Impossible Things

"I will dare to do just what I do.  Be just what I am. And dance whenever I want to." Beverly Williams

Not so much of a dancer here...just the occasional solo living room variety.  But it speaks tons to how the last year has changed me.  I just read last year's post.  The fever in my blood has been cooled a bit...and I am a little more settled down (and all my shit is in one location now) but I still live just as small.  Continued have been my efforts of pairing down...the goodwill almost knows me on a first name basis and eBay has become my second source of income.  I've managed not to consumerize and replace any of the purged shit.  No longer do I struggle with the feeling of being a loser.  Daddy's birthday passed without the common side effect of head rattle that's accompanied it for all the years before.  I would call my life uncluttered.  There's not a ton of shit...not so many people in it...not so much expected of me.  Sometimes I get bored but am still resisting the commitment of cable tv.
The first completely solo girl motorcycle ride was Sunday morning.  It felt good to get it out of the building (and back in) and on the road without any help.  Even though the trip was to see my parental unit that lacked the same enthusiasm as myself about it I sometimes surprise myself and that feels really good.  I enjoy the little things everyday...things that seem too insignificant to tell most people.

Like the unexpected really low tide that let me and the furry guy splash in shallow tidal pools where the inlet normally churns and find tiny crabs that enjoyed the paparazzi. 

And the giant 65 pound turtles that I came across on my way to lunch.  Right after this shot they started banging their shells into each other...seems it was turtle fightin' not lovin'. 

And the beach while its still dark, just before sunrise.  Its good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight...like clockwork that song comes to mind every morning when I get there...then the other soul walks into sight and my day starts off good...again.  I'm looking forward to so much but don't have any plans.  It seems the best things in life show up and surprise you when you are least suspecting and things you thought unbelievable become real.  Who needs to plan when you have that...

Feathers and Sharks Teeth

"I'll always be young.  About the age that the thought of touching my girl makes my heart race, my spirit soar and my vision blur." William Corinthus

This may seem a bit rambly and I have tendency to get a little deep into my own head when I don't talk to anything without fur...it could be delirium from lack of food.  Don't get upset...I am eating corned beef and cabbage right now... its the first since yesterday's breakfast. As some kind of a cruel joke being played on me by the Universe Roger's poo has smelled like corned beef to me since I turd lifted last night. Pretty sure I said out loud "You've got to be fucking kidding me".  He of course is oblivious and doesn't understand the blue bag concept anyway.

Music has a power all to itself.  It can flood you with a memory and take you to another place in an instant. It gets me through a lot. Every song makes me feel a little different and reminds me of a different time..all with one common denominator.  I can't even begin to say how many thoughts I've had today... my mind feels like its in hyper drive...and every single one has been about him.  As I was walking on the beach this morning I wondered (hoped) maybe I was on his mind as much. When I caught myself focusing on missing and feeling lonely or scared, I made myself stop and regroup and change my mind. My mind really is all I can control...it's all any of us can control.

I like when little things show up and let you know that you're on the right path...that everything is ok and to keep believing.  It's amazing where you find hope.

When I was leaving I thought what a weird feeling it is to have absolutely no where to be...and no one to know when you get there or not.  Then I opened my car door and my question of being on his mind was answered....and I do have someone that knows that I got there.

From Here...

"We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dreams to be weaving.  And we all have some power too make wishes come true as long as we keep believing."  Louisa May Alcott

I remember the first time I got on the motorcycle with Velcro. He asked "Do you trust me?"  The answer was the same then as it still is now.  I wrapped my arms around him and dug my thumbs into his pockets and held on.  Doing the same thing now.  Never have I laid my bare naked soul out to be seen or been so absolutely honest and vulnerable about how I feel or cried in front of another person like I have with him.  I have always been told I'm hard to read because I show no emotion.  He doesn't have that side of me...there is no protective barrier.  Outside of being a bit of a mess it feels good to not hold back or to have to hide anything. 

From sitting on the bottom...everything is up from here.  Life recently has made me realize what is important and it's made me understand what I really want.  It's made me appreciate every single second...every word spoken...it's made me realize just how important this other person is to me and how much him being ok matters to me. 

There are things that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt.  I know that there are no accidents when it comes to people coming into your life.  I know I have so much to look forward to and I know he's going to be there with me.  I know that the best is yet to come.  And I know that very good things can happen faster than we can imagine possible. 

On The Subject of My Potential...

First I have to say that adrenaline doesn't do for me any favors...I am not a junkie.  It's been almost an hour since Roger and myself were charged by an unattended pit bull and I'm still a herky jerk.  I saw the dog well across the parking lot and there were two guys near him...one asked if he was my dog and the next thing he was in full attack charge.  He covered well over a 100ft in a matter of seconds.  In hind sight I know what I was doing although I was completely functioning on instinct.  I was trying to get Roger back over to a pickup truck (I guess to put him in it) and get between him and the dog. It was NOT f-ing cool.  The guys came running but didn't know what to do since no one really wants to grab a fricking pit bull that's not theirs.  I got Roger separated enough to get him in the door of the condo and immediately the other dog started listening to me.  There was a spare leash in my car and I put it on him.  I walked until I saw someone and asked if she had any idea who he belonged to...it was hers.  She wasn't even calling for him??  Apparently she heard yelling and looked out.  The yelling was me...ME.  I don't yell...EVER.  But guess I did this morning.  I never really understood how the dog was out on his own.  I know there's a whole subculture of people who swear by those dogs but they unpredictable and scare the shit out of me.  I really never want to hurt an animal but I'm pretty sure I was willing to stomp one pit bull ass over my little guy. 

Over the past week I've impressed myself with my 'not the average girl' attempts and accomplishments.  I passed the motorcycle course and got my license.  I was far less than perfect but did manage to get through figure 8's and tight cone weaving and a whole lot of other stuff I wouldn't have thought myself capable of.  I also replaced my disposal all by my little self.  I'm talking wiring and plumbing and everything.  The plumber wanted $250 to do it.  Some days I kick a lot of ass.  I was high on self accomplishment when my mother called the other day and I was passing along my stories.  Somewhere when telling about the written test she says something along the lines of "well you've always been smart...I've known for a long time that you've never lived up to your potential...you could have made something of yourself."  In her defense I'm sure that was supposed to be a compliment.  I just shook my head.  It didn't even really bother me when she said it.  It has gotten an awful lot of head time since then I have to admit.  I know that bartending is not a parents dream job for their kid...but I do what I do by choice.  Recently she and a cousin were putting together a genealogy book and my little half a paragraph included that I had been married and what I use to do for a living and that I currently live at the beach.  I haven't always been what I am...I started off playing by the unwritten grown up rules.  I had a real job and was rather successful...and miserable. I gave a long almost 18 years to an industry and profession that left me flat on my face when the economy soured.  I stood up, regrouped and found something that I enjoy. I'm not sure if in my potential I was supposed to make the world a better place and more sunny for the masses?  I'm confused most I guess by what people consider success and living up to your potential.  I have never ridden a coat tail and have always been completely responsible for myself.  I never asked my parents for help...of any kind.  It pains me to ask anyone for help and I am more than reluctant to taking any that comes unsolicited.  I know that sometimes I'm a bit erratic from the outside...like when I make my b's and d's backwards and walk off before making up both sides of the bed and like yesterday when I threw away eggs  from a carton marked sell by June 10.  But I took the eggs out and recycled the carton. Sometimes I'm all over the place and I can tend to wear people out but it's tightly rolled up with handy and resourceful and loving and  maybe a little bad ass. For the most part I keep my shit in one sock.  And I'm proud of that whether she ever will be or not. 

I write for my sanity and possibly to entertain and with any luck to maybe inspire and cause people look at life a little differently. I chase happiness.  And I love with all I have.  It's more than I can say for most of those free white and over 21.  If I'm falling short of potential...then falling short doesn't feel so bad.

Full Moon Party of Two

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces.  Fearing their power Zeus split them into two parts, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other half. 

Pretty amazing how much sense that makes.  I guess that's where the feeling of knowing  comes from followed by the big sigh of relief you soul breaths out when you finally find them. 

Last night we drove around and talked about everything and nothing...held hands and walked down on the dock in my old neighborhood. It looked like there wasn't going to be a moon sighting at all though.  Severe thunderstorm warnings were all around us and the sky was nothing but clouds.  Looking out from behind a pizza the size of my car and cold beers we couldn't even  get our bearings as to where the moon should be.  The rain completely missed...coming nowhere close to us. By about our 3rd Landshark the clouds started breaking up. From our vantage point on the back deck the most awesome moon came out and danced on the water for us...like it had planned us a surprise.  Nine months after our first full moon party we had our second. It was without all the people and no glow stick drinks....there was no marching jazz band of disappearing democrats. No ladder back chair to share beside the water...no fireworks that followed.  But there was all that mattered...Us. Was it 15 miles away or 1000?...you couldn't have proven it either way.  We live in paradise.  And we found each other.  It feels good when you stop and realize how incredible life is. 

I don't even know which way the clouds went but the sky opened up and there was even a shooting star.  Hard to imagine a better night.  Looking forward to a lot more of those.

What the Weekend Holds

"When the days are short, chances are you are living at your best." Earl Nightingale

On Day #3 of all good days.  Rog got double check marks on the beach again this morning. Ate lunch with Roger's girlfriend's mom.  Then I spent the afternoon in a swing by the water with better company than  I could dream of.  Writing this now from the balcony in perfect weather...wind chimes...cat washing her face from a belly full of kitten milk...Roger and his raw hide chewy at my feet.  Motorcycle 101 for the girl starts tonight.  I can't wait.  This weekend is gonna kick my ass...but its gonna be a lot of fun.  Looking forward to getting out on my bike....and stone crabs...and lazy afternoons with the Sopranos...and life.

Sweet Sweet Life

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible." ~Claude Bissell


I love surprises...they are the best thing ever.  Yesterday I had three and one person was behind them all.  Not just kinda surprises...I was completely caught off guard and blown away by every single one.  The day started out ok...I was almost verging on happy for not so much of a reason.  Then my reason walked up beside me and the day turned into the first one in a long time that was good...all day. I came home and wrote....loaded the camera and editing software...walked the dog.  Simple things but even the simple things were good.  Surprises kept coming. It was the most I've smiled in a day lately.  Planning on smiling more every day. 
 
There's something very healing about the ocean...its so easy to get wrapped up in our lives and forget where we are.  We live where most people have to plan and wait and spend a shit pot of money to come to for just a week a year.  Pretty lucky.  Almost all those people are gone...and the coast is clear.  Its funny how I ended up here...I thought my world was crashing on top of me when I lost my job just 9 months after buying a house and just a few months after loosing my Daddy.  I even had to replace the hvac the day after I found myself income free.  I never would have guessed that fork in the road was leading me here and into the path of someone I'd been looking for all along.  Crazy how it works.  
 
There's always a bigger picture out there but we decided on taking the days as they come and they only come one at a time.  Yesterday is done.  Can't do anything about tomorrow until it gets here...then just work on making it good too.  I want to be surprised everyday...by just how good it turns out.

Looking forward to...more days like yesterday.