Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Drag Queens and Unanswered Questions

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." -Tyler Durden

If you don't already know...I have a crush on drag queens...from a distance of course because I'm not into loud expressive people. Or dramatic people...which pretty much eliminates all drag queens.  It started the first time I saw one.  I was a dorky lesbanese looking, badly dressed tourist in South Beach and about 21 years old.  There on a side street outside a club stood the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.  She was in some kind of big Cinderella-ish gown and was about as polar opposite of my tomboy self that one could get.  I realized then that if they are too pretty to be true, they are boys...in South Beach at least.  I love seeing them as guys then what they can transform themselves into.  Hell I can't even manage to cover up my freckles with make up.  All this lead in to say...I am now facebook friends with one of the Key West drag queens!!  From her page I found all the others and can look at their girly dress up pictures and their I'm the guy beside you at the airport with the scruffy beard pictures too.  I found a link to Audience of the Queens.  It's a documentary about the drag queens of Key West.  If you are just now learning that odd documentaries trip my trigger then you don't know me or haven't been paying attention AT ALL.  I am in heaven.  I haven't ordered it yet...only because I am trying to show some restraint.  Plus sometimes I like wanting something...its my self test of just how much I really need it. If I keep wanting it instead of forgetting about it I figure its legit so I don't feel like a damn consumer buying everything in sight.  This same test is applied to flip flops...it is what keeps me from having eleventy hundred pairs.  If I can just get out of the store I forget all about them.  Not so with the drag queen video. 

My life is full of unanswered questions and random observations.  In effort of finding some answers I started writing them down... hoping that maybe someone somewhere has the knowledge base required to quiet my busy little mind. 

- What do squirrel turds look like?  As skiddy as these little guys are, you never see them "accidentally" loose it.  Makes one wonder.

- How much does a cow pee at a time?  Have you ever seen this?  JESUS.  And when do they have time to do anything besides have their head under a spigot? since I'm guessing they have to drink that much for that much to come back out?  Maybe they only pee once a week?  Help me out here.

- Why do I require XL undies? This has recently been revised to LARGE in some brands...but still.  Does the rest of the world just skip them?? Cause I'm kinda on the guppy end of the food chain in the big picture.

- How does a bean sprout grow in my shower drain over night?  Last time I checked I have not eaten in or around my tub.

- How is it possible that I have the exact same dinner plates as Junior Saprono?  And why am I watching that kind of detail on tv...now you know why I skip the cable...it could wear me out.

- Why does the entire world not appreciate the pickled egg?  Or pork skins for that matter?

- Why does a dog fart surprise the dog so much?

Animal nuts trouble me...especially on little fluffy dogs.  There's one in my neighborhood...cute fluffy white from the front...little black nuts swinging from the back. Get them cut off people.  It's not like you are gonna let him car date...and god forbid he actually mounts up on something other than great aunt Sally's leg...you would be freaking out and yelling or dumping cold water on him.  Trust me, not knowing what could have been has to be less frustrating to the little horny cotton ball than having all that obvious manhood and not having anything to do with it. Be considerate.  Not to mention I would be mortified if dog balls where on my couch or worse...my lap.  Its not like they can wear boxers.

With no conscious effort I make up words. I speak in some kind of hybrid language all of my own.  The weird part is I use the words all the time and don't really draw attention or get questioned.  I asked Velcro recently if he could peg my new word that I've been using...he couldn't.  In context they blend perfectly and its just a given to what they mean and so they go unnoticed.   When I say them by them self... not so much. My most recent is ganked. Which I had to define and use in a sentence after announcing it to him like I was in a spelling bee.   I also can use the word jack in at least 5 different contexts. I am an amazing master of the english language yo.  Pretty sure he never really knows what to expect from me.

I read on the internet that Fight Club was released in theaters 12 years ago this week.  If you don't agree that this is one of the best movies ever made then I'm going to have to stop hanging out with you...because you smoke crack.  I've never read the book that it was based on so I'm not sure if the genius was the author or if it was the one who adapted it for screen.  If you take away the living in an abandon house and fighting and blowing shit up you are left with an amazing philosophy of life. 
"You're not your job.  You're not how much money you have in the bank.  You're not the car that you drive.  You're not the contents of your wallet.  You're not your fucking khakis."

"We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.  Fuck Martha Stewart.  Martha's polishing brass on the Titanic.  It's all going down.  So fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns.  I say never be complete.  I say stop being perfect.  I say lets evolve...let the chips fall where they may."

"An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables...slaves with white collars.  Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes.  Working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need."

"The things you own end up owning you."