Bullshit digital photography has ruined my life. An out loud proclamation after finding and pilfering through my old black and white film albums. Somewhere over the last several years of everydays I've desensitized. Whether it be out of necessity or self preservation or involuntary reaction to keep on even keel, I really don't have a clue, but I've lost my passion. Passion for things that actually register feelings. People joke about me being a guy emotionally...in actuality I'm some where between that and an emotional concrete wall. Pretty much nothing creates a ripple. So as I was looking through the black and white past, I felt something. Looking back at me where people being rawly who they were. I could almost see their souls. No cheesy posing camera smiles. If it wasn't captured on paper you would never have known there had been a camera present.
I've lost my way...but I'm close behind. Its a song lyric that's been stuck in my head. I feel like I'm missing something. That portion of me that's always the first to get gone. The portion of me that makes me different. That part that still feels like a rebellious kid even though its fully aware that it's some how gotten trapped inside a 37 year old body. The need for purpose is weighing heavy on me. I need something of me back. I remember sitting on the beach more than 10 years ago thinking almost the exact same thoughts as today. The What Now side of brain is still screaming at me. I think at this point I can honestly admit that I doubt I'll ever stop asking What Now? Doesn't speak much to progress but at least I'm consistent in my own fucked up way. I drug my real camera out of hiding, enough with the stupid point and shoots and fucking camera phones. I've started seeing things through a camera eye again and the moon on the waterway was amazing last night.
I'm off to find a ripple.
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