Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Perpetual Mid Life Crisis

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why" - Mark Twain

Clearly I have one of the two figured out, but that second one is eluding me in a major way.  I heard the other day that women typically hit their mid life crisis at age 34 and it lasts for 5 years.  Men at age 43 and it normally lasts for 10 years.  The signs that you may be having a mid life crisis include the sudden and overwhelming need to simplify your life.  The list went on from there but I stopped paying attention.    I guess since we can't count my lack of giving a damn in my 20's then its pretty accurate for me. I was 34 when I threw in the "fuck it" towel on my marriage and walked away from all the tethers of possessions and real estate.  Then I bought and filled up another house only to feel suffocated and get rid of all of that stuff too.

On my 40th birthday I went to the gym with my pants on inside out and a tag the size of Rhode Island hanging out the crack of my ass...I know this because some old lady came up and pointed it out to me.  I thanked her for the information and finished my work out and walked my ass and tiny state dangling from it home.  My right boob currently has second degree burns on it from the curling iron (I have no idea how the fuck it happened but it just typical of me. Surprisingly I was sober. ) And I still make a habit of boiling eggs for half an hour.  I've struggled lately with failure or my perception of it...perception is in fact reality.  Velcro has hugged away more tears in the last few weeks than he has likely ever seen from me before.  The grown up day job, I've walked away from and gone back to bartending for now.  All hope isn't lost but the wind was knocked out of me to with the admitting of defeat.  Like the car sick feeling you get when the world is spinning out of your control.  My footing feels to be regaining and I'm working on letting go of the feeling of needing to be in control of my life.  The illusion of control.  I am proud of my cat like reflexes that always seem to get my feet back underneath me before I smack the ground.  This time though, I must admit I didn't do it entirely on my own and that's a good feeling too.  In the past, the last few weeks would have triggered the packing my shit and an exit stage left, but running isn't on my agenda anymore.  I have though taken 2 loads of shit to Goodwill, so I am positive I'm not settling into an accumulation stage.  The balls of my 40's may not be in my death grip yet but I'm working on it.  

"Know you're not the only ship out on the ocean. Save your strength for things that you can change, forget the ones you can't.  You gotta let it go." - Zac Brown