Playing Along

So from some of the blogs I read I've found all the bloggy types are doing this Photo of the Day Challenge.  There's a list of daily ideas to I guess inspire me to take pictures of something other than my dog.  I'm sure there are unwritten rules about only one picture a day or to actually take pictures of whats on the list but I've never been much on rules and I don't intend to start conforming now. 

Day 1 - View of today.  I had several that I took yesterday without knowing about this so here are a few. (notice the already breaking of the rules)

These were both taken at the very end of Cherry Grove Beach called the point, with coffee in hand and Roger dog on leash. 

Took this one while I sat on the bike waiting to meet up Velcro for our ride to lunch.   
Day 2 - Words

This is a shot of my journal...and my scribblings that haven't turned into anything fit for others to read...yet.

Velcro & Sparky Go South

"The first step to getting where you want to be is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." J. Piermont Morgan

10:15 am and South bound in a rented minivan with a bumpy rear tire, the warm weather already causing us to shed the layers the morning cold had at home had required. We managed to not miss the turnpike exit this round and in no time were having grilled hog fish and the guaranteed coldest beer in Key Largo.  You could almost hear the sigh of relief from the islands that we had gotten there.  Important things first, we found a liquor store, a Styrofoam cooler,  a bottle opener and our temporary home at the Breezy Palms.  An old original Keys resort painted coral and set on the ocean side of the island with lounge chairs scattered around below the palms.  I pointed and said "Pretty", my one word sentence that would be repeated no less than a 1000 times over, always accompanied by the point. Docks and boat slips fronted the ocean and black ducks and pelican pooped from the pylons causing more than a few questions from me.  We sat in the sun with our tiny drinks and our white legs watching horny iguanas chest bump and chase in hopes of winning the affection of one large, very uninterested looking girl lizard.  Speaking of girl, I kept my feet up and out of the way since the big 4 foot orange guy clearly was not intimidated by anything.  I found no need to try to prove myself by possibly having to wrestle something that had managed to last from prehistoric times.  This humored Velcro.  Unlike the last trip when we skidded sideways into the parking lot as the sun dropped out of site, we made it to Loreli in plenty of time to see the sunset. We listened to the dread locked sax player (who should have no trouble getting laid) play as the sun went down.

The following morning, surprised by the creamer selection, we took our coffee down by the water and watched the birds poop some more.  While we laid in the sun finally shedding our look of pale tourists I saw the first real smile of vacation on his face.  That day $6 paid for our entire day of food consumption, cheeseburgers and fries on the deck at Loreli.  After almost a year of waiting to see the Barstool Sailor we got our chance. He was playing outback at the Outback.  With the Atlantic and night sky behind him he sang us the best version of Wagon Wheel that we've heard and had some random knowledge of the writing of it that escapes me now.  He didn't look exactly as we had pictured but was exactly the laid back groovy island singer we anticipated.

Richer by bigger coffee cups and key lime whipped vodka we faced another day of the island.  The Wingman and his girl joined us and we had beer and grouper sandwiches on the back deck at the old Holiday Isle. So warm that beers had to be shared to keep them cold.  Wingman took quite a liking to the key lime vodka and soon true to form was making friends by the pool with Larry from somewhere in Oregon.  He had just lost the mayoral race in some rainy northwestern town and was looking for the same yet different escape that we were.  As much as I would have loved to have done a repeat of the full moon party, it wasn't in the cards.  Velcro's Key West Capt buddy and his crazy cool  Missouri transplant chick met us at Morada Bay.  Barstool Sailor sang in the background as Wingman demonstrated how to knee walk drunk while proclaiming horniness to the horror of his girl and the entertainment to the rest of us.

In the morning we packed up, clothes already not fitting back in the suitcase, we were taking on the look of traveling drinking gypsies...not a bad thing to be.  A GPS guided tour through Stock Island's finest trailer park landed us at one of our coolest finds of all time.  Hogfish Bar is all open air and rustic, sitting on the edge of the marina.  It's a fend for yourself park on the side of the road kind of place.  Their logo is "A great place if  you can find it".  We shared a cuban mix sandwich that was  the size of my head even after being cut in half.  There was an old autographed Buffett album framed on the wall, matted in with it was a poem written by a guy gone by several years.  I can't remember it all but it talked about having a group of close friends growing up and how the changes of life take people down different paths and away from each other.  The last of it though said "In the end there were just two.  It was good to have a friend."

While wandering the streets of Key West in search of more limes and a Florida avocado for me, we came across a cool little book store with local authored books and books with drag queen before and afters. I'm now reading Life Lessons of a Legend, about Capt. Tony.  Happy hour at Conch Republic with buy one get one drinks led us to a sketchedly remembered night of about 4000 drinks, some nachos that quite possibly saved our lives...mojitos at Louie's Back Yard ( that's not owned by Louie anymore), miles of staggering, a mop shop and a tumble and head grab but not down the stairs of the Garden of Eden...small miracles.  Just that little bit took time and collaboration to piece back together.  The next morning we did granola at Pepe's and the sun and not much else.  Lobster BLT with fried green tomatoes was lunch from our second trip to Hogfish.  No GPS required to get to the now probably favorite southernmost dive.  

Sunset celebration at Mallory Square has changed a lot.  All of the street people with trained alley cats jumping through flaming rings are gone and have been replaced by 20 some year old knife throwers and the sort.  Makes you wonder if they died out or were ran off in hopes of making the cruise ship tourists feel more safe.  I miss the sketchiness of it, the doing what has to be done to get by.  We left the crowd at Mallory square and steered clear of Duval and wandered into Two Friends to take advantage of the waining of happy hour. Somehow we managed free philly sandwiches by sitting amongst the locals.  But as you know, there is no free lunch. We were beside "that guy".  A loud recent yankee transplant retiree who was wearing a ball cap with the little helicopter thing on top with flashing led coasters and a matching shirt to his wife that said "Don't Matter".  He was telling the story of getting kicked off the street during Fantasy Fest for wearing just a thong and his buddy going to the bathroom  and bringing him back his used whitey tighty's so that he could stay to party on...oh my.  A sex store walk through laughing more than we should and the LSU/Bama game in the bar that you needed to bring your own date to ...managed to not get blind drunk and no one fell down...we were improving. 

Back up to Marathon the next day still taking advice from the Yelp app, we found 2 more bars tucked in behind another trailer park.  Bovine's sign was an old boat laying cocked up on it side with the name painted on it with an arrow to guide you around the trailers.  We ate fish sandwiches and stone crab soup on the upstairs deck then stopped back by Castaways for a drink (it was about halfway back tucked back on a canal, hidden in the same trailer park).  The bartender was a friendly hippie type that you could tell had aged zen happy in the Keys life.  He told us about a place we could get stone crabs for a buck and a quarter a piece...needless to say that went on our list.  Piled up by the pool with our bootlegged liquor, we wondered why we were the only ones taking advantage of this big huge lush pool.  And then 3 o'clock came...the strange ugly old people descended on the pool.  The 5 minute kitchen timer guy with a big white beard and a tiny little boy shorts and every other variety of strange tourist possible...it was time to head out.  Right at the base of the Seven Mile Bridge was Sunset Grill, a big thatched roof place that from the road appeared very touristy but we decided to check it out.  There was an open air second story bar over looking the pool (all lit up with changing colors) and deck and boat docks with the bridge in the back drop.  On the deck level was more of a tiki bar and we drank key lime drinks and watched little dark haired girls practice being mermaids in the pool.

I had been directed to the Key's Fisheries and insisted to try the  lobster reuben that they are famous for.  They are Florida's largest supplier of stone crabs and the crab boats were running non stop bringing my little version of happy to the docks.  When you order they give you a little card so you can guess the number of reubens they sell that month.  According to the tracker board this biggest month was almost 3100.  But all of this is slightly out of your reach if you work for Delta...or so says the sign on the front of the building.  We didn't ask.

The Hook Line & Drinker bar sits right beside but doesn't open until later so we let the reuben digest a while before heading back to eat our fill of the $1.25 stone crabs.  Heaven.  The guy cracking them had the neatest little cracking contraption with a metal arm on a lever...slightly more efficient than our hammer technique.  Whoever owns this place is all about the signs.  Above the bar hangs one NO TV's...NO KIDS...NO BUTTER.  That sign actually said "Don't Ask", so we didn't.  Back to the bar beside the bridge but the weather and 30 mile an hour winds had the roll ups rolled down.  We decided we would brave the bearded man in speedos and try out the hot tub instead.  No bearded man there and we used our better judgement and didn't add Mr Bubble to the hot tub. 

Headed north out of the Keys we contemplated a goat cheese omelet in Islamorada but opted instead for the 13 oz burger at Le Tub's in Hollywood.  Found a tiny dive motel a block off the beach and thanks to the wonder of the smart phone were able to figure out the trolley system to get us down town.  After drinks and nachos at Whiskey Tango we wound up on the boardwalk listening to a Darius Rucker look a like sing with along side a pretty afro'd girl.  The next morning we abandoned our little red mini van and spent the day with the Wingman and his girl in Ft Lauderdale.  Bloody Mary's on the boulevard, grouper reubens at Bahia Cabana, drinks at Shooters and another bar that I can't name and an awesome pizza at Anthony's.

No better time could have been had...no better person could have been with me.  And I fell in love...just like last time.

This Year

I'm not so much on resolutions and if I were to put what I "plan to do" in print it would only be proof to solidify opinion that I fly by the seat of my intuitive pants.  I am, however, reflective and have been trying more and more to hang on to and remember the little moments.  They are the essence of life.

This year I moved twice, found out that I still feel like I have too much shit and the hind sight of squatting in my Daddy's single wide paradise feels more like comfort than the desperate that it felt at the time.

This year I discovered Whip Cream vodka.

I learned I can live without cable, 10 months and counting (I did score an antenna).

I ate stone crabs but never had to crack them. 

Sported a sunburn in January.

I broke a lease and a heart.

Got on the back of a motorcycle and held on.

Painted my kitchen red.

Turned myself into a Blonde.

Made the single best spontaneous decision of my life...

Went flounder fishing for the first time, and figured out I'm a better at toad fish fishing.

Got surprised on my birthday.  Got surprised a lot.

Went to my first bike rally and ate my first lobster roll.

Consumed the majority of my calories from alcohol.

Let go of the security of an extra car.

Rediscovered pork skins.

Bought a Harley.

Went by myself and got a new tattoo.

Found out good people some times find themselves at the wrong place and end up in prison. 

Read The Secret again...and it changed my prospective again.

Wrote more than I have any other year.

Had countless hours of therapy by the ocean.

Took one of the best pictures I've ever taken.

Laughed more than I can remember.  Smiled more than a girl should.  Cried more than I wanted to.

Learned the love and patience of sweet talking to the dog even when you are cleaning the squirty poops out of his tail hair.  When the intestinal fungi made him not so much of a fun guy.

Took down the wall and loved someone more than I knew possible.

Not so much was accomplished and I'm sure I will keep thinking of things that I should have added to my list but I'm happy and you can't really ask for more than that.  Paint your days as you like, we don't have for-fucking-ever. Tonight is our first New Years together...I plan on staying up because at 12:01 the best year of our lives is going to begin.  And I. CAN'T. WAIT.

A Look Inside

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today."

Have you ever eaten Burger King alone in your car on Thanksgiving?  Have you ever wandered the isles of Blockbuster on Christmas day or driven around with the dog?  No?  Then you will never know what its been like to be me.  I know that the statute of limitations is long since expired for blaming my relationship with my mother for anything.  But I have to still be aware that it was and is instrumental in how I tackle life and for what I want from other people.  I've never felt the all enduring love and forever proud of you and I want you happy no matter what that I see in others parents.  Last week I took a few blows below the belt from her disguised as always with concern and martyrism.  As much as I truly don't care, it still spins around in my head for days.  The hardest part is that I never see it coming, I don't know whether to expect the easy what's going on in my life update or to brace for hearing how much I wasted my potential and the hurt that I inflict on her with my daily decisions. Over the course of the last twenty some years I've built up quite the defense system and the Great Oz has lost the ability to come out from behind the curtain. 

What this leads to is what I've always wanted.  I want quick answers to dumb questions.  I want to laugh unexpectedly and a lot.  I want someone that doesn't mind that I can sometimes completely shock and embarrass grown men with things that I say.  I want some one that can handle me even when I'm a mess. I want someone that's ok with me being an over sized kid and wanting too many bubble baths.  I want someone to protect me even though I don't need it. I want my random sporadic mind to be appreciated for just what it is.  I want someone that reminds me to finish the sentence that I started and stopped.  I want someone that knows when I start getting off track and reels me back in.  I want someone to love like crazy. I want someone to hold me when I cry and not think I'm a girl for doing it. I want someone to be proud that I am theirs. All I've ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally.  For the first time someone has made me feel that.

Through It All

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."


My puppy's birthday was this week.  He turned 11.  We made a big deal out of it with new toys and doggie snacks and I sang to him more than once.  It scares me that I know I have less time left than I've already had with him.  I can't even begin to figure out where the last 11 years have gone. Through 8 moves, one husband, death, losing 2 jobs, losing myself, finding myself then finding the guy I love, he's been the only one that's truly been beside me through it all.  I've cried countless tears into his fur and he's never once told.  Sometimes I feel like I've taken it all for granted...Roger...life...time....the idea that none of it will ever run out. Like I should have been paying more attention to the stuff that really mattered.  This past year has made me slow down and really live every minute and I realize that absolutely nothing is a given.  Life changes.  I'm working on taking things differently.  The protective emotional concrete barrier that I'm so used to throwing up has been removed.  I somethings feel sandwiched between extreme relief and vomiting vulnerability. I intend to never take any of it for granted again.  So when Roger feels like swimming in the cold ass ocean on his birthday, then that's what he gets to do... even if he requires I go at least knee deep beside him. 

 Last Sunday was a first. Late breakfast or early brunch was stone crabs on the picnic table. Neither of us had ever eaten them before lunch... working on things we've never done before. We shared a beer and a "first" and a memory that only we have. Going to take on the rest of it all...together.

My Breath Should I Grow Old

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."

I spent two hours on the motorcycle one warm afternoon this week.  Hypnotic is the only word that comes close to describing. No less than a million thoughts, nothing needed solving...nothing got solved.  I'm breathing a big sigh of okness lately...knowing that life being good is here to stay.

The colder weather has brought out every possible color and style of dog sweater in my neighborhood. The best I saw on a last poopy before bed walk when I was passed by a guy on a skateboard with a pekingese in a red striped "Where's Waldo?" sweater struggling to keep up and not be dragged and rolled into a candy cane. As much as I was convinced a few weeks back that 60 degrees was as cold of weather as I could ever be exposed to...ever again, there are few beach walks sans sweatshirts and I've actually worn real shoes long enough to realize I will live.  Not a fan of the season change but it sure does work for clearing off the beach...the upside of having to zip the jeep windows back in.  For the last two days I can count on my fingers the number of people me and Roger have encountered on our walks. It affords me my crazy time of talking to the dog about the world as I see it, even when he's more interested in sniffing and not having to worry if an Ohio tourist is ease dropping.  I've always been a bit of a hermit and have a capacity limit when it comes to how many people I can have close in my life. I'm no good at giving a tiny bit of my attention...I'm currently all in and I just don't have the need or where-with-all to keep up with lots of people or a heavy social calendar.  Me saying heavy social calendar is only funnier if you know me. 

Oooohh there's another reason for my cold weather whinings to stop... Stone crab season is back!! 

How in the hell I managed to circle the sun so many times with no knowledge of the stone crab I will never understand.  It has been my crush love since my Florida trip last January.  Velcro promised me that I would never have to crack my own crabs...and I haven't.  This was our lunch on a Wednesday...I'm sure it's what everybody eats mid day mid week.  I need someone to tell me how life gets any better than this. 

I am in a really good place and the one that my mind goes to when it wanders is there with me. It feels like some kind of a ride, but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly.

Happy

"Never chase love, affection or attention.  If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.  The simple things in life should be effortless."

Sometimes you just realize something that is right in front of you all along.  I have less time to go than I've already spent in this human suit.  I had a girly doctor visit last week  Same paperwork as every year before.  Of course they make you spend forever filling it out and then they basically sit there and read it back to you.  High tech...pretty sure I could have done this job too if I didn't mind the close proximity to hoo hahs.  "So, any children?" (Even though it is clearly marked, Children 0 - Pregnancies 0) "No."   "Ever?"  As if I may have forgotten about one, on the paperwork and during my interrogation.  "Um...nope."  "Why? Did you never want any?"  I know that I am considered a failure by all female standards.  And that in that very simple 2 letter answer I am judged more harshly than for probably anything else.  Obviously something isn't right...that I'm not wired right and that I will never understand love.  I am the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to love your own child...I never will.  I'm content with that, I don't have a big empty hole of regret.  But I do know what it is to love and to want happy every days.  The world is chocked full of people who have never met me but will be the first in line to tell you what I will do and what to expect out of "my kind".  I guess I really wish that I wasn't so misunderstood .  I like that Velcro sees through me as if I were made of glass. It makes me breathe easier knowing that at least one person sees me for what I am....and likes me for it. 

The good part is the rest of this trip we call life...it's going to be spent living and being happy...not the struggling to figure shit that have marked so many of my years until now. Life continues happening all around you...whether you slow down to live it or drown in a puddle of wishing for something different.  We wind up where we are by fate...the cards in our hand are the only ones we have to play.  There is no pause button...no rewind.  Wrap your arms around the life you have and live it like you want. The world has preconditioned us to think that happy is bad...it's not.

"When the pony, he comes riding by, you better sit your sweet ass on it." Zac Brown