Tuesday, March 22, 2011

3 Years

There are a couple of things that I've relearned or just noticed about having a cat around again.  First off their poo frickin stinks...like way worse that people poo.  Cause people can courtesy flush and/or spray poo spray or close the door and tell you not to go in there...cats, not so much.  And if you brush them and make them super comfortable and happy...they will fart on you.  Guess that sort of goes the same for men (current excluded).  The last thing I can't believe I've never picked up on before.  Cats do not have a reverse.  I can even say to Roger "back back back" and he will hit the entire surroundings camera and back it right on up. (For some reason I give commands to him in 3's...no no no...comeon comeon comeon.  They all come out in 3's for some unexplained reason.)  But the cat...forget it.  The dog is reversing and her answer is to hit in warp drive and dart directly into oncoming traffic (me). Think she does it just to fuck with me...same with leaving the turds uncovered.  Just her way of getting back at me for abandonment.
Other noteworthy info...the microwave situation has been handled by one ubber resourceful Velcro.  The resourcefulness didn't involve a Walmart receipt or it would have forfeited its title.  Anyone can go buy one and the buying of one would have been a put off.  I played my crazy card in the Food Lion produce department when I caught my self say out loud "Ooo yaaayy potato!  I have a microwave now!" This was before any alcohol consumption.  In my defense I'm pretty sure the time of day I go to the store there are lots of people in there talking to themselves. 

Three years ago tonight I balled my eyes out by myself....alone in my parents house.  I came to terms with it and no one could understand how I went through the next several days stone faced and even keeled.  How I stood and watched my mom wail and cry and hug a lifeless body with calm emotionless detachment. How I managed to make the guys at the funeral home laugh and maybe see death a little differently that time.  I've been trying hard over the past week or so to not relive it, not to see it or smell it like it was yesterday.  It's not that life doesn't kick me in the balls...more times than I'd like to admit.  It's just that I deal with it in my own time and don't put it out there to be seen.  Time is an amazing healer.  I've flipped my world upside down and backwards since then mainly in response to seeing how I don't want my life to play out...short lived and just shy of living that everyday happiness.

Today I rode my bike and shared my beach chair with a guy that I'm crazy about.  I walked at sunset in cold tidal pools with my furry best friend. I grilled a little steak just for me and shared it with that same furry guy. I have no idea where I belong in this world and that's sometimes a lost lonely feeling.  But when you don't look at it on such a big scale it makes it manageable.  I feel so loved today and that's all that really counts.  As long as today is good and tomorrow today is good then the next day doesn't matter so much.  I don't know where I'm headed but I know where I've been has been exactly where I needed to be.  No regrets...no second thoughts.  I'm holding the hand that's meant to be holding mine.  I'm not leaning on...just walking beside and loving sharing my life.  Velcro brought me flowers today because he knew that 3 years ago I watched death win...and it meant more than I can even begin to wrap words around.  Life is rough and tumble and sometimes you get sand skunt knees and saltwater all up your nose but its what makes life worth living.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

March Madness & Randomness

My longest running relationship ever is with one Carletta cat.  She recently came back to live with me after a several month hiatus.  Not sure the dog is so excited about it.  She's in my best recollection about 16 years old.  With a guy it's somewhere sandwiched between my dog and my friend little Gary and I love them both dearly...all though I've never had to clean up yak on the carpet after Gary or I would possibly feel differently.  We met back when I was about 23...we promised to marry each other if neither of us had found anyone by the time I was 40.  I think I'm gonna have to renig on the deal since I am fast approaching and have no real intention of ruining my long running long distance guy friendship.  And not for nothing they say the Mayan calendar ends December 12, 2012.  Which means I won't hit 40.  So I have full intentions of living like a full out son-of-a-bitch for the next year and 9 months-ish.  I personally think the little Chuy look a likes just got tired of writing...at some point you have to throw in the towel and just go get a margarita. When we wake up on December the 13th like any other day then I'll burn that Mayan bridge when I get to it. 

On the Art of Doing Without.  3 weeks plus running with out a microwave.  My mother has offered to let me use hers but I haven't starved and if anything I've become pretty fucking resourceful. There's some kind of strange feeling of accomplishment with making the decision to do without.  Microwave popcorn is still eluding me but snacks I'm not without.  So you know how life in Casa de Single Chicky goes...I stood in the kitchen one night after work eating peanut butter on a spoon (which has become a staple) while holding Roger's peanut butter jar still for him with my foot (yes he has his own jar...partly because he likes creamy and I like crunchy and partly because I double dip the knife when loading his peanut butter dildo)  He loves me...who could blame him.

I put my extra kayak up for sale on Craig's list yesterday.  It was actually my second extra kayak. Yes I bought 2 different ones for 2 different people.  I've spent alot of time in my life trying to get someone (or several someones) to do things with me.  Point well taken to self...if you have to buy something in attempt to get someone (anyone) to go do things with you...you need to quickly and quietly exit stage left. Lesson learned. In life I'm very tired of waiting for someone to catch up so I can go live and enjoy my life.  So this year when I want to learn to surf...I'm going to do it.  When I want to try kite surfing...I'm going to do it.  And when I feel like kayaking...I won't have the extra one making me feel like a looser for not having someone with me.  The years are ticking away a little too fast to suit my adventurous hunger for life. 

Happy to realize of late that I'm considered refreshing...kind of grounding to know that I can have that effect.  Makes me feel calm and it settles me down a bit.  Probably the only thing that I actually worry about is if I have a positive impact on other peoples lives.  It is my intention that the lives of all people I interact with will either be elevated as a result of our interaction , or they will be left where they are, but that no one will be diminished as a result of their association with me. (jerry hicks).  Something I came across years ago and it stuck.  I kinda wish that my remaining parental unit liked me....or at least appreciated me for being individualistic.  Not so much the case and I suppose its up to me to let that go.  Kinda hard to accept I guess. 

Circa Spring 2000.  I stood in front of my newly purchased condo taking pictures of the Bradford pear blooms with my little antique camera.  Its the first time I recall wondering ...what if this is last spring I ever get to experience and the last time I get excited to see daffodils? I've thought that every spring since then. Fast forward 11 years.  Today I was walking Rogo dog and I saw a Bradford Pear in full bloom and it all came full circle.  I'm more comfortable than ever with the acceptance...with the loving every minute and the taking for granted of absolutely nothing.  Living like this is it.  I wonder if my daddy smiled and loved his last spring...I'm not sure he was super aware...as I recall he was wandering around the backyard a lot at that point..actually only aware of the flowers. The awareness to all the other had faded and only the pretty stuff remained....Lucky him.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


On a warm day in February I took a step into a new life.  Another temporary parking spot for my fuzzy green bath mat to cock block my little toes from another cold floor.  My Velcro held my hand and the other end of the couch.  I struggle internally with being simple sometimes.  There is fine line between minimalist and loser. There's also a fine line between caring what people think and not giving a fuck.  I have no microwave...it's not about money... I'm just struggling with the commitment...minimalist or loser? My dvd shit the bed so Friday night we took the whipcream vodka (proof that God loves us), pork skins and a blankie to the car and piled up in the back seat to watch Fight Club in the driveway...it made me little girl giggly happy.  I like that I'm that kind of simple and that Velcro likes me for it. 

I'm really unsure of my purpose...here in the big picture.  I seem to come along into people's lives when they've lost hope of happiness.  With no effort of my own, through me they see a different way to look at the world and life.  It's not one person that makes the world a beautiful place...when your world is beautiful they are drawn into it.  The weight to keep it beautiful is never someone else's...you're the only one that has that power. 

There is no explanation beyond fate of how circumstances align and the undeniable feeling that I know I've known my guy before.  Somewhere outside of my control there was a plan hatched that we show up this time and place.  Maybe you could walk with me a while...maybe I could rest beneath your smile.  Sometimes you just know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And there's no better feeling in the entire world.

The question was asked...You know what we need?...and it was answered...each other. Hellaciously wonderful everydays.