Sunday, November 20, 2011

Through It All

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

My puppy's birthday was this week.  He turned 11.  We made a big deal out of it with new toys and doggie snacks and I sang to him more than once.  It scares me that I know I have less time left than I've already had with him.  I can't even begin to figure out where the last 11 years have gone. Through 8 moves, one husband, death, losing 2 jobs, losing myself, finding myself then finding the guy I love, he's been the only one that's truly been beside me through it all.  I've cried countless tears into his fur and he's never once told.  Sometimes I feel like I've taken it all for idea that none of it will ever run out. Like I should have been paying more attention to the stuff that really mattered.  This past year has made me slow down and really live every minute and I realize that absolutely nothing is a given.  Life changes.  I'm working on taking things differently.  The protective emotional concrete barrier that I'm so used to throwing up has been removed.  I somethings feel sandwiched between extreme relief and vomiting vulnerability. I intend to never take any of it for granted again.  So when Roger feels like swimming in the cold ass ocean on his birthday, then that's what he gets to do... even if he requires I go at least knee deep beside him. 

 Last Sunday was a first. Late breakfast or early brunch was stone crabs on the picnic table. Neither of us had ever eaten them before lunch... working on things we've never done before. We shared a beer and a "first" and a memory that only we have. Going to take on the rest of it all...together.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Breath Should I Grow Old

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."

I spent two hours on the motorcycle one warm afternoon this week.  Hypnotic is the only word that comes close to describing. No less than a million thoughts, nothing needed solving...nothing got solved.  I'm breathing a big sigh of okness lately...knowing that life being good is here to stay.

The colder weather has brought out every possible color and style of dog sweater in my neighborhood. The best I saw on a last poopy before bed walk when I was passed by a guy on a skateboard with a pekingese in a red striped "Where's Waldo?" sweater struggling to keep up and not be dragged and rolled into a candy cane. As much as I was convinced a few weeks back that 60 degrees was as cold of weather as I could ever be exposed to...ever again, there are few beach walks sans sweatshirts and I've actually worn real shoes long enough to realize I will live.  Not a fan of the season change but it sure does work for clearing off the beach...the upside of having to zip the jeep windows back in.  For the last two days I can count on my fingers the number of people me and Roger have encountered on our walks. It affords me my crazy time of talking to the dog about the world as I see it, even when he's more interested in sniffing and not having to worry if an Ohio tourist is ease dropping.  I've always been a bit of a hermit and have a capacity limit when it comes to how many people I can have close in my life. I'm no good at giving a tiny bit of my attention...I'm currently all in and I just don't have the need or where-with-all to keep up with lots of people or a heavy social calendar.  Me saying heavy social calendar is only funnier if you know me. 

Oooohh there's another reason for my cold weather whinings to stop... Stone crab season is back!! 

How in the hell I managed to circle the sun so many times with no knowledge of the stone crab I will never understand.  It has been my crush love since my Florida trip last January.  Velcro promised me that I would never have to crack my own crabs...and I haven't.  This was our lunch on a Wednesday...I'm sure it's what everybody eats mid day mid week.  I need someone to tell me how life gets any better than this. 

I am in a really good place and the one that my mind goes to when it wanders is there with me. It feels like some kind of a ride, but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


"Never chase love, affection or attention.  If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.  The simple things in life should be effortless."

Sometimes you just realize something that is right in front of you all along.  I have less time to go than I've already spent in this human suit.  I had a girly doctor visit last week  Same paperwork as every year before.  Of course they make you spend forever filling it out and then they basically sit there and read it back to you.  High tech...pretty sure I could have done this job too if I didn't mind the close proximity to hoo hahs.  "So, any children?" (Even though it is clearly marked, Children 0 - Pregnancies 0) "No."   "Ever?"  As if I may have forgotten about one, on the paperwork and during my interrogation.  "Um...nope."  "Why? Did you never want any?"  I know that I am considered a failure by all female standards.  And that in that very simple 2 letter answer I am judged more harshly than for probably anything else.  Obviously something isn't right...that I'm not wired right and that I will never understand love.  I am the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to love your own child...I never will.  I'm content with that, I don't have a big empty hole of regret.  But I do know what it is to love and to want happy every days.  The world is chocked full of people who have never met me but will be the first in line to tell you what I will do and what to expect out of "my kind".  I guess I really wish that I wasn't so misunderstood .  I like that Velcro sees through me as if I were made of glass. It makes me breathe easier knowing that at least one person sees me for what I am....and likes me for it. 

The good part is the rest of this trip we call's going to be spent living and being happy...not the struggling to figure shit that have marked so many of my years until now. Life continues happening all around you...whether you slow down to live it or drown in a puddle of wishing for something different.  We wind up where we are by fate...the cards in our hand are the only ones we have to play.  There is no pause rewind.  Wrap your arms around the life you have and live it like you want. The world has preconditioned us to think that happy is's not.

"When the pony, he comes riding by, you better sit your sweet ass on it." Zac Brown