being strong.

Looking forward to hearing the key in the door and early morning coffee and foot lotion.  Looking forward to talking about everything and about nothing.  Looking forward to him having everything in his world that makes him happy and complete.  Looking forward to it including me.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Bet You Wish You Were Me

Yesterday after I took the furry one to the beach then came home and bathed the eleven hundred pounds of sand out of his fur, I went back down for what's become my daily therapy session with the sea.  Some days are better and a little easier than others...there isn't any type of pattern or progressive order to it that I've seen.  I smiled through the tears that the Keys in the Conch Shell brought on and they mixed with the saltwater as I butt floated in the waves.  It wasn't a bad day...just tough.  I came back home to a disastrous scene even by kennel standards.  It was the straw...I sat down in the floor in between piles from one end or the other and bawled.  Figuring out that the pity fairy wasn't coming with the carpet cleaner I gathered my wits, picked myself up and unfucked my house....for the first time.  After work I had a similar scene but at least most of the damage that time was centrally located on the linoleum.  Somewhere after midnight I finished the second round carpet cleaning.  Up to 7 yaks on the day so far and no matter how I try I still can't get a pepto to stay in him.  Now officially both of my kids are making me worry. At least the cat has ratcheted in the yakking since the dog has started.  Went to the grocery store and spent $25...and I got a potato out of the deal, seriously that's it.  40 varieties of cat food...rice for the dog...children's pepto that I've still not been successful with and baby food for the cat.  Me = fish out of water when it comes to the baby food isle trying to find shit...there are a lot of jars and they are very tiny and I don't see very well... its ubber confusing.  If you know me then you know that if the cat doesn't eat the baby food...more than likely I will...with vodka.
Wingman called to tell me Wagon Wheel was sang for me at the little marina bar where we drank cotton candy vodka. Wish I was there. It made me smile again and feel like I'm not in this boat all alone.  That maybe I'm being missed as much as I'm missing and being loved as much as I love.  Words don't do any justice to my feelings...hope he knows.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


Hang in there.  It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.  (frances hodges burnett)  Still can't believe how these things that are getting me by keep popping up so that I find them. 

I have recently spent about 85% of my food budget on cat food and the likes there of.  Gravy Lovers...Gravy pouches...crunchy tasty crap...the equivalent of kitty ensure...kitten milk formula...real baby food.  It's a good thing that my body has decided that food is the devil and is currently avoiding it like old fish bait in a hot cooler.  Carletta cat has about a 2 day capacity for liking the same thing these days. It's wearing me out but more I'm worried about her.  
The dog exercise program is on warp plan...I have walked his little ass off lately.  He got 30 miles in July and in August.  Today he got his check mark on the beach...first time in a while.  Since last Sunday when Velcro took me out to The Point, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't walked out there.  It's where we went this morning.  He didn't know what to think of me wearing tennis shoes on the beach but quickly decided he didn't give a damn about my paw cover choices.  After many attempts of keeping him out of the water and my shoes dry I gave up and wound up knee deep...wet shorts and all. 
It made him happy and he made me laugh.  What difference does it really make if your shoes are full of sand and water..they are just shoes.  I'm looking at a lot of things and strangers differently.  Things are just that and are mattering to me less and less.  Really realizing that you can't look at a person and have a clue of what they are dealing with or struggling through.  I wonder at every down cast eye on the beach if they feel scared and are missing someone like crazy... trying to figure out what the fuck to do next.  Scary that it almost makes me sound soft. 
When I wake every morning I lie there and think about good stuff until I'm relatively sure that my head is a safe distance away from my ass.  Good stuff like riding out to Ponce de Leon Inlet to the scene of "shrimp ordering shrimp".  The fish reuben at the marina when the space shuttle boom accompanied the screwdrivers with which the bartender was trying to kill me.  Facial expressions and winks and foot pads and closeness.
As of last night Beaver has taken to wearing cologne...it makes him feel sexy but kinda creeps him out that I sniffed him no less than a 100 times. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

It's The Little Things

Is it bad when shells-n-cheese with hot sauce for breakfast is a step in the right direction nutritionally speaking?  My recent level of sobriety has scared me...not that I've opted for a wagon ride by any means but I've actually tackled more time than normal with a clear head. 
I miss sharing that I had tuna miracle for lunch.  And that I found my photo software that I've torn about multiple houses in search of.  And that I rode my bike on the road yesterday for the first time and really didn't do anything too stupid.  I did manage to find neutral at an awkward time...btw there is no hiding that when you do it.  And that I had my greatest dumpster dive find ever this morning...it wasn't actually a dive...it was beside the dumpster but still. 

The really cool thing is on the bottom there are all these notes written to this guy Rich...he apparently really influenced these note writers lives.  I am aware that its all ratty looking and I have no idea if it will really work for a surfboard but it made me smile and sometimes that's enough. 
Miss my best friend...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Shame About The Weather

At any moment you can make a different choice about what you are doing, how you are feeling and what you are focusing on.  It's never too late to start over again and make new choices.  Another of the random things I've come across this week...just when I needed them. 
I'm face to face with the hardest thing I've ever gone through and as much as natural instinct is to crumble into a heap of sobbing self pity...I can't.  He didn't fall in love with a train wreck so I can't become one now.  Yesterday I woke to Travis Tritt's Help Me Hold On playing over and over like some kind of soundtrack that stuck in my head all day.  Today before I woke, somewhere between dream and reality, where your subconscious and intuition run the show...he was with me. My dream was of him but as I came away from it I felt his arms around me...I could even smell him.  I didn't want to move...I laid there and kept the feeling of being held.  Memories and details of places we've been and things we've done flooded my mind.  Tiny details that I'm positive I've never thought about.  Crazy what your subconscious holds onto.  He tells me I always know where he is...and he points to my chest 'I'm right there, always with you'. 
We breathe in and we breathe out and the world keeps spinning, the tides continue to rise and fall.  It is life...some days are devastating but some days you get lucky enough that someone crosses your path that makes it all come together.  I spent a long time waiting for that person and if waiting is in the cards...I've got nothing but time.  The question between us 'You know what we've got?  The rest of our lives.'  I believe in the power of love...and I know everything is going to be ok. I can hold on and be strong...turning loose isn't an option.  The songs my mind puts on repeat for me everyday seem to be what I need that day.

Woke to this today...'When I close my eyes I see you...no matter where I am.  I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines.  It's a shame about the weather.  I know soon we'll be together and I can't wait til then." zac brown