Saturday, December 31, 2011

This Year

I'm not so much on resolutions and if I were to put what I "plan to do" in print it would only be proof to solidify opinion that I fly by the seat of my intuitive pants.  I am, however, reflective and have been trying more and more to hang on to and remember the little moments.  They are the essence of life.

This year I moved twice, found out that I still feel like I have too much shit and the hind sight of squatting in my Daddy's single wide paradise feels more like comfort than the desperate that it felt at the time.

This year I discovered Whip Cream vodka.

I learned I can live without cable, 10 months and counting (I did score an antenna).

I ate stone crabs but never had to crack them. 

Sported a sunburn in January.

I broke a lease and a heart.

Got on the back of a motorcycle and held on.

Painted my kitchen red.

Turned myself into a Blonde.

Made the single best spontaneous decision of my life...

Went flounder fishing for the first time, and figured out I'm a better at toad fish fishing.

Got surprised on my birthday.  Got surprised a lot.

Went to my first bike rally and ate my first lobster roll.

Consumed the majority of my calories from alcohol.

Let go of the security of an extra car.

Rediscovered pork skins.

Bought a Harley.

Went by myself and got a new tattoo.

Found out good people some times find themselves at the wrong place and end up in prison. 

Read The Secret again...and it changed my prospective again.

Wrote more than I have any other year.

Had countless hours of therapy by the ocean.

Took one of the best pictures I've ever taken.

Laughed more than I can remember.  Smiled more than a girl should.  Cried more than I wanted to.

Learned the love and patience of sweet talking to the dog even when you are cleaning the squirty poops out of his tail hair.  When the intestinal fungi made him not so much of a fun guy.

Took down the wall and loved someone more than I knew possible.

Not so much was accomplished and I'm sure I will keep thinking of things that I should have added to my list but I'm happy and you can't really ask for more than that.  Paint your days as you like, we don't have for-fucking-ever. Tonight is our first New Years together...I plan on staying up because at 12:01 the best year of our lives is going to begin.  And I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Look Inside

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today."

Have you ever eaten Burger King alone in your car on Thanksgiving?  Have you ever wandered the isles of Blockbuster on Christmas day or driven around with the dog?  No?  Then you will never know what its been like to be me.  I know that the statute of limitations is long since expired for blaming my relationship with my mother for anything.  But I have to still be aware that it was and is instrumental in how I tackle life and for what I want from other people.  I've never felt the all enduring love and forever proud of you and I want you happy no matter what that I see in others parents.  Last week I took a few blows below the belt from her disguised as always with concern and martyrism.  As much as I truly don't care, it still spins around in my head for days.  The hardest part is that I never see it coming, I don't know whether to expect the easy what's going on in my life update or to brace for hearing how much I wasted my potential and the hurt that I inflict on her with my daily decisions. Over the course of the last twenty some years I've built up quite the defense system and the Great Oz has lost the ability to come out from behind the curtain. 

What this leads to is what I've always wanted.  I want quick answers to dumb questions.  I want to laugh unexpectedly and a lot.  I want someone that doesn't mind that I can sometimes completely shock and embarrass grown men with things that I say.  I want some one that can handle me even when I'm a mess. I want someone that's ok with me being an over sized kid and wanting too many bubble baths.  I want someone to protect me even though I don't need it. I want my random sporadic mind to be appreciated for just what it is.  I want someone that reminds me to finish the sentence that I started and stopped.  I want someone that knows when I start getting off track and reels me back in.  I want someone to love like crazy. I want someone to hold me when I cry and not think I'm a girl for doing it. I want someone to be proud that I am theirs. All I've ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally.  For the first time someone has made me feel that.