Just realized that today is my anniversary. If I'd have stayed married to the porn addicted, high lighted hair metro sexual it would have been 7 years...add that to the 4 we spent "dating" and it adds up to what could have been a whole bunch of wasted life. Pretty awesomely happy that one didn't work out. Narrowly escaped domestic captivity.
Where I live the average age is supposed to be something like 42 ish. I find this ragingly hard to believe since everywhere I turn...the beach, gym, work...it looks like K&W spontaneously combusted and spewed old people all over the place. Unless there are a whole damn bunch of 5 year olds I'm just not seeing the law of average landing us in the low 40's. As I was working out and trying to ignore the geriatrics scattered all over the gym looking like my living room floor with the stuffing out of the dogs toys...I pondered...What if these are really just human turtles? They have that pace and the head turn thing and all. Maybe they are really like 250 years old like the tortoises on Animal Planet. Except for one guy that looks like Rocky's trainer Mickey, just a little quicker. He's always doing little darty boxer feet and dancing around people in there. He did it to me today. One of the real turtle look-a-likes has the ankle hang upside down thingys. He may top out at about 110 pounds but his toupee of questionable fur origin accounts for at least 5 pounds of that. I have no idea how he keeps it from falling off while he dangles upside down. Holy shit ya'll I live in a terrarium. Factor in today's pharmaceuticals and they are all getting laid.
The face book is pretty amazing sometimes. I just found all of the kids that I went to 7th & 8th grade with. Those were super tough years for me and the first time my inner rebel reeaaallly started to develop. Kinda like tits but way feistier. I lived in a really poor county with only one public junior high and high school. The red headed freckled white girl was a major minority and an endangered one at that. So the parents moved me into a private christian school. Cue the music...this is were the shit headed down hill. Hind sight says I should have taken a white girl ass beatin' and lived a normal life. I immediately fail Bible class because all they wanted you to do was memorize chapters at a time. Now if you know me you probably know that this poses absolutely no challenge. I can memorize and test like a full out sum bitch...if I am so inclined. I was in the beginning stages of my now full blown "I don't fucking think so" disease. So needless to say I were no so inclined. And it just pissed me to no end that the others were playing sheep and doing it.. There was chapel...best I can recall 2 days a week. 2 days a week that you got out of class, which should have been a good thing. and herded into church where they talked about people they saw die very gross and descriptive mangled car wreck deaths and then burn in hell. Sigh. This actually worked on most of them and they would pile up at the altar to pledge their souls and virginity and first born or whatever. They had bizarre rules. We wore dresses and our knees could not show....cause you know the knee is a crazy seductive thing. All the sports and PE were played in below the knee koolots. The boys and the girls were not allowed to be within 6 inches of each other. The "6inch Rule". I wonder if the average junk size of the average male played into the choosing of distance? Even if we were jammed in at the lunch tables there must be space...I think I actually remember a ruler being carried around. Note-this may be where my stand offish to touching nature originated. I'm not sure when I fell off the church wagon but it no doubt started somewhere around here. Of the ones I found...every single one of them have a plethora of children...all thank god somewhere in their profiles and are my mothers absolute dream family. I am the one and only of them all to suck severely at marriage...refuse to procreate and sit full on across the page as an agnostic. My poor mother...she did all she could. I don't think that the down the throat shoving of religion made me like I am. I'm sure I would still believe like I believe. It is after all pretty much all made up by me. But that old soul part of me knows its right...for me. It appears to have taken on all the others. One causality isn't so bad I guess. Makes me think of a Buffett line "I was force fed my religion but some how saved my smile."
I have a new insurance guy. Since I've ventured past the state line I've had to change out basically all my policies...pain. in. the. ass. This new guy has worn me out. The consensus is that he's sniffin and just wants to get an eye on me and see what I look like. He's made about 3 attempts. I got the application for my Jeep policy and under occupation it said Blue Collar. BLUE-FUCKING-COLLAR. I bartend. That's service industry. How does this mange to rate blue collar?? I kiss blue collar ass all summer in hopes of a 5 spot. So I fill it all out and sign the 45 frickin required places. Circle Blue Collar and write "wow...really" and mail it in. To which I get another call (btw at this point he just says "hey" and starts talking...we've already interacted that much). It was blamed on an antiquated system and lack of career choices. Welcome to my world. I told Velcro that Goober Punch had called again...he actually guessed who I was talking about. No idea where the name came from but I've laughed every time I've said it. I am such an easy date.
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