Monday, January 4, 2016

Break From The Hiatus

I feel I have things to say again, atleast judging by the amount I talk to either myself or the dog.  When Roger got sick it kicked the shit out of me.  The job, that I had been working so hard at getting off the ground...I just walked away from.  Writing, or even expressing myself much at all came to a halt.  After I lost him, I couldn't walk into my house without breaking into sobs.  I only stayed at home 2 or 3 nights in 3 months and those nights I cried myself to sleep.  To me, It was so much more than just "loosing a dog".  It took opening my heart to a little furry wad of pug to be able to go home again.  Even now that Dexter is almost a year and a half old, he hasn't come close to replacing his big brother, but he has definitely notched out his little place in our lives.  

I suppose I decided to try a few changes and it just so happened to coincide with the new year...let's not call them Resolutions because that will be cause of their demise.  I am going to write again.  And this will likely be the place that my random thoughts and photos surface, as opposed to social media, where we look to others for acknowledgment and support and a sense of self worth via likes.  I recently purged my "friends" list.  In doing this I found one friend had died... almost 3 years ago...and I had no idea.  The worst part, I suppose, is that this is what we equate to having friends.  How very little do we actually interact with people?  You know that crazy idea of hanging out and actually talking instead of hitting a little thumbs up icon and feeling like we are involved.  Don't get me wrong, at one point this girl and I had been rather close.  But time and distance and moves and job changes had pulled us apart.  That part is called life.  I will be the first to admit that I have few people that dabble past the line of acquaintences and I'm ok with that too.  When it comes to conversations, I prefer to get out of the shallow end of the pool.  My lack of ability or care of small talk limits my it a character flaw or whatever, I don't mind it.  
The second thing on my list of self improvements is to not beat myself up quite so much.  To say I'm a little tough on myself is a dramatic understatement.  I have never been a competitive person at all, always having hated when someone wants to push me to compete and try to win against me.  I fucking hate it.  I've been known to tee off on a putt-putt course like Tiger Woods, knocking the ball three holes over to throw a game because someone was taunting to win.  Could be called a poor sport, I couldn't care less.  When it comes down to it, I am in an extreme competition with myself.  I have fleeting moments of being proud of my accomplishments only to catch a glimpse in a full length mirror and start picking apart flaws.  My attempt is going to try being a little more accepting and forgiving of myself.  In all honesty, I think I will have better luck with the writing.  

Today, the day that most grown-ups and people I know went back to the grind.  First day back at it after the Xmas / New Years vacation hiatus.  I started the day with the gym, then the used bookstore to exchange for a few new Carl Hiaasen and John McDonald paperbacks.  Came 5 chapters of a new book...colored in my coloring book...made some lunch...worked on gluing wine corks to a styrofoam ball to replicate an idea from Pinterest while the dog played in the garage...and I started writing again.  No emails to catch conference new looming deadlines. It's the benefit of being a bartender and having worked through the holidays.  Seems like a pretty decent trade off to me.  Now I'm off to a dog walk with this guy....and possibly a nap.

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