Last week on the beach I tried writing something for Daddy. It started off as a letter of unanswered questions. I got one written and for the life of me couldn't come up with another. Then yesterday I got a magazine in the mail and immediately opened it up and ripped all those little sewn in postcard thingys out of it. Its the first thing I do every single time, and I realized where I got it from. Him. So I started writing down everything that I got from him. I have his thumbs, I think it was the first thing they checked when I was born...I never noticed how strikingly the same our hands looked until he was sick and his hands were more the size of mine. I have his dimples and even though our smiles are different we both smile and make fun and dork off most of the time. I drag my right heel when I walk...same way he did. I have the same nervous energy that refuses me the ability to sit still and not at least pick my nails constantly. He had an eye for pictures and was always in the yard in spring trying to catch the humming birds on his zinnias. I got his sense of money and his way of making what you have be all that you need and still save some. I have the forehead crinkle, that before I figured out where it came from almost had it botoxed out. Apparently our brains are wired similarly because only a fraction of what happens in here makes out to words and sometimes they come out as complete flying non-sequeters that no one around can figure exactly how the randomness relates to whatever is going on. I always thought that he lived inside head. He would talk for my stuffed animals when I was little...I think he gave Beaver his voice, I take full responsibility for it attitude and language. Belief in the unbelievable...as far apart as we were in what unbelievables we believed I think the blind trust in something more than what can be seen came from him.
I don't want to disillusion and make it seem that me and Daddy were super close or inseparable...that was more his relationship with my Mom. But an awful lot of who I am is a direct undeniable line to him. He was an emotional man and had no proudness when it came to expressing feelings and crying in front of anyone, as you well know I did not get this trait...but I cry as I write this.
Probably the most important thing that he taught me came in his early exit of stage left. He taught me not to wait to buy a bicycle, not to wait to move to where you want to be, not to wait, or chance, or regret not doing anything. He taught me that we don't have tomorrow to live...all we have is Now.
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