Tuesday, June 17, 2008


The Greenhorn Girl is pissed. 3 of our crabpots got jacked. Not just pirated - Jacked. (This is in case you were wondering my own badass crab lingo. Pirated = some jackass stole our crabs. Jacked = Some jackass stole the whole damn pot) Mr. Man has more faith in humanity and believes that they are just underwater. The tides were crazy high from some odd planetary alignment. Meanwhile only the tide will tell....

The day was spent on water, all of it. Mr. Man took me out in the little boat before lunch and we putzed up rivers and backways and pissed off the depth finder more than a few times. I made a very failed attempt of leaning over the side to catch jelly balls. Jelly balls are the non stinging version of jelly fish....except the ones that I was trying to catch were the ones I've always ran screaming like a girl from. (Not really...cause not much makes me do that, but I've always thought they would jack you up. Note another way to use the word jack). I guess they can see or something because they were all over the surface but when I leaned over and put my hands in they would dive down. I grazed a couple of them...they are hard and slimy...not easy to get a hold of. The satelite radio and cooler were drug up on the beach and sat around wondering what the poor people were doing. We figured out how to share ration beer when we got to the scary bottom of the cooler land and I danced my first waste deep in water dance to Lucky Stars.

A beer run, shower and boat swap later.....We anchored up with the new beer supply, rum for the girl and a Buffett live in Philly concert. Apparently a few parrotheads in the lawn seats had sinned and lightening kept striking too close to the crowd so the concert was on slight delay. The timing wound up being perfect. Right at dark we had a very mistaken snake on board episode that still has me snorting....somehow I was the only one who really found much humor in it. To spare myself an asskicking, I will spare you the details. But we pulled anchor to go retrieve what had managed to go over board during the no snake scare. We turned what is normally a 20 some minute boat ride into 2 hours of singing out loud, dancing and partaking of the grape. And some where in there we had "The" conversation....we declared a fart truce. To never, except in the rare occassion that our head actually blew off first, ever fart in each others presence. I officially have safe harbor from the dutch oven.

I've got a roof over my head. Someone to love me in a 4 poster bed. I can play this here guitar. Gotta thank my lucky stars.

Sex and The Lettuce Wedge...

So the other weekend Nan and I ventured for girls movie night to see Sex and The City. We were sitting at the bar having dinner and had "I spied" an awkward first date. The chick looked to be in her early 50's and the dinner date appeared to be knocking on 80's door. (Today's pharmaceuticals have really put a lot of folks back on the scene apparently.) They had their drinks and ordered then chicky disappears, we assumed to the bathroom. The dinner came and he sat and looked at it....and looked at it....and looked at it...then started poking at it and looking around. Somewhere around the second looked at it I commented that obviously she went to poo...by the time he started poking at his lettuce wedge we were convinced that she had bolted. I guess he finally figured the hell with it and ate his wedge. I had to make a toliet run to see if she was in fact hunkered up in there with a big elvis poopie or what. Nope...not there and her purse was still on the back of the chair so she had in fact not pulled the exit stage left. Now bear in mind dudero had probably already popped the earlier mentioned pharmaceuticals (and they obviously have a similar side effect to pot and cause a perma-grin) and he was scouting out his options. We had already caught way too many full denture grins ourselves and had decided that the no eye contact was the safest route. Right when we were leaving date chicky drops back in from out of the sky...we never did figure where the hell she went to make the "give me 5 mins and call with an emergency" call but I'd be more than willing to bet that he was left with more than a lettuce wedge to contend with on his on that night...

There was an absolute cutie at the quicky mart...sitting in the car with an absolute cutie dog on his lap hanging out the window. Cute dog = Chick magnet...i point this out to Nanner when she got in the car. About that time his magnetized chick came out to get in the car. Dude...the dog ate her bra. Way cutie girl...with way funky knobbly little boobs and a gray wife beater. We giggled and snorted at my "I didn't even know I was going to say it" comment and decided not only did she have freaky boobs but somewhere under that skirt was huge set of kahunas to pull that look in public. Hats off to ya Ms Weird Tits!

One well concealed flask & a jumbo diet coke to share and I was feeling like I had pulled one over on the man. We are such amateurs. Taco Bell hookers beside us sat down and pulled out BURRITOS! Not little bitty burritos....BIG freaking burritos. Whatever...I had a buzz....F- a burrito.

The girl flick turned out to be pretty good. It made me realize that we all tend to get lost in relationships...our personalities and dreams and everything that makes you who you are on your own. When it all boils down, we have to remain true to ourselves. Otherwise you just wind up pissed off that you compromised away everything that made you unique. I actually remember where I was when I said that exact line to Mr X...we were having a slightly crispy conversation about someone else....he said "well people change" and I said "its different when you compromise away everything that ever made you unique". As soon as it came out of my mouth it hit me like a ton of bricks....the conversation had just taken a shift from the other person to me....not to mention it was over. Not just the conversation...there was a fork in the road.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Greenhorn Girl

HOOTY HOO!! I am the CRAB MASTER! Well, at least in my own mind. Last weekend Mr. Man took me crabbing for the first time in girl's life. OMG I loved it....and you can drink all the beer you want and still not screw anything up. I learned to tie knots and rig pots and I got to bait them with fish guts and turkey necks and all kinds of gross goey stinky stuff. The next morning we got up @ the ass crack of dawn and went to check pots...dude we had all kinds of crabs. It was awesome....I wore little yellow fishing overalls and got dirty as hell. My inner tomboy came raging to the surface and there was absolutely no hiding it. Mr. Man said that he had never seen me so in my element...I figure I looked a lot like a tall grinning version of Opie with a pony tail.

Here's a little something that I didn't know....you clean the crabs while they are still alive....UUUGGGHHKK...that freaked me out for the first couple but then I figured I shouldn't be hypocritical and want to eat every crab cake that comes within a 10mile radius of me if I wasn't willing to accept how they come about. So I bucked up and I now can break off pinchers, remove a back shell and fling out guts like nobody's bidness. Sexy huh?

So speaking of crabs....my dog has his own little version of the critters. I officially suck as a dog mom. I am sooo pissed. I pay out the ass for those stupid little squeezy things from the vet that you put on their back. And I keep up with it...always keep the dates we (me & dog)put them on written on the box. 5/5....and somewhere Memorial weekend little dog man starts scratching so I put another on him. Hell no too late... full outbreak of the dog crabs. Dude I am not digging this. 2 home flea dips later we seem to have it under control except that he's all OCD now and licks and nibbles all over himself even tho there's not a single sign of the dog crabs anymore. I suck.

So, the night before the earlier mentioned gut flinging we were out at about sunset putting the pots in and we had plenty of beer and a cooperating tide so he decided to show me the back way to the old inlet...you gotta know which way to go or you could manage the need to carry your boat back to water or run out of beer waiting for the next high tide, neither of which are cool. We were right out where the inlet is or was... and I turned and guess what I saw.... my old house....you could see it from way out there. Guess I never really realized how big it was. And right then it hit me, I don't miss any of that old life...even the stuff that I was so scared to let go of. It seems more like a dream than anything, not somewhere that I ever was. And you know what....I wouldn't give up a single thing that I have for one minute to have any part of that life back....except the dog crabs...we could let those go.