Saturday, December 31, 2011

This Year

I'm not so much on resolutions and if I were to put what I "plan to do" in print it would only be proof to solidify opinion that I fly by the seat of my intuitive pants.  I am, however, reflective and have been trying more and more to hang on to and remember the little moments.  They are the essence of life.

This year I moved twice, found out that I still feel like I have too much shit and the hind sight of squatting in my Daddy's single wide paradise feels more like comfort than the desperate that it felt at the time.

This year I discovered Whip Cream vodka.

I learned I can live without cable, 10 months and counting (I did score an antenna).

I ate stone crabs but never had to crack them. 

Sported a sunburn in January.

I broke a lease and a heart.

Got on the back of a motorcycle and held on.

Painted my kitchen red.

Turned myself into a Blonde.

Made the single best spontaneous decision of my life...

Went flounder fishing for the first time, and figured out I'm a better at toad fish fishing.

Got surprised on my birthday.  Got surprised a lot.

Went to my first bike rally and ate my first lobster roll.

Consumed the majority of my calories from alcohol.

Let go of the security of an extra car.

Rediscovered pork skins.

Bought a Harley.

Went by myself and got a new tattoo.

Found out good people some times find themselves at the wrong place and end up in prison. 

Read The Secret again...and it changed my prospective again.

Wrote more than I have any other year.

Had countless hours of therapy by the ocean.

Took one of the best pictures I've ever taken.

Laughed more than I can remember.  Smiled more than a girl should.  Cried more than I wanted to.

Learned the love and patience of sweet talking to the dog even when you are cleaning the squirty poops out of his tail hair.  When the intestinal fungi made him not so much of a fun guy.

Took down the wall and loved someone more than I knew possible.

Not so much was accomplished and I'm sure I will keep thinking of things that I should have added to my list but I'm happy and you can't really ask for more than that.  Paint your days as you like, we don't have for-fucking-ever. Tonight is our first New Years together...I plan on staying up because at 12:01 the best year of our lives is going to begin.  And I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Look Inside

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today."

Have you ever eaten Burger King alone in your car on Thanksgiving?  Have you ever wandered the isles of Blockbuster on Christmas day or driven around with the dog?  No?  Then you will never know what its been like to be me.  I know that the statute of limitations is long since expired for blaming my relationship with my mother for anything.  But I have to still be aware that it was and is instrumental in how I tackle life and for what I want from other people.  I've never felt the all enduring love and forever proud of you and I want you happy no matter what that I see in others parents.  Last week I took a few blows below the belt from her disguised as always with concern and martyrism.  As much as I truly don't care, it still spins around in my head for days.  The hardest part is that I never see it coming, I don't know whether to expect the easy what's going on in my life update or to brace for hearing how much I wasted my potential and the hurt that I inflict on her with my daily decisions. Over the course of the last twenty some years I've built up quite the defense system and the Great Oz has lost the ability to come out from behind the curtain. 

What this leads to is what I've always wanted.  I want quick answers to dumb questions.  I want to laugh unexpectedly and a lot.  I want someone that doesn't mind that I can sometimes completely shock and embarrass grown men with things that I say.  I want some one that can handle me even when I'm a mess. I want someone that's ok with me being an over sized kid and wanting too many bubble baths.  I want someone to protect me even though I don't need it. I want my random sporadic mind to be appreciated for just what it is.  I want someone that reminds me to finish the sentence that I started and stopped.  I want someone that knows when I start getting off track and reels me back in.  I want someone to love like crazy. I want someone to hold me when I cry and not think I'm a girl for doing it. I want someone to be proud that I am theirs. All I've ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally.  For the first time someone has made me feel that.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Through It All

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."


My puppy's birthday was this week.  He turned 11.  We made a big deal out of it with new toys and doggie snacks and I sang to him more than once.  It scares me that I know I have less time left than I've already had with him.  I can't even begin to figure out where the last 11 years have gone. Through 8 moves, one husband, death, losing 2 jobs, losing myself, finding myself then finding the guy I love, he's been the only one that's truly been beside me through it all.  I've cried countless tears into his fur and he's never once told.  Sometimes I feel like I've taken it all for granted...Roger...life...time....the idea that none of it will ever run out. Like I should have been paying more attention to the stuff that really mattered.  This past year has made me slow down and really live every minute and I realize that absolutely nothing is a given.  Life changes.  I'm working on taking things differently.  The protective emotional concrete barrier that I'm so used to throwing up has been removed.  I somethings feel sandwiched between extreme relief and vomiting vulnerability. I intend to never take any of it for granted again.  So when Roger feels like swimming in the cold ass ocean on his birthday, then that's what he gets to do... even if he requires I go at least knee deep beside him. 








 Last Sunday was a first. Late breakfast or early brunch was stone crabs on the picnic table. Neither of us had ever eaten them before lunch... working on things we've never done before. We shared a beer and a "first" and a memory that only we have. Going to take on the rest of it all...together.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Breath Should I Grow Old

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."

I spent two hours on the motorcycle one warm afternoon this week.  Hypnotic is the only word that comes close to describing. No less than a million thoughts, nothing needed solving...nothing got solved.  I'm breathing a big sigh of okness lately...knowing that life being good is here to stay.

The colder weather has brought out every possible color and style of dog sweater in my neighborhood. The best I saw on a last poopy before bed walk when I was passed by a guy on a skateboard with a pekingese in a red striped "Where's Waldo?" sweater struggling to keep up and not be dragged and rolled into a candy cane. As much as I was convinced a few weeks back that 60 degrees was as cold of weather as I could ever be exposed to...ever again, there are few beach walks sans sweatshirts and I've actually worn real shoes long enough to realize I will live.  Not a fan of the season change but it sure does work for clearing off the beach...the upside of having to zip the jeep windows back in.  For the last two days I can count on my fingers the number of people me and Roger have encountered on our walks. It affords me my crazy time of talking to the dog about the world as I see it, even when he's more interested in sniffing and not having to worry if an Ohio tourist is ease dropping.  I've always been a bit of a hermit and have a capacity limit when it comes to how many people I can have close in my life. I'm no good at giving a tiny bit of my attention...I'm currently all in and I just don't have the need or where-with-all to keep up with lots of people or a heavy social calendar.  Me saying heavy social calendar is only funnier if you know me. 

Oooohh there's another reason for my cold weather whinings to stop... Stone crab season is back!! 

How in the hell I managed to circle the sun so many times with no knowledge of the stone crab I will never understand.  It has been my crush love since my Florida trip last January.  Velcro promised me that I would never have to crack my own crabs...and I haven't.  This was our lunch on a Wednesday...I'm sure it's what everybody eats mid day mid week.  I need someone to tell me how life gets any better than this. 

I am in a really good place and the one that my mind goes to when it wanders is there with me. It feels like some kind of a ride, but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Happy

"Never chase love, affection or attention.  If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.  The simple things in life should be effortless."

Sometimes you just realize something that is right in front of you all along.  I have less time to go than I've already spent in this human suit.  I had a girly doctor visit last week  Same paperwork as every year before.  Of course they make you spend forever filling it out and then they basically sit there and read it back to you.  High tech...pretty sure I could have done this job too if I didn't mind the close proximity to hoo hahs.  "So, any children?" (Even though it is clearly marked, Children 0 - Pregnancies 0) "No."   "Ever?"  As if I may have forgotten about one, on the paperwork and during my interrogation.  "Um...nope."  "Why? Did you never want any?"  I know that I am considered a failure by all female standards.  And that in that very simple 2 letter answer I am judged more harshly than for probably anything else.  Obviously something isn't right...that I'm not wired right and that I will never understand love.  I am the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to love your own child...I never will.  I'm content with that, I don't have a big empty hole of regret.  But I do know what it is to love and to want happy every days.  The world is chocked full of people who have never met me but will be the first in line to tell you what I will do and what to expect out of "my kind".  I guess I really wish that I wasn't so misunderstood .  I like that Velcro sees through me as if I were made of glass. It makes me breathe easier knowing that at least one person sees me for what I am....and likes me for it. 

The good part is the rest of this trip we call life...it's going to be spent living and being happy...not the struggling to figure shit that have marked so many of my years until now. Life continues happening all around you...whether you slow down to live it or drown in a puddle of wishing for something different.  We wind up where we are by fate...the cards in our hand are the only ones we have to play.  There is no pause button...no rewind.  Wrap your arms around the life you have and live it like you want. The world has preconditioned us to think that happy is bad...it's not.

"When the pony, he comes riding by, you better sit your sweet ass on it." Zac Brown

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Drag Queens and Unanswered Questions

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." -Tyler Durden

If you don't already know...I have a crush on drag queens...from a distance of course because I'm not into loud expressive people. Or dramatic people...which pretty much eliminates all drag queens.  It started the first time I saw one.  I was a dorky lesbanese looking, badly dressed tourist in South Beach and about 21 years old.  There on a side street outside a club stood the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.  She was in some kind of big Cinderella-ish gown and was about as polar opposite of my tomboy self that one could get.  I realized then that if they are too pretty to be true, they are boys...in South Beach at least.  I love seeing them as guys then what they can transform themselves into.  Hell I can't even manage to cover up my freckles with make up.  All this lead in to say...I am now facebook friends with one of the Key West drag queens!!  From her page I found all the others and can look at their girly dress up pictures and their I'm the guy beside you at the airport with the scruffy beard pictures too.  I found a link to Audience of the Queens.  It's a documentary about the drag queens of Key West.  If you are just now learning that odd documentaries trip my trigger then you don't know me or haven't been paying attention AT ALL.  I am in heaven.  I haven't ordered it yet...only because I am trying to show some restraint.  Plus sometimes I like wanting something...its my self test of just how much I really need it. If I keep wanting it instead of forgetting about it I figure its legit so I don't feel like a damn consumer buying everything in sight.  This same test is applied to flip flops...it is what keeps me from having eleventy hundred pairs.  If I can just get out of the store I forget all about them.  Not so with the drag queen video. 

My life is full of unanswered questions and random observations.  In effort of finding some answers I started writing them down... hoping that maybe someone somewhere has the knowledge base required to quiet my busy little mind. 

- What do squirrel turds look like?  As skiddy as these little guys are, you never see them "accidentally" loose it.  Makes one wonder.

- How much does a cow pee at a time?  Have you ever seen this?  JESUS.  And when do they have time to do anything besides have their head under a spigot? since I'm guessing they have to drink that much for that much to come back out?  Maybe they only pee once a week?  Help me out here.

- Why do I require XL undies? This has recently been revised to LARGE in some brands...but still.  Does the rest of the world just skip them?? Cause I'm kinda on the guppy end of the food chain in the big picture.

- How does a bean sprout grow in my shower drain over night?  Last time I checked I have not eaten in or around my tub.

- How is it possible that I have the exact same dinner plates as Junior Saprono?  And why am I watching that kind of detail on tv...now you know why I skip the cable...it could wear me out.

- Why does the entire world not appreciate the pickled egg?  Or pork skins for that matter?

- Why does a dog fart surprise the dog so much?

Animal nuts trouble me...especially on little fluffy dogs.  There's one in my neighborhood...cute fluffy white from the front...little black nuts swinging from the back. Get them cut off people.  It's not like you are gonna let him car date...and god forbid he actually mounts up on something other than great aunt Sally's leg...you would be freaking out and yelling or dumping cold water on him.  Trust me, not knowing what could have been has to be less frustrating to the little horny cotton ball than having all that obvious manhood and not having anything to do with it. Be considerate.  Not to mention I would be mortified if dog balls where on my couch or worse...my lap.  Its not like they can wear boxers.

With no conscious effort I make up words. I speak in some kind of hybrid language all of my own.  The weird part is I use the words all the time and don't really draw attention or get questioned.  I asked Velcro recently if he could peg my new word that I've been using...he couldn't.  In context they blend perfectly and its just a given to what they mean and so they go unnoticed.   When I say them by them self... not so much. My most recent is ganked. Which I had to define and use in a sentence after announcing it to him like I was in a spelling bee.   I also can use the word jack in at least 5 different contexts. I am an amazing master of the english language yo.  Pretty sure he never really knows what to expect from me.

I read on the internet that Fight Club was released in theaters 12 years ago this week.  If you don't agree that this is one of the best movies ever made then I'm going to have to stop hanging out with you...because you smoke crack.  I've never read the book that it was based on so I'm not sure if the genius was the author or if it was the one who adapted it for screen.  If you take away the living in an abandon house and fighting and blowing shit up you are left with an amazing philosophy of life. 
"You're not your job.  You're not how much money you have in the bank.  You're not the car that you drive.  You're not the contents of your wallet.  You're not your fucking khakis."

"We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.  Fuck Martha Stewart.  Martha's polishing brass on the Titanic.  It's all going down.  So fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns.  I say never be complete.  I say stop being perfect.  I say lets evolve...let the chips fall where they may."

"An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables...slaves with white collars.  Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes.  Working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need."

"The things you own end up owning you."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Impossible Things

"I will dare to do just what I do.  Be just what I am. And dance whenever I want to." Beverly Williams

Not so much of a dancer here...just the occasional solo living room variety.  But it speaks tons to how the last year has changed me.  I just read last year's post.  The fever in my blood has been cooled a bit...and I am a little more settled down (and all my shit is in one location now) but I still live just as small.  Continued have been my efforts of pairing down...the goodwill almost knows me on a first name basis and eBay has become my second source of income.  I've managed not to consumerize and replace any of the purged shit.  No longer do I struggle with the feeling of being a loser.  Daddy's birthday passed without the common side effect of head rattle that's accompanied it for all the years before.  I would call my life uncluttered.  There's not a ton of shit...not so many people in it...not so much expected of me.  Sometimes I get bored but am still resisting the commitment of cable tv.
The first completely solo girl motorcycle ride was Sunday morning.  It felt good to get it out of the building (and back in) and on the road without any help.  Even though the trip was to see my parental unit that lacked the same enthusiasm as myself about it I sometimes surprise myself and that feels really good.  I enjoy the little things everyday...things that seem too insignificant to tell most people.

Like the unexpected really low tide that let me and the furry guy splash in shallow tidal pools where the inlet normally churns and find tiny crabs that enjoyed the paparazzi. 


And the giant 65 pound turtles that I came across on my way to lunch.  Right after this shot they started banging their shells into each other...seems it was turtle fightin' not lovin'. 

And the beach while its still dark, just before sunrise.  Its good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight...like clockwork that song comes to mind every morning when I get there...then the other soul walks into sight and my day starts off good...again.  I'm looking forward to so much but don't have any plans.  It seems the best things in life show up and surprise you when you are least suspecting and things you thought unbelievable become real.  Who needs to plan when you have that...

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Feathers and Sharks Teeth

"I'll always be young.  About the age that the thought of touching my girl makes my heart race, my spirit soar and my vision blur." William Corinthus

This may seem a bit rambly and I have tendency to get a little deep into my own head when I don't talk to anything without fur...it could be delirium from lack of food.  Don't get upset...I am eating corned beef and cabbage right now... its the first since yesterday's breakfast. As some kind of a cruel joke being played on me by the Universe Roger's poo has smelled like corned beef to me since I turd lifted last night. Pretty sure I said out loud "You've got to be fucking kidding me".  He of course is oblivious and doesn't understand the blue bag concept anyway.

Music has a power all to itself.  It can flood you with a memory and take you to another place in an instant. It gets me through a lot. Every song makes me feel a little different and reminds me of a different time..all with one common denominator.  I can't even begin to say how many thoughts I've had today... my mind feels like its in hyper drive...and every single one has been about him.  As I was walking on the beach this morning I wondered (hoped) maybe I was on his mind as much. When I caught myself focusing on missing and feeling lonely or scared, I made myself stop and regroup and change my mind. My mind really is all I can control...it's all any of us can control.

I like when little things show up and let you know that you're on the right path...that everything is ok and to keep believing.  It's amazing where you find hope.

When I was leaving I thought what a weird feeling it is to have absolutely no where to be...and no one to know when you get there or not.  Then I opened my car door and my question of being on his mind was answered....and I do have someone that knows that I got there.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

From Here...

"We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dreams to be weaving.  And we all have some power too make wishes come true as long as we keep believing."  Louisa May Alcott

I remember the first time I got on the motorcycle with Velcro. He asked "Do you trust me?"  The answer was the same then as it still is now.  I wrapped my arms around him and dug my thumbs into his pockets and held on.  Doing the same thing now.  Never have I laid my bare naked soul out to be seen or been so absolutely honest and vulnerable about how I feel or cried in front of another person like I have with him.  I have always been told I'm hard to read because I show no emotion.  He doesn't have that side of me...there is no protective barrier.  Outside of being a bit of a mess it feels good to not hold back or to have to hide anything. 

From sitting on the bottom...everything is up from here.  Life recently has made me realize what is important and it's made me understand what I really want.  It's made me appreciate every single second...every word spoken...it's made me realize just how important this other person is to me and how much him being ok matters to me. 

There are things that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt.  I know that there are no accidents when it comes to people coming into your life.  I know I have so much to look forward to and I know he's going to be there with me.  I know that the best is yet to come.  And I know that very good things can happen faster than we can imagine possible. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

On The Subject of My Potential...

First I have to say that adrenaline doesn't do for me any favors...I am not a junkie.  It's been almost an hour since Roger and myself were charged by an unattended pit bull and I'm still a herky jerk.  I saw the dog well across the parking lot and there were two guys near him...one asked if he was my dog and the next thing he was in full attack charge.  He covered well over a 100ft in a matter of seconds.  In hind sight I know what I was doing although I was completely functioning on instinct.  I was trying to get Roger back over to a pickup truck (I guess to put him in it) and get between him and the dog. It was NOT f-ing cool.  The guys came running but didn't know what to do since no one really wants to grab a fricking pit bull that's not theirs.  I got Roger separated enough to get him in the door of the condo and immediately the other dog started listening to me.  There was a spare leash in my car and I put it on him.  I walked until I saw someone and asked if she had any idea who he belonged to...it was hers.  She wasn't even calling for him??  Apparently she heard yelling and looked out.  The yelling was me...ME.  I don't yell...EVER.  But guess I did this morning.  I never really understood how the dog was out on his own.  I know there's a whole subculture of people who swear by those dogs but they unpredictable and scare the shit out of me.  I really never want to hurt an animal but I'm pretty sure I was willing to stomp one pit bull ass over my little guy. 

Over the past week I've impressed myself with my 'not the average girl' attempts and accomplishments.  I passed the motorcycle course and got my license.  I was far less than perfect but did manage to get through figure 8's and tight cone weaving and a whole lot of other stuff I wouldn't have thought myself capable of.  I also replaced my disposal all by my little self.  I'm talking wiring and plumbing and everything.  The plumber wanted $250 to do it.  Some days I kick a lot of ass.  I was high on self accomplishment when my mother called the other day and I was passing along my stories.  Somewhere when telling about the written test she says something along the lines of "well you've always been smart...I've known for a long time that you've never lived up to your potential...you could have made something of yourself."  In her defense I'm sure that was supposed to be a compliment.  I just shook my head.  It didn't even really bother me when she said it.  It has gotten an awful lot of head time since then I have to admit.  I know that bartending is not a parents dream job for their kid...but I do what I do by choice.  Recently she and a cousin were putting together a genealogy book and my little half a paragraph included that I had been married and what I use to do for a living and that I currently live at the beach.  I haven't always been what I am...I started off playing by the unwritten grown up rules.  I had a real job and was rather successful...and miserable. I gave a long almost 18 years to an industry and profession that left me flat on my face when the economy soured.  I stood up, regrouped and found something that I enjoy. I'm not sure if in my potential I was supposed to make the world a better place and more sunny for the masses?  I'm confused most I guess by what people consider success and living up to your potential.  I have never ridden a coat tail and have always been completely responsible for myself.  I never asked my parents for help...of any kind.  It pains me to ask anyone for help and I am more than reluctant to taking any that comes unsolicited.  I know that sometimes I'm a bit erratic from the outside...like when I make my b's and d's backwards and walk off before making up both sides of the bed and like yesterday when I threw away eggs  from a carton marked sell by June 10.  But I took the eggs out and recycled the carton. Sometimes I'm all over the place and I can tend to wear people out but it's tightly rolled up with handy and resourceful and loving and  maybe a little bad ass. For the most part I keep my shit in one sock.  And I'm proud of that whether she ever will be or not. 

I write for my sanity and possibly to entertain and with any luck to maybe inspire and cause people look at life a little differently. I chase happiness.  And I love with all I have.  It's more than I can say for most of those free white and over 21.  If I'm falling short of potential...then falling short doesn't feel so bad.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Full Moon Party of Two

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces.  Fearing their power Zeus split them into two parts, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other half. 

Pretty amazing how much sense that makes.  I guess that's where the feeling of knowing  comes from followed by the big sigh of relief you soul breaths out when you finally find them. 

Last night we drove around and talked about everything and nothing...held hands and walked down on the dock in my old neighborhood. It looked like there wasn't going to be a moon sighting at all though.  Severe thunderstorm warnings were all around us and the sky was nothing but clouds.  Looking out from behind a pizza the size of my car and cold beers we couldn't even  get our bearings as to where the moon should be.  The rain completely missed...coming nowhere close to us. By about our 3rd Landshark the clouds started breaking up. From our vantage point on the back deck the most awesome moon came out and danced on the water for us...like it had planned us a surprise.  Nine months after our first full moon party we had our second. It was without all the people and no glow stick drinks....there was no marching jazz band of disappearing democrats. No ladder back chair to share beside the water...no fireworks that followed.  But there was all that mattered...Us. Was it 15 miles away or 1000?...you couldn't have proven it either way.  We live in paradise.  And we found each other.  It feels good when you stop and realize how incredible life is. 

I don't even know which way the clouds went but the sky opened up and there was even a shooting star.  Hard to imagine a better night.  Looking forward to a lot more of those.

Friday, September 9, 2011

What the Weekend Holds

"When the days are short, chances are you are living at your best." Earl Nightingale

On Day #3 of all good days.  Rog got double check marks on the beach again this morning. Ate lunch with Roger's girlfriend's mom.  Then I spent the afternoon in a swing by the water with better company than  I could dream of.  Writing this now from the balcony in perfect weather...wind chimes...cat washing her face from a belly full of kitten milk...Roger and his raw hide chewy at my feet.  Motorcycle 101 for the girl starts tonight.  I can't wait.  This weekend is gonna kick my ass...but its gonna be a lot of fun.  Looking forward to getting out on my bike....and stone crabs...and lazy afternoons with the Sopranos...and life.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sweet Sweet Life

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible." ~Claude Bissell


I love surprises...they are the best thing ever.  Yesterday I had three and one person was behind them all.  Not just kinda surprises...I was completely caught off guard and blown away by every single one.  The day started out ok...I was almost verging on happy for not so much of a reason.  Then my reason walked up beside me and the day turned into the first one in a long time that was good...all day. I came home and wrote....loaded the camera and editing software...walked the dog.  Simple things but even the simple things were good.  Surprises kept coming. It was the most I've smiled in a day lately.  Planning on smiling more every day. 
 
There's something very healing about the ocean...its so easy to get wrapped up in our lives and forget where we are.  We live where most people have to plan and wait and spend a shit pot of money to come to for just a week a year.  Pretty lucky.  Almost all those people are gone...and the coast is clear.  Its funny how I ended up here...I thought my world was crashing on top of me when I lost my job just 9 months after buying a house and just a few months after loosing my Daddy.  I even had to replace the hvac the day after I found myself income free.  I never would have guessed that fork in the road was leading me here and into the path of someone I'd been looking for all along.  Crazy how it works.  
 
There's always a bigger picture out there but we decided on taking the days as they come and they only come one at a time.  Yesterday is done.  Can't do anything about tomorrow until it gets here...then just work on making it good too.  I want to be surprised everyday...by just how good it turns out.

Looking forward to...more days like yesterday.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just a Girl in a Grown Up Costume

And now these three remain.  Faith, Hope and Love.  But the greatest of these is Love.

From just reading it's probably easy to think I'm the strongest most level headed person around. For the most part that's all I ever let people see of me. And I wish that was the case.  Maybe I'm better than average but the truth is I struggle too. Every days kick me in the balls just like they do everybody else.  Good days and bad days and going half mad days.  I cut down a tire and went hard into the wall last night...in public none the less. Awesome.  I managed to get away before I got really bad.  Mostly I do this on my own time and no one sees it but last night I had to reach for a hand to hold.  And he was there.  I think I apologized a hundred times. For being weak...for reaching out like a drowning person for something buoyant...just for being that person.  I was so freaked out this morning that I'd messed up by letting that side of me show.  Sometimes it surprises me just how much I trust him...more than any other person in my whole life.  Even with no promises and an uncertain future there is comfort just in his presence...the easiest person to be around ever.  It was all I needed...he brushed me off and stood me back up.  It's not something I'm going to be making a habit of.  I know that I can't stay spun out and that only I have the power to change my mind to "looking forward" to the good stuff.  Today is another day and it's started off as a really good one...better than I could have hoped.  I have so much to look forward to...Zac Brown concerts...jerk chicken nachos...trips to Florida...key lime pies on a stick...walks on the beach...talking...laughing...smiling...all with him by my side.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Permanent Reminder

Joy does not just happen to us.  We have to choose joy and keep choosing it everyday. (Henry Nouwen)

I decided to mark this time in my life and myself.  Inked on my foot now is Carpe Diem as a permanent reminder.  Seize the day.  Wikapedia also includes in the translation ...Trusting in the future as little as possible. Not meaning in a downer or haphazard approach to life way but as in tomorrow isn't a given...we have to make the most of right now.  A painful lesson I learned from my Daddy.  Even though he wasn't really in mind on the planning side of this one...it puts to words what I've wrestled with since his untimely exit.

It's unbelievable the relief I felt yesterday in just a few minutes and a few honest spoken words.  My ability to hide my emotions is out the door with him.  My feeling of being alone is replaced with feeling loved again.

Tomorrow will come.  Anger and hurt feelings will fade.  Relationships will heal.  I know you've heard me say it over and over...life works itself out.  The how and the when are out of our control.  All we can do is hold on and love the ones we love with all we have.  Let go of the bad...feeling scared...feeling guilty...feeling without.  It only drags us down and keeps us away from what we want.  Even when you can't, for sake of saving your own life, see a path out...there is one.

 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Shifting

Last night after 11 long hours with tourists I came home and bounded up the stairs two at a time to get to my bathroom confined puppy...he was feeling better and doing the happy dog dance to see me.  We walked even though it was late and I was dead tired. The weather was perfect...there had been 12 hours since anyone yakked, miss cat was drinking her kitten formula like it was whip cream vodka in a bowl and I cleared my head for the first time in days.  I decided that I have to shift my thinking.  All the things that I am missing so much I'm changing to looking forward to.  When I think about it as missing I can hardly breathe and I feel desperate and scared.  There's something I didn't tell you about the surfboard dumpster dive.  Last week I read The Secret again...kinda by accident.  Velcro isn't a big reader so I went through and dog earred pages and underlined the important stuff.  I'm so glad I did...I needed it.  What we think about and create in our mind is what shows up in our lives...the good and the bad.  On the beach that day there were a couple kids with their dad teaching them to surf.  I sat and watched them get all excited when they got up for the first time...funny the things that can make you happy if you let them.  The next morning I found the surfboard.  It was just a sign to show me I'm on the right path and that anything that you believe is possible... Is. 

I've been paying more attention to people that I wait on...I see the ones that are so happy to be together and never run out of smiles and things to say to each other.  Then I see the ones that haven't been happy in years having long over stayed their welcome. I wonder what they look forward to and if everything they do feels like a strained effort or over compromise.  I refuse to believe that's the way its supposed to be. It's wrong to spend your life that way.  It's all so incredibly short.

Today I have a million thoughts flying around and I feel like an air traffic controller keeping them all pointed towards good and not letting a rouge one spin me out. I have so many questions that I would like to know answers to...I always feel if I know everything I can handle whatever I'm up against.  But with that it almost seems like I admit doubt...and I don't have any. I'm not working through a broken heart.  I'm working through the challenge of believing what I know...that love like this comes around once.  I'm working through holding on and being strong.

Looking forward to hearing the key in the door and early morning coffee and foot lotion.  Looking forward to talking about everything and about nothing.  Looking forward to him having everything in his world that makes him happy and complete.  Looking forward to it including me.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Bet You Wish You Were Me

Yesterday after I took the furry one to the beach then came home and bathed the eleven hundred pounds of sand out of his fur, I went back down for what's become my daily therapy session with the sea.  Some days are better and a little easier than others...there isn't any type of pattern or progressive order to it that I've seen.  I smiled through the tears that the Keys in the Conch Shell brought on and they mixed with the saltwater as I butt floated in the waves.  It wasn't a bad day...just tough.  I came back home to a disastrous scene even by kennel standards.  It was the straw...I sat down in the floor in between piles from one end or the other and bawled.  Figuring out that the pity fairy wasn't coming with the carpet cleaner I gathered my wits, picked myself up and unfucked my house....for the first time.  After work I had a similar scene but at least most of the damage that time was centrally located on the linoleum.  Somewhere after midnight I finished the second round carpet cleaning.  Up to 7 yaks on the day so far and no matter how I try I still can't get a pepto to stay in him.  Now officially both of my kids are making me worry. At least the cat has ratcheted in the yakking since the dog has started.  Went to the grocery store and spent $25...and I got a potato out of the deal, seriously that's it.  40 varieties of cat food...rice for the dog...children's pepto that I've still not been successful with and baby food for the cat.  Me = fish out of water when it comes to the baby food isle trying to find shit...there are a lot of jars and they are very tiny and I don't see very well... its ubber confusing.  If you know me then you know that if the cat doesn't eat the baby food...more than likely I will...with vodka.
Wingman called to tell me Wagon Wheel was sang for me at the little marina bar where we drank cotton candy vodka. Wish I was there. It made me smile again and feel like I'm not in this boat all alone.  That maybe I'm being missed as much as I'm missing and being loved as much as I love.  Words don't do any justice to my feelings...hope he knows.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Saturday

Hang in there.  It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.  (frances hodges burnett)  Still can't believe how these things that are getting me by keep popping up so that I find them. 

I have recently spent about 85% of my food budget on cat food and the likes there of.  Gravy Lovers...Gravy pouches...crunchy tasty crap...the equivalent of kitty ensure...kitten milk formula...real baby food.  It's a good thing that my body has decided that food is the devil and is currently avoiding it like old fish bait in a hot cooler.  Carletta cat has about a 2 day capacity for liking the same thing these days. It's wearing me out but more I'm worried about her.  
The dog exercise program is on warp plan...I have walked his little ass off lately.  He got 30 miles in July and in August.  Today he got his check mark on the beach...first time in a while.  Since last Sunday when Velcro took me out to The Point, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't walked out there.  It's where we went this morning.  He didn't know what to think of me wearing tennis shoes on the beach but quickly decided he didn't give a damn about my paw cover choices.  After many attempts of keeping him out of the water and my shoes dry I gave up and wound up knee deep...wet shorts and all. 
It made him happy and he made me laugh.  What difference does it really make if your shoes are full of sand and water..they are just shoes.  I'm looking at a lot of things and strangers differently.  Things are just that and are mattering to me less and less.  Really realizing that you can't look at a person and have a clue of what they are dealing with or struggling through.  I wonder at every down cast eye on the beach if they feel scared and are missing someone like crazy... trying to figure out what the fuck to do next.  Scary that it almost makes me sound soft. 
When I wake every morning I lie there and think about good stuff until I'm relatively sure that my head is a safe distance away from my ass.  Good stuff like riding out to Ponce de Leon Inlet to the scene of "shrimp ordering shrimp".  The fish reuben at the marina when the space shuttle boom accompanied the screwdrivers with which the bartender was trying to kill me.  Facial expressions and winks and foot pads and closeness.
As of last night Beaver has taken to wearing cologne...it makes him feel sexy but kinda creeps him out that I sniffed him no less than a 100 times. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

It's The Little Things

Is it bad when shells-n-cheese with hot sauce for breakfast is a step in the right direction nutritionally speaking?  My recent level of sobriety has scared me...not that I've opted for a wagon ride by any means but I've actually tackled more time than normal with a clear head. 
I miss sharing that I had tuna miracle for lunch.  And that I found my photo software that I've torn about multiple houses in search of.  And that I rode my bike on the road yesterday for the first time and really didn't do anything too stupid.  I did manage to find neutral at an awkward time...btw there is no hiding that when you do it.  And that I had my greatest dumpster dive find ever this morning...it wasn't actually a dive...it was beside the dumpster but still. 

The really cool thing is on the bottom there are all these notes written to this guy Rich...he apparently really influenced these note writers lives.  I am aware that its all ratty looking and I have no idea if it will really work for a surfboard but it made me smile and sometimes that's enough. 
Miss my best friend...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Shame About The Weather

At any moment you can make a different choice about what you are doing, how you are feeling and what you are focusing on.  It's never too late to start over again and make new choices.  Another of the random things I've come across this week...just when I needed them. 
I'm face to face with the hardest thing I've ever gone through and as much as natural instinct is to crumble into a heap of sobbing self pity...I can't.  He didn't fall in love with a train wreck so I can't become one now.  Yesterday I woke to Travis Tritt's Help Me Hold On playing over and over like some kind of soundtrack that stuck in my head all day.  Today before I woke, somewhere between dream and reality, where your subconscious and intuition run the show...he was with me. My dream was of him but as I came away from it I felt his arms around me...I could even smell him.  I didn't want to move...I laid there and kept the feeling of being held.  Memories and details of places we've been and things we've done flooded my mind.  Tiny details that I'm positive I've never thought about.  Crazy what your subconscious holds onto.  He tells me I always know where he is...and he points to my chest 'I'm right there, always with you'. 
We breathe in and we breathe out and the world keeps spinning, the tides continue to rise and fall.  It is life...some days are devastating but some days you get lucky enough that someone crosses your path that makes it all come together.  I spent a long time waiting for that person and if waiting is in the cards...I've got nothing but time.  The question between us 'You know what we've got?  The rest of our lives.'  I believe in the power of love...and I know everything is going to be ok. I can hold on and be strong...turning loose isn't an option.  The songs my mind puts on repeat for me everyday seem to be what I need that day.

Woke to this today...'When I close my eyes I see you...no matter where I am.  I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines.  It's a shame about the weather.  I know soon we'll be together and I can't wait til then." zac brown

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How It Began



Decided against sharing our story... 
I didn't expect him to walk into my life...and it was more than chance that brought us together.  I didn't just come away with a good story and a lover....I came away with the love of my life and my best friend. I never want to imagine a day without him.  Life has a way of working itself out if you just give it time and a chance.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Today's The First Day of The Rest of My Life...

...And I'm alive and well.  (kenny chesney/dave matthews)  That song has been on repeat in my head lately.  This past week has been, for lack of a more descriptive and accurate adjective, tough.  Every thing in the world happens for a reason and in it's own time and this week was no exception.  It's weird how what you need to see finds its way into your path.  I always write down or drunk scribble (depending on my state of sobriety)things as I come across them because I do not retain well and  I tend to do more of drunk version. Somehow this week I've wound up with a couple pages.  Only sharing the relevant.

-The easiest thing in the world to be is you.  The hardest thing is to be what other people want you to be.

-No matter where you are in life right now.  No matter who you are.  No matter how old you are.  It is never too later to be who you are meant to be. (jerry & ester hicks)

I rented the movie The Beaver Tuesday night.  As much as I was predisposed to hate this fucking movie...it stole my story...a stuffed beaver taking on role as the voice of the alter ego, I couldn't.  I own that crazy, it's been mine for years now.  I did check the credits to be sure my ex husbands name wasn't on the screenplay, I would have probably come unglued and would currently be trying to dispose of a body instead of typing this.   It was actually very good and maybe gave me a little too much insight into myself. (Thats a blog for another day).  Who would have thought I would have spent half the movie pausing and rewinding to get it on paper. 

- Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable.  Crazy is pretending to be happy. Crazy is pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be the rest of your life

-There's someone who is with you...willing to pick you up...dust you off...kiss you...forgive you...put up with you..wait for you...carry you...love you.

Several weeks ago I was surprised by one of my usual suspect buddies when he asked me "Do you know what happiness is?"  I'm not a quick answer when posed with a thinking question...I told him I would put some thought to it before I answered.  To which he responded "Having something to look forward to".  So simple...and so absolutely true. 

-What seems strange becomes common. What seemed impossible becomes real. 

I really didn't know which way my life, our lives, were going a week ago. I have something to look forward to. Life isn't ever going to be predictable. But I know that the hand that I'm holding is the one that I'm going to walk thru it with. 




Sunday, August 21, 2011

Still Here

Not a lot to talk about right now.  Events of the week have been an emotional earthquake and have shaken me to the core.  Realization about myself...where I am and what's important to me have consumed my every thought.  I'm getting a face full of  practice what you preach...If there's nothing you can do about it, you have to let it go and only worry about what you have control over.  Which at this point is not so much...dog check marks...feeding myself...occupying my time...and maintaining control of my mind.  Earlier in the week that was impossible but I stopped and actually managed to breathe in...have bitch slapped my mind  and wrestled control of the wheel again. I think love is real when you are scared to death at how vulnerable you are but the thought of grabbing up your toys and running off the playground never crosses your mind.  I was asked if I had my running shoes on...and for the very first time in my life my answer was no. 

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tough Girls Hold Hands Too

I just finished reading Into the Wild.  It's about a kid that took off after college, gave all his savings to a charity, gave up all his earthly tethers and disappeared from his family.  I dog eared the pages that hit home to me...like I do in all of my books.  "Chris was very much of the school that you should own nothing except what you can carry on your back at a dead run."  There was another...a letter that he wrote to an old guy he met somewhere on the road...its entirely too long to pass along but it told him to get out and live and do and see all the places and do all the things he regretted not doing.  "If you attempted to talk him out of something, he wouldn't argue.  He'd just nod politely and then do exactly what he wanted."  "I was surprised, as always, by how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt."   
Starting to see the similarities now aren't ya?  It's the second such book I've read.  This one instead of being penned by the adventurer/wanderer himself ended more tragically.  Imagine: A Vagabond Story was a similar scenario with a much happier ending.  With a couple hundred dollars he left the country and traveled all over Mexico and Central American...living in hostels and working odd jobs to get by.  I share a wander lust with them both.  All of my life I've been a rebel with no cause.  Throwing the middle finger to conformity and standing firmly by myself in my made up beliefs.  As I've aged the rebelliousness softened into odd and currently is probably teetering on eclectic.  Even though I've never had the balls to peace out of society and take to the road with a backpack I harbor jealously and a bit of penis envy for those that have. 

There is no secret that several times in my life I've completely lost my self.  Lost in normalcy.  Instead of being who I am, I was chipped away at until I became some hybrid version of what they expected.  The bad ass girl slipped out of sight after one too many flips of the Sunday morning omelet.  That in turn was the demise of the relationship(s).  Then of course I come out of the corner like a wet pissed off cat scratching and biting to reclaim myself. 

I feel good that I don't hide or modify who and what I am with Velcro.  I am an open book...there is no hidden agenda...no sneaky program behind the scenes.  I like that I can ask for an opinion other than my own but know that I don't need permission.  This being independent but holding a hand thing has been bouncing around in my head for sometime, then I read this and it really summed up a lot of how I feel.  Kinda wish I had written it.  I don't feel alone even though I'm by myself sometimes.  I rest beneath his smile and he's with me every minute.  It's a delicate balance being a tough girl in love...

Velcro told me that he sees the world differently than ever before since knowing me. That made me happy.  My ability to realign my thoughts is probably one of my best assets.  I doubt it's super hero enough to require a cape but it helps me on the rare occasions my head and ass get in close proximity. My happy lists get me back on track when my wayward mind takes off on me.  Here's my latest list

-Lightning Bugs
-Day Lillies
-A 3 Beer Buzz...I know alcohol does not solve any problems but neither does milk.
-Velcro's Dimple...it shows up with his happy smile
-Seagulls... minus the poop
-Foot pads...love feeling them touch each other
-The Shu's replacement...more pictures of her to come.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Bitter Sweet

Sunday morning 8:52 - Spaghetti w/ goat cheese and Season 2 of Weeds.  How can any one not want to be me??
Not sure if the entire world experiences odd planetary alignment at the exact same time or not but everyone close to me seems to share my schedule.  Saturn has been tilted and threatening to take out adjacent planets for the past week or so.  I have ramblings and thoughts that I've scribbled and none of them actually tie together but they warrant sharing. 

Why does hind sight seem to be my best light?  Not for me but for how people view me.  I've been trying hard lately to identify and break patterns.  The patterns that have governed my life.  The keep quiet and look fine when you're really not so much and then bailing before the unsuspecting have a clue of what's going on.  I blame no one.  I am the problem.  My non-confrontational side is damning.  I'm scarred from a childhood of "turn the other cheek" and it's made me less than honest about my feelings...whether they are the good  or the hurt ones in relationships.  My calm in the center of the storm self is a mask of what I'm dealing with on my own time.  So for the first time, as awkward as it feels to me, I actually talk about things and how I feel.  Don't worry I'm not becoming a softy and I will still kick the shit out of you. This new modified bad ass girl is only exposed to one Velcro... to everyone else, expect to see no difference.  Pretty sure after I wrote this I went to bed before dark...in a tourist town...obviously I am awesome.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Being A Badass Is Hard Work

A conversation between me and Velcro led me to Asking Jeeves "what causes dogs to get stuck together?"  Not for nothing it automatically populated the field so we're not the first to ponder to the point of research.  I guessed the lack of astroglide knowledge or the damn opposing thumb issue.  We decided the stray or unattended house pet population is obviously down since its not a common occurrence like it used to be.  I've personally never witnessed it but he tells me they wind up butt cheek to butt cheek. And when rocks are thrown at them one always get the "No I'M going first!" advantage...I imagine much like moving a couch.  Talk about a walk of shame...Jez.  Can you imagine getting dragged around the neighborhood backwards after a bad lay?  Hard denying that one.  I was hoping they would have a picture since it's something I haven't had the luck of seeing but not the case.  I'm sure I could have found one with a little more googling but was honestly concerned what kind of seedy underbelly sub culture of doggie porn I might uncover.  I don't need my house raided for hitting a crazy PETA trip wire some where in internet land.  These are the kinds of things we talk about...you see why I like him so much. 

I'm torn a lot of times to how much I filter when I go from paper to everyone seeing.  I am the bad ass rather emotionally distant person.  I have very few close friends and even fewer people ever get past this to see the girl inside the tough exterior.  The difference between the strong and the weak is the strong break down and fall apart only on their own time and outside the presence of any others. They wait until no one is looking to sit and cry on the steps by themselves.  Not trying to get a reaction or a fix from another.  Then they stand up and brush off their skunt knees before anyone sees them.  They know that all that can fix them is their own mind. The struggle of never wanting to be a burden to someone else but at the same time wanting to grab hold and feel someone stand you back up and kiss your forehead like you can't remember anyone doing when you fell off your bike as a kid.  The weak wear everything around on the cuff...they post every emotion and mushy I love you shits on facebook.  Pick up the phone and tell who you love that you love them.  I don't want to read that gay shit.  Really not so much different between the strong and the weak except I guess maybe pride and knowing that no one else is responsible for you.  As long as I'm standing I deserve to walk beside someone and hold their hand.  If I fall down I don't feel I deserve it...it's what gives me the power to stand back up.  Sometimes it sucks to be strong.  Strong doesn't always feel so much that way from the inside looking out.  And that's how I feel every once in a blue moon....all the other days...I feel like I have the world by the short hairs.
Save your strength for things that you can change.  Forget the one's you can't.  You've got to let it go. (Zac Brown)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Patterns

I've started realizing patterns.  It seems to be that weekends are when I forget the basics.  Like that food is kinda sorta required to live. And it seems that Sunday mornings are when the realization off needing food collides with the questionable grocery supply and odd breakfast choices come into play.  Today it's Tuna Miracle Charlie Brown and tostidos.  My calorie intake has probably surpassed the last two days collectively already and its not even 9:30.

Not sure if every body's mind works like mine and does the same shit to them, but mine is like constant endless rambling chatter.  If you think its hard to be around me sometimes then I would welcome you to a weekend inside my head.  It wears me the. fuck. out.  Most times I can keep it in check and pretty well harnessed then other times it bucks loose and runs rabid like a pent up horny jack russell that darts past you at the back door and terrorizes the neighborhood before you can get it back on a leash.  I think its directly proportionate to the amount of outside interaction I have or don't have.  I spend a lot of time alone so I'm pretty use to listening to the bee hive of thoughts buzzing around in there.  Patterns of me...I have always been the girl that's always ok.  No matter what my toast lands jelly side up if dropped.  There's a self preservation perimeter that I've always set up that's kept people a safe zone distance away...from me.  Let's just say someone on the late shift wasn't watching the screens and one snuck in under the radar.  It's probably the best feeling ever to be wide open honest with no reservations or walls or defenses.  And so completely against my pattern.  I know that you can't depend on someone else to maintain your happiness...that's a weight that no one can tractor pull through life.  The line is so fine between loving someone like crazy and still being independently happy even when schedules don't mesh and all you want is to see that smile that lights your world.  I always have epiphanies while dog walking.  Today's was that I don't have to pull back to establish a safe zone and go into repeat pattern mode.  I just have to change my little chatterbox mind to accept that in the wandering craziness of the inhabitants of this spinning ball...I managed to get lucky enough to cross paths with the one.  And that's all that matters. Crazy happy disease.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Bachelorette Breakfast

Sunday morning 8:13 I am cooking stir fry.  No not from scratch...from bag + extra broccoli and yes it required me to spray the shit out of it with the aerosol oil because I still do not have any real olive oil.  Pretty sure I almost completely forgot to eat yesterday.  Unless watermelon and peanut butter can be considered meals.  By the way, if all one eats in a day is watermelon ones body takes on the digestive ability that it shows with corn.  In case you needed to know. 
You may ask yourself...is that the same loaf of bread that was talked about in May??  Yep and as you can see its missing about 3 pieces-ish.  Thinkin about hooking it up in a topsy turvy planter on the balcony and growing some antibiotics...taking health care reform into my own hands. 

Happenings of late.  I painted my kitchen red....flame actually.  I dig it.  More painting to come.  Also I purchased myself a big ass TV.  Most asked question/statement so far...So you decided to get cable?  Um...no.  I stepped out of mainstream media some where about late March/early April when I decided trying to work television into my life just took more effort than I was willing to muster.  Now that I have a TV the size of Rhode Island I feel no differently.  I haven't missed it for one second but must admit I would consider this same behavior during football season a sin.  What I have been doing is watching the Sopranos box set.  Sopranos + me during tourist season = trouble and/or potential for disaster and everyone at work has pointed this out.  It is only a matter of time before I walk up to a table and ask "How YOU doing?" with my little southern accent then snatch one of them out of their seat and pummel the shit out of them all Tony Soprano like...then stand up, straighten my little shirt and ask the rest of the table what salad dressing they'll be having.  The warning has been laid out there...do not be the one.

Roger dog is back on his exercise program.  As with most Jenny Craigers he had fallen off the wagon.  Mainly because I suck but also because 3 moves in 8 months isn't really conducive to setting up routines and sticking to them.  Life has settled down and Velcro has settled me down to loving mornings and one dog is back on check mark track.  He has decided not to give up his peanut butter habit for sake of health...much like my choice with vodka.

Not feeling weird about Father's Day at all.  Time is an amazing healer.  Time takes care of everything but it takes everything away too.  It's your best friend and worst enemy rolled into one.  I love the reckless abandon of kids on the beach.  Absolutely nothing matters past the next 2 seconds to them.  Time turns us into grown ups... and we loose that... and keep waiting for happy to just happen to us. Then that beautiful healing Time sneaks up on us.  It's not as forgiving coming from the other direction.  I wish Daddy hadn't ran out of Time.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Happy Bad Idea Day

Just realized that today is my anniversary.  If I'd have stayed married to the porn addicted, high lighted hair metro sexual it would have been 7 years...add that to the 4 we spent "dating" and it adds up to what could have been a whole bunch of wasted life. Pretty awesomely happy that one didn't work out.  Narrowly escaped domestic captivity.

Where I live the average age is supposed to be something like 42 ish.  I find this ragingly hard to believe since everywhere I turn...the beach, gym, work...it looks like K&W spontaneously combusted and spewed old people all over the place.  Unless there are a whole damn bunch of 5 year olds I'm just not seeing the law of average landing us in the low 40's.  As I was working out and trying to ignore the geriatrics scattered all over the gym looking like my living room floor with the stuffing out of the dogs toys...I pondered...What if these are really just human turtles?  They have that pace and the head turn thing and all. Maybe they are really like 250 years old like the tortoises on Animal Planet. Except for one guy that looks like Rocky's trainer Mickey, just a little quicker.  He's always doing little darty boxer feet and dancing around people in there.  He did it to me today.  One of the real turtle look-a-likes has the ankle hang upside down thingys.  He may top out at about 110 pounds but his toupee of questionable fur origin accounts for at least 5 pounds of that.  I have no idea how he keeps it from falling off while he dangles upside down.  Holy shit ya'll I live in a terrarium.  Factor in today's pharmaceuticals and they are all getting laid.

The face book is pretty amazing sometimes.  I just found all of the kids that I went to 7th & 8th grade with.  Those were super tough years for me and the first time my inner rebel reeaaallly started to develop.  Kinda like tits but way feistier. I lived in a really poor county with only one public junior high and high school. The red headed freckled white girl was a major minority and an endangered one at that.  So the parents moved me into a private christian school. Cue the music...this is were the shit headed down hill.  Hind sight says I should have taken a white girl ass beatin' and lived a normal life.  I immediately fail Bible class because all they wanted you to do was memorize chapters at a time.  Now if you know me you probably know that this poses absolutely no challenge.  I can memorize and test like a full out sum bitch...if I am so inclined.  I was in the beginning stages of my now full blown "I don't fucking think so" disease.  So needless to say I were no so inclined.  And it just pissed me to no end that the others were playing sheep and doing it..  There was chapel...best I can recall 2 days a week.  2 days a week that you got out of class, which should have been a good thing. and herded into church where they talked about people they saw die very gross and descriptive mangled car wreck deaths and then burn in hell.  Sigh.  This actually worked on most of them and they would pile up at the altar to pledge their souls and virginity and first born or whatever.  They had bizarre rules.  We wore dresses and our knees could not show....cause you know the knee is a crazy seductive thing.  All the sports and PE were played in below the knee koolots.  The boys and the girls were not allowed to be within 6 inches of each other. The "6inch Rule". I wonder if the average junk size of the average male played into the choosing of distance?  Even if we were jammed in at the lunch tables there must be space...I think I actually remember a ruler being carried around.  Note-this may be where my stand offish to touching nature originated.  I'm not sure when I fell off the church wagon but it no doubt started somewhere around here.  Of the ones I found...every single one of them have a plethora of children...all thank god somewhere in their profiles and are my mothers absolute dream family.  I am the one and only of them all to suck severely at marriage...refuse to procreate and sit full on across the page as an agnostic.  My poor mother...she did all she could.  I don't think that the down the throat shoving of religion made me like I am.  I'm sure I would still believe like I believe.  It is after all pretty much all made up by me.  But that old soul part of me knows its right...for me.  It appears to have taken on all the others.  One causality  isn't so bad I guess.  Makes me think of a Buffett line "I was force fed my religion but some how saved my smile."


I have a new insurance guy.  Since I've ventured past the state line I've had to change out basically all my policies...pain. in. the. ass.  This new guy has worn me out.  The consensus is that he's sniffin and just wants to get an eye on me and see what I look like.  He's made about 3 attempts.  I got the application for my Jeep policy and under occupation it said Blue Collar.  BLUE-FUCKING-COLLAR.  I bartend.  That's service industry.  How does this mange to rate blue collar??  I kiss blue collar ass all summer in hopes of a 5 spot.  So I fill it all out and sign the 45 frickin required places.  Circle Blue Collar and write "wow...really" and mail it in.  To which I get another call (btw at this point he just says "hey" and starts talking...we've already interacted that much).  It was blamed on an antiquated system and lack of career choices.  Welcome to my world.  I told Velcro that Goober Punch had called again...he actually guessed who I was talking about. No idea where the name came from but I've laughed every time I've said it.  I am such an easy date.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Ground I Can Cover In a Month

For the first time in a long time my life is settled again.  Every single tiny possession is tucked into its little place.  I have just enough to not look like I'm living in a communal college apartment but still teeter safely on the edge of minimalist.  I've been writing some...mostly just drunk scribblings.  I know the point would be to not edit out the bad but this is my world and you are visiting and I really choose not to lay my bare naked soul out in front of you.  My parental unit came to see my new digs and was less than proud and supportive...could just be the difference in personalities and my skewed perception but as I always say...perception is reality.  A few days after the visit I had some kind of fucked up self realization and actually questioned the core of who I am as my problem...and maybe it is.  I cried myself to sleep that night...But in the morning light I remembered that  I really like me.  I'm the happiest I've ever been.  What the fuck is with me questioning that.  I severely hate getting off of even keel. They told me at work that I'm like watching Monty Python...I'm ok in small doses but you just can't handle much of it.  I can't describe the amount of happy that I am for having someone who can take me in full doses.  I think the people who are around me feel sorry for Velcro and at the same time may question his sanity for choosing me.  He held my hand and brought me down from the ledge that I managed to perch myself on. 

A loaf of bread has been purchased.  Its the first one I've bought since September.  I picked it up after I figured out that every dirty dish in my sink was related to either alcohol or peanut butter...I am not kidding about this.  In my defense some belonged to the dog...the peanut butter not the alcohol.  My first week in the new place and I flood out the neighbors with my misbehaving dishwasher circa 1936 or some shit. They are so going to love me...I know how to win people over.  So needless to say I'm not using it anymore.  Its not that big of a deal but it makes you realize that you've just gone about 5 days (according to the number of dirty peanut butter laced spoons) and all that's missing from your suedo college existence is a pyramid of beer cans and some empty pizza boxes.  I have got to learn to feed myself again...not for nothing the pizza box would indicate at least one meal had been consumed.  Hence the loaf of bread.  I had grand intentions for it but as of yet all I've used it for was to hide a pepto so the dog would take it.  Odds are I'm going to finally land on the idea of a grilled cheese about the time that its been around long enough to be addressed by name and has quite the penicillin farm growing on it.  If I actually ate good and didn't drink my weight in whip cream vodka I could look like a frickin rock star.  Meh.

I saw a motorcycle wreck last week...it was one of the most disturbing things I've seen in a long time.  It didn't  make me nervous to ride or discourage me from wanting my own.  Your odds may get called and that really doesn't bother me. I may freak the f out at the thought of loosing Velcro but not so much myself. When you see someone die completely out of time and unsuspectingly it makes you think.  I've fretted in the past about a will and who would get my real estate and whatever but in hind sight who gives a fuck.  Outside of someone stepping up to handle my furry guys I have no worries.  There's never going to be a devastated husband and motherless off spring.  In the big picture I have not so much to loose...that's a very freeing discovery. 
There was a most awesome full moon this week.  The Rog and I walked all the way to the big field to get an unobstructed view.  Four months after the first one...still crazy in love.  Right now in my little girl grown up world I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

One That Matters

Today is the birthday of my best friend and running buddy Nanner.  We met about 6 years or so ago...like most relationships that are meant to be...completely random and haphazardly.  I was in sales and she was in marketing.  One of my hated cold calls turned into one of the best friendships of my life.  I was at her 30th birthday get together...it was the first time we went from work interaction to real life.  (Note I just finished off the bottle of liquor I gave her that year the last time I visited...I know her better now...I no longer buy her liquor.)  We went to drag queen bingo together and she brought me stacks of movies and kept me company when I was on house lock down from having my neck screwed back together.  She took a picture of Beaver when he was wearing his neck brace and emailed it to me with a conversation bubble above his head so that he could do movie reviews.  It was the beginning of my alter ego expressing himself.
She was the one I turned to when my marriage went horribly wrong and I had no place to go and no one to care.  She's been there as I've picked the pieces up time and time again.  We share the same cynical possibly jaded view of the world and its inhabitants.  And she's one of the few people that I seriously do no worry about offending...not that I worry more that I can't.
We've shared the ups and downs of our 30's, many a cocktail and woos and maybe a drunken shadow puppet or two.  We've been mistaken for sisters or chicks that prefer comfortable shoes more times thank can be counted.  She told me I'm the only person from her 30th party that she still speaks to...I'm glad its me.
Happy Birthday Nanner.

Monday, April 18, 2011

38

I'm kinda sorta a few days late on my birthday writing.  Partly because weekends kick my ass at work and I don't have a lot of free my mind time and partly because I had to get my head wrapped around it.  Not really sure how I feel.  A big deal was made about my birthday by my Velcro and friends that I've only known for a handful of months that most likely do not know my last name.  Of the two that were there from the start...one is dead and the other, I'm beginning to come to grips, doesn't care for me so much.  At least not as a person...as an idea I'm holding onto hope that she does.  I hate that...I hate that I've filtered myself so much for so many years trying to not disappoint or upset for being so ragingly different.  Only to still not be liked.  I prefer if you're not going to like me that I give you a big fucking reason for why not.  For the longest time I just felt rebellious but now I know that its just who I am and I've grown into it quite well.  I've been told more times than I can count "That's not the way you were raised".  I didn't get a call on my birthday from her...
I feel amazingly grateful for the people who are in my life by chance or more likely fate.  They are the ones that make me feel important and special.

I made a random observation the other day to Velcro and once again my unaverage girl knowledge surprised him.  None was the answer when we tried to figure out how many chicks would have known what I was talking about.  Then he says to me "You are one of none".  And I like being that girl.
I realized this morning how much more I like early mornings and prefer the sunrise and clean cool air and birds singing vs late nights drinking to the desperation samba being danced in smokey confines.  I am aged out...and I am happy about that.

Friday, April 8, 2011

What I Am

I am unappologetically non-conformist.  I buck the basics of society that most people govern their lives by...marriage, religion, breeding and the art of consumerism.  I own better than I rent.  The two times that I've signed leases I've broken them...and the same can be said for marriage licenses. 
I take the next logical step but without over thinking or planning out the next 10 steps to follow.  I feel entirely too young to have smile lines but at the same time I feel like I've lived so many lives before. 

My house is packed up...yet again.  This little island has been the only consistent thing in my life.  For 20 years now...its been there.  I remember the feeling of relief that I felt for all those years when I would drive down and cross over Highway 17.  It's the same feeling I feel everyday now...not having to contend with the real world....the one that exists away from the ocean.  I've sworn to never leave the coast again....I have found me a home...in a sense.  And I'm not now...just migrating a little tiny bit souther.  Unfortunately it will not be enough for the weather to suit my clothes but its that next logical step that I pride myself in being able to find with very little effort every time. 

There's good in everything.  Seeing the waterway from my rented deck.  Grilling for yourself at lunch time on a Thursday with a cold Corona.  Going to miss those things.  Think I may miss the complete lack of obligation...the idea that I could pick up and haul ass at any given moment.  I like the idea of it but it makes me feel restless and unsettled and dangerous at the same time.  Looking forward to not feeling that way. 

So if something calls for a tablespoon of vegetable oil and you just spray the shit out of it with that oil in a can stuff...does that count?  I'm still always gonna be just me.