3 Years

There are a couple of things that I've relearned or just noticed about having a cat around again.  First off their poo frickin stinks...like way worse that people poo.  Cause people can courtesy flush and/or spray poo spray or close the door and tell you not to go in there...cats, not so much.  And if you brush them and make them super comfortable and happy...they will fart on you.  Guess that sort of goes the same for men (current excluded).  The last thing I can't believe I've never picked up on before.  Cats do not have a reverse.  I can even say to Roger "back back back" and he will hit the entire surroundings camera and back it right on up. (For some reason I give commands to him in 3's...no no no...comeon comeon comeon.  They all come out in 3's for some unexplained reason.)  But the cat...forget it.  The dog is reversing and her answer is to hit in warp drive and dart directly into oncoming traffic (me). Think she does it just to fuck with me...same with leaving the turds uncovered.  Just her way of getting back at me for abandonment.

Other noteworthy info...the microwave situation has been handled by one ubber resourceful Velcro.  The resourcefulness didn't involve a Walmart receipt or it would have forfeited its title.  Anyone can go buy one and the buying of one would have been a put off.  I played my crazy card in the Food Lion produce department when I caught my self say out loud "Ooo yaaayy potato!  I have a microwave now!" This was before any alcohol consumption.  In my defense I'm pretty sure the time of day I go to the store there are lots of people in there talking to themselves. 

Three years ago tonight I balled my eyes out by myself....alone in my parents house.  I came to terms with it and no one could understand how I went through the next several days stone faced and even keeled.  How I stood and watched my mom wail and cry and hug a lifeless body with calm emotionless detachment. How I managed to make the guys at the funeral home laugh and maybe see death a little differently that time.  I've been trying hard over the past week or so to not relive it, not to see it or smell it like it was yesterday.  It's not that life doesn't kick me in the balls...more times than I'd like to admit.  It's just that I deal with it in my own time and don't put it out there to be seen.  Time is an amazing healer.  I've flipped my world upside down and backwards since then mainly in response to seeing how I don't want my life to play out...short lived and just shy of living that everyday happiness.

Today I rode my bike and shared my beach chair with a guy that I'm crazy about.  I walked at sunset in cold tidal pools with my furry best friend. I grilled a little steak just for me and shared it with that same furry guy. I have no idea where I belong in this world and that's sometimes a lost lonely feeling.  But when you don't look at it on such a big scale it makes it manageable.  I feel so loved today and that's all that really counts.  As long as today is good and tomorrow today is good then the next day doesn't matter so much.  I don't know where I'm headed but I know where I've been has been exactly where I needed to be.  No regrets...no second thoughts.  I'm holding the hand that's meant to be holding mine.  I'm not leaning on...just walking beside and loving sharing my life.  Velcro brought me flowers today because he knew that 3 years ago I watched death win...and it meant more than I can even begin to wrap words around.  Life is rough and tumble and sometimes you get sand skunt knees and saltwater all up your nose but its what makes life worth living.