Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Answers To All The Questions You're Too Afraid To Ask

"The trite objects of human efforts - possessions, outward success, luxury...have always seemed contemptible to me."  Albert Einstein

From the uninformed outside looking in, I'm sure I appear to be the laziest of all online writers.  If we are judging based solely on my writing output, I guess you would be right.  Lots of big changes have gone on and are still going on.  If I were a tomato plant, I would be growing in one of those "as seen on TV" topsy turvey planters.  I've given up the stablity of my job of almost 3 years (funny how I have gotten geared to thinking of a $2.13/hour bartending gig in a tourist town as stability) to pursue a for real career (gasp).  Since there is never just one step to any journey worth taking, most of my time lately has been spent waiting tables and getting the new digs going....hence the lack of writing. With that said, I have a smelly pile of badly sorted laundry ideas that all want to get into the washing machine of words at the same time.  And although I know I run the risk of turning tighty whities pink, I'm going to put everything into one blog.

Over the course of the past few months I have put Coon Dick to very good use, not to mention the fact that it has given my Velcro a much MUCH needed break from being my only go to guy for all my crazy ass questions.  Even when he suspects that he knows the answer right off, he still does several days of research before sending my answers documented via email. In case any of you have a wondering or wandering mind like my own, I've decided to pass along his answers so you won't have to go seeking this knowledge on your own. 

The first question I had for him required a visual that I can not supply to you, but coupled with the question "Why do I have blonde cock hair on my big toe?"  "And why can my little tiny 5lb 100 year old cat poop a terd that I would be proud of?"  I got the head shake that I have become so accustomed to, whether it be from him or Velcro and he said he would get back to me.  This arrived a few days later.

Problem 1 This is a problem(?) experienced by all fair skinned males and rare occasion on fair skinned females. The cause with respect to females is too many male genes. Now at first glance at the toe of our subject, we would certainly not think she had extra male genes due to the beautiful curves of her body, but looking deeply into her mind she shows signs of somewhat being a "Tomboy".

Problem 2 Cat Poop should be "deep brown" in color and "well formed"--not too hard and not too soft and mushy. Normal cat poop should not smell too foul.

Lowering the size of your cats poop----CD suggest more oral intake of "canned pumpkin".. This should produce two poops a day instead of one large poop. I wish I could take credit for this "Gem" of knowledge, but the credit goes to two of my students (Both alcoholics in Marion County) the honorable "Duke" and "Highpockets". Both of these gentlemen being in the "Cat" business for numerous years...CD.

I immediately went to the Food Lion and bought a can of canned pumpkin for the cat, unfortunately she's about as big of a fan of Thanksgiving as I am and only ate a little before letting me know it didn't suit her palate.  The next thing I came up with for him was the relative buoyancy of nuts...its strange the things that fascinate me.  Would they be positive, negative or neutrally buoyant?  And I also sent him yet another picture of a tree that I'd never seen before.

The first thing that comes to mind with respect to testicles is "age". We all know that a young baby boy has very small "tight" nuts, and can instantly get an erection with very little stimulation. Now you drop a small baby boy in the deep end of a swimming pool and he will go straight to the bottom upon hitting the water, but he will immediately come back to the top with the utilization of his arms working in a paddling motion. (Learned this procedure from "Nina" (my mother)(another alcoholic) who taught my first son how to swim at 6 months. Thank god she passed away before my second son was born).. Now if my son had nuts as big as my next door neighbor "Johnny Carson" (93 years of age, and nuts as big as my head that hang out the bottom of his shorts when sitting) he would have floated back up to the top without using his arms. Johnny advises me that the older you get the bigger your nuts get with "Hot Air" which creates the flotation device, which is great for old men when drowning. Johnny also advises he hasn't had an erection in 30 years and only uses his wife for dipping his finger in "to wet it" so as to "turn pages" when reading. With that said, if you are beginning to see testicles beginning to float in the "bath tub" I would deduce this to be a sign of the ageing process, and would definitely keep myself covered when he is reading a book.

Part 2: My astute constituents advise the following: (pls don't send me anymore bushes or trees unless an emergency situation as my followers drive me up the wall)

Golden Berries, also known as Incan berries, are indigenous to South America, and are often referred to as the goji berry of the region. They contain a remarkable amount of protein (16% - more than whole wheat!), as well as vitamins A and C to help boost your immune system. Sunfood raw Incan Berries are sweet, tangy, and have been gently dried at low temperatures so that they have a consistency similar to raisins. They are rich with bioflavonoids, also known as vitamin P, which have anti-carcinogenic, anti-inflammatory, antihistamine, antioxidant properties, and more! These wonderful morsels contain pectin, which helps to regulate the process of digestion, and aids in lowering blood cholesterol and glucose levels. Add them to your trail mix, your cereal, or use them to garnish your favorite dessert!

But he followed that up with "only when they are ripe, otherwise can be very poisonous".  After I send him several more pictures to determine if I have some ripe enough not to kill me, he goes the back door to Velcro and tells him to take them away from me and throw them away.  Conspirators...sigh.  You can also see that he has hex voodooed me from asking anymore tree questions.

One night we are at happy hour at our favorite Sushi bar/drinking place and I suddenly needed to know something.  These are our back and forth texts.

Me: Have a question...
CD: Yes mam?
Me: Ok...I know butt cracks come in different heights and lengths...but are the cornholes in the same place on everyone?
CD: Assuming this question was somewhat prompted by the game outside, but being from ole school the answer is yes with the exception of when you are eating "silver queen"  That is done orally I hope you know.
Me:So you're saying that inches from back to front are the same on all people?
CD: No....cornhole is in the same place
Me: So could you do some research about butthole placement?  That's more of what I had in mind.

After a few minutes, obviously used for research.
CD: Cornhole is 2 inches from the vagina which is what we call "taint meat"  Technical term we use.
Me: Does this measurement apply to men as well?  You are aware more than likely there will be a tape measure double check done.
CD: Absolutely!  Ck from his cornhole to his scrotum sack when hanging down
Me: Welp I'll be getting back to you with some research under my belt
CD: I'm interested in your measurements.  Be good for documentation.  Pls follow up.

I'll give you one guess if I was allowed to get anywhere near all of that with a tape measure...nope.  I decided more alcohol intake is probably needed for my test subject. 

Next question:  If you bake and filet a human...would the arms and chest be white meat and the thighs and legs be dark meat?  Not to go into researching blindly he asked me if I was referring to white people or black...to which I began to question my question and then wanted to know either and if they would be different from each other.

Have had extensive conversations today with "CM" out in Nashville and will now try to "boil" this down as simply as possible, as it varies with each individual and "race".

The Black race you will find have more "dark meat" due to the fact their life style through-out history has been more "laborious" due to their living in the jungle and having been through slavery etc. This life style has given them more muscle hence the dark meat and it makes them better "basketball players".

The white race having lived a less laborious life style will have "dark meat" in their muscle, but more white meat where there is no muscle.

"CM" put it quite simply..... when you dissect a "chicken" the Breast does no work hence no muscle hence "white meat". The legs work all the time hence "muscle" hence "dark meat".

Now "age", & "obesity" can play a part in the variance of the above....Hope these "caveats" will help with your problems on this subject.  Kindest Regards, CD

You can now see why Velcro thinks of this man as a super hero...saving all of mankind (or at least him) from me and my busy wayward mind.  He definitely needs a cape.