Saturday

Hang in there.  It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.  (frances hodges burnett)  Still can't believe how these things that are getting me by keep popping up so that I find them. 

I have recently spent about 85% of my food budget on cat food and the likes there of.  Gravy Lovers...Gravy pouches...crunchy tasty crap...the equivalent of kitty ensure...kitten milk formula...real baby food.  It's a good thing that my body has decided that food is the devil and is currently avoiding it like old fish bait in a hot cooler.  Carletta cat has about a 2 day capacity for liking the same thing these days. It's wearing me out but more I'm worried about her.  

The dog exercise program is on warp plan...I have walked his little ass off lately.  He got 30 miles in July and in August.  Today he got his check mark on the beach...first time in a while.  Since last Sunday when Velcro took me out to The Point, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't walked out there.  It's where we went this morning.  He didn't know what to think of me wearing tennis shoes on the beach but quickly decided he didn't give a damn about my paw cover choices.  After many attempts of keeping him out of the water and my shoes dry I gave up and wound up knee deep...wet shorts and all. 

It made him happy and he made me laugh.  What difference does it really make if your shoes are full of sand and water..they are just shoes.  I'm looking at a lot of things and strangers differently.  Things are just that and are mattering to me less and less.  Really realizing that you can't look at a person and have a clue of what they are dealing with or struggling through.  I wonder at every down cast eye on the beach if they feel scared and are missing someone like crazy... trying to figure out what the fuck to do next.  Scary that it almost makes me sound soft. 

When I wake every morning I lie there and think about good stuff until I'm relatively sure that my head is a safe distance away from my ass.  Good stuff like riding out to Ponce de Leon Inlet to the scene of "shrimp ordering shrimp".  The fish reuben at the marina when the space shuttle boom accompanied the screwdrivers with which the bartender was trying to kill me.  Facial expressions and winks and foot pads and closeness.

As of last night Beaver has taken to wearing cologne...it makes him feel sexy but kinda creeps him out that I sniffed him no less than a 100 times. 

It's The Little Things

Is it bad when shells-n-cheese with hot sauce for breakfast is a step in the right direction nutritionally speaking?  My recent level of sobriety has scared me...not that I've opted for a wagon ride by any means but I've actually tackled more time than normal with a clear head. 
I miss sharing that I had tuna miracle for lunch.  And that I found my photo software that I've torn about multiple houses in search of.  And that I rode my bike on the road yesterday for the first time and really didn't do anything too stupid.  I did manage to find neutral at an awkward time...btw there is no hiding that when you do it.  And that I had my greatest dumpster dive find ever this morning...it wasn't actually a dive...it was beside the dumpster but still. 

The really cool thing is on the bottom there are all these notes written to this guy Rich...he apparently really influenced these note writers lives.  I am aware that its all ratty looking and I have no idea if it will really work for a surfboard but it made me smile and sometimes that's enough. 

Miss my best friend...

How It Began

Decided against sharing our story... 
I didn't expect him to walk into my life...and it was more than chance that brought us together.  I didn't just come away with a good story and a lover....I came away with the love of my life and my best friend. I never want to imagine a day without him.  Life has a way of working itself out if you just give it time and a chance.

Today's The First Day of The Rest of My Life...

...And I'm alive and well.  (kenny chesney/dave matthews)  That song has been on repeat in my head lately.  This past week has been, for lack of a more descriptive and accurate adjective, tough.  Every thing in the world happens for a reason and in it's own time and this week was no exception.  It's weird how what you need to see finds its way into your path.  I always write down or drunk scribble (depending on my state of sobriety)things as I come across them because I do not retain well and  I tend to do more of drunk version. Somehow this week I've wound up with a couple pages.  Only sharing the relevant.

-The easiest thing in the world to be is you.  The hardest thing is to be what other people want you to be.

-No matter where you are in life right now.  No matter who you are.  No matter how old you are.  It is never too later to be who you are meant to be. (jerry & ester hicks)

I rented the movie The Beaver Tuesday night.  As much as I was predisposed to hate this fucking movie...it stole my story...a stuffed beaver taking on role as the voice of the alter ego, I couldn't.  I own that crazy, it's been mine for years now.  I did check the credits to be sure my ex husbands name wasn't on the screenplay, I would have probably come unglued and would currently be trying to dispose of a body instead of typing this.   It was actually very good and maybe gave me a little too much insight into myself. (Thats a blog for another day).  Who would have thought I would have spent half the movie pausing and rewinding to get it on paper. 

- Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable.  Crazy is pretending to be happy. Crazy is pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be the rest of your life

-There's someone who is with you...willing to pick you up...dust you off...kiss you...forgive you...put up with you..wait for you...carry you...love you.

Several weeks ago I was surprised by one of my usual suspect buddies when he asked me "Do you know what happiness is?"  I'm not a quick answer when posed with a thinking question...I told him I would put some thought to it before I answered.  To which he responded "Having something to look forward to".  So simple...and so absolutely true. 

-What seems strange becomes common. What seemed impossible becomes real. 

I really didn't know which way my life, our lives, were going a week ago. I have something to look forward to. Life isn't ever going to be predictable. But I know that the hand that I'm holding is the one that I'm going to walk thru it with. 

Still Here

Not a lot to talk about right now.  Events of the week have been an emotional earthquake and have shaken me to the core.  Realization about myself...where I am and what's important to me have consumed my every thought.  I'm getting a face full of  practice what you preach...If there's nothing you can do about it, you have to let it go and only worry about what you have control over.  Which at this point is not so much...dog check marks...feeding myself...occupying my time...and maintaining control of my mind.  Earlier in the week that was impossible but I stopped and actually managed to breathe in...have bitch slapped my mind  and wrestled control of the wheel again. I think love is real when you are scared to death at how vulnerable you are but the thought of grabbing up your toys and running off the playground never crosses your mind.  I was asked if I had my running shoes on...and for the very first time in my life my answer was no. 

Tough Girls Hold Hands Too

I just finished reading Into the Wild.  It's about a kid that took off after college, gave all his savings to a charity, gave up all his earthly tethers and disappeared from his family.  I dog eared the pages that hit home to me...like I do in all of my books.  "Chris was very much of the school that you should own nothing except what you can carry on your back at a dead run."  There was another...a letter that he wrote to an old guy he met somewhere on the road...its entirely too long to pass along but it told him to get out and live and do and see all the places and do all the things he regretted not doing.  "If you attempted to talk him out of something, he wouldn't argue.  He'd just nod politely and then do exactly what he wanted."  "I was surprised, as always, by how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt."   
Starting to see the similarities now aren't ya?  It's the second such book I've read.  This one instead of being penned by the adventurer/wanderer himself ended more tragically.  Imagine: A Vagabond Story was a similar scenario with a much happier ending.  With a couple hundred dollars he left the country and traveled all over Mexico and Central American...living in hostels and working odd jobs to get by.  I share a wander lust with them both.  All of my life I've been a rebel with no cause.  Throwing the middle finger to conformity and standing firmly by myself in my made up beliefs.  As I've aged the rebelliousness softened into odd and currently is probably teetering on eclectic.  Even though I've never had the balls to peace out of society and take to the road with a backpack I harbor jealously and a bit of penis envy for those that have. 

There is no secret that several times in my life I've completely lost my self.  Lost in normalcy.  Instead of being who I am, I was chipped away at until I became some hybrid version of what they expected.  The bad ass girl slipped out of sight after one too many flips of the Sunday morning omelet.  That in turn was the demise of the relationship(s).  Then of course I come out of the corner like a wet pissed off cat scratching and biting to reclaim myself. 

I feel good that I don't hide or modify who and what I am with Velcro.  I am an open book...there is no hidden agenda...no sneaky program behind the scenes.  I like that I can ask for an opinion other than my own but know that I don't need permission.  This being independent but holding a hand thing has been bouncing around in my head for sometime, then I read this and it really summed up a lot of how I feel.  Kinda wish I had written it.  I don't feel alone even though I'm by myself sometimes.  I rest beneath his smile and he's with me every minute.  It's a delicate balance being a tough girl in love...

Velcro told me that he sees the world differently than ever before since knowing me. That made me happy.  My ability to realign my thoughts is probably one of my best assets.  I doubt it's super hero enough to require a cape but it helps me on the rare occasions my head and ass get in close proximity. My happy lists get me back on track when my wayward mind takes off on me.  Here's my latest list

-Lightning Bugs
-Day Lillies
-A 3 Beer Buzz...I know alcohol does not solve any problems but neither does milk.

-Velcro's Dimple...it shows up with his happy smile

-Seagulls... minus the poop

-Foot pads...love feeling them touch each other

-The Shu's replacement...more pictures of her to come.

Bitter Sweet

Sunday morning 8:52 - Spaghetti w/ goat cheese and Season 2 of Weeds.  How can any one not want to be me??
Not sure if the entire world experiences odd planetary alignment at the exact same time or not but everyone close to me seems to share my schedule.  Saturn has been tilted and threatening to take out adjacent planets for the past week or so.  I have ramblings and thoughts that I've scribbled and none of them actually tie together but they warrant sharing. 

Why does hind sight seem to be my best light?  Not for me but for how people view me.  I've been trying hard lately to identify and break patterns.  The patterns that have governed my life.  The keep quiet and look fine when you're really not so much and then bailing before the unsuspecting have a clue of what's going on.  I blame no one.  I am the problem.  My non-confrontational side is damning.  I'm scarred from a childhood of "turn the other cheek" and it's made me less than honest about my feelings...whether they are the good  or the hurt ones in relationships.  My calm in the center of the storm self is a mask of what I'm dealing with on my own time.  So for the first time, as awkward as it feels to me, I actually talk about things and how I feel.  Don't worry I'm not becoming a softy and I will still kick the shit out of you. This new modified bad ass girl is only exposed to one Velcro... to everyone else, expect to see no difference.  Pretty sure after I wrote this I went to bed before dark...in a tourist town...obviously I am awesome.