Through It All

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."


My puppy's birthday was this week.  He turned 11.  We made a big deal out of it with new toys and doggie snacks and I sang to him more than once.  It scares me that I know I have less time left than I've already had with him.  I can't even begin to figure out where the last 11 years have gone. Through 8 moves, one husband, death, losing 2 jobs, losing myself, finding myself then finding the guy I love, he's been the only one that's truly been beside me through it all.  I've cried countless tears into his fur and he's never once told.  Sometimes I feel like I've taken it all for granted...Roger...life...time....the idea that none of it will ever run out. Like I should have been paying more attention to the stuff that really mattered.  This past year has made me slow down and really live every minute and I realize that absolutely nothing is a given.  Life changes.  I'm working on taking things differently.  The protective emotional concrete barrier that I'm so used to throwing up has been removed.  I somethings feel sandwiched between extreme relief and vomiting vulnerability. I intend to never take any of it for granted again.  So when Roger feels like swimming in the cold ass ocean on his birthday, then that's what he gets to do... even if he requires I go at least knee deep beside him. 

 Last Sunday was a first. Late breakfast or early brunch was stone crabs on the picnic table. Neither of us had ever eaten them before lunch... working on things we've never done before. We shared a beer and a "first" and a memory that only we have. Going to take on the rest of it all...together.

My Breath Should I Grow Old

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."

I spent two hours on the motorcycle one warm afternoon this week.  Hypnotic is the only word that comes close to describing. No less than a million thoughts, nothing needed solving...nothing got solved.  I'm breathing a big sigh of okness lately...knowing that life being good is here to stay.

The colder weather has brought out every possible color and style of dog sweater in my neighborhood. The best I saw on a last poopy before bed walk when I was passed by a guy on a skateboard with a pekingese in a red striped "Where's Waldo?" sweater struggling to keep up and not be dragged and rolled into a candy cane. As much as I was convinced a few weeks back that 60 degrees was as cold of weather as I could ever be exposed to...ever again, there are few beach walks sans sweatshirts and I've actually worn real shoes long enough to realize I will live.  Not a fan of the season change but it sure does work for clearing off the beach...the upside of having to zip the jeep windows back in.  For the last two days I can count on my fingers the number of people me and Roger have encountered on our walks. It affords me my crazy time of talking to the dog about the world as I see it, even when he's more interested in sniffing and not having to worry if an Ohio tourist is ease dropping.  I've always been a bit of a hermit and have a capacity limit when it comes to how many people I can have close in my life. I'm no good at giving a tiny bit of my attention...I'm currently all in and I just don't have the need or where-with-all to keep up with lots of people or a heavy social calendar.  Me saying heavy social calendar is only funnier if you know me. 

Oooohh there's another reason for my cold weather whinings to stop... Stone crab season is back!! 

How in the hell I managed to circle the sun so many times with no knowledge of the stone crab I will never understand.  It has been my crush love since my Florida trip last January.  Velcro promised me that I would never have to crack my own crabs...and I haven't.  This was our lunch on a Wednesday...I'm sure it's what everybody eats mid day mid week.  I need someone to tell me how life gets any better than this. 

I am in a really good place and the one that my mind goes to when it wanders is there with me. It feels like some kind of a ride, but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly.

Happy

"Never chase love, affection or attention.  If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.  The simple things in life should be effortless."

Sometimes you just realize something that is right in front of you all along.  I have less time to go than I've already spent in this human suit.  I had a girly doctor visit last week  Same paperwork as every year before.  Of course they make you spend forever filling it out and then they basically sit there and read it back to you.  High tech...pretty sure I could have done this job too if I didn't mind the close proximity to hoo hahs.  "So, any children?" (Even though it is clearly marked, Children 0 - Pregnancies 0) "No."   "Ever?"  As if I may have forgotten about one, on the paperwork and during my interrogation.  "Um...nope."  "Why? Did you never want any?"  I know that I am considered a failure by all female standards.  And that in that very simple 2 letter answer I am judged more harshly than for probably anything else.  Obviously something isn't right...that I'm not wired right and that I will never understand love.  I am the first to admit that I don't know what it's like to love your own child...I never will.  I'm content with that, I don't have a big empty hole of regret.  But I do know what it is to love and to want happy every days.  The world is chocked full of people who have never met me but will be the first in line to tell you what I will do and what to expect out of "my kind".  I guess I really wish that I wasn't so misunderstood .  I like that Velcro sees through me as if I were made of glass. It makes me breathe easier knowing that at least one person sees me for what I am....and likes me for it. 

The good part is the rest of this trip we call life...it's going to be spent living and being happy...not the struggling to figure shit that have marked so many of my years until now. Life continues happening all around you...whether you slow down to live it or drown in a puddle of wishing for something different.  We wind up where we are by fate...the cards in our hand are the only ones we have to play.  There is no pause button...no rewind.  Wrap your arms around the life you have and live it like you want. The world has preconditioned us to think that happy is bad...it's not.

"When the pony, he comes riding by, you better sit your sweet ass on it." Zac Brown

Drag Queens and Unanswered Questions

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." -Tyler Durden

If you don't already know...I have a crush on drag queens...from a distance of course because I'm not into loud expressive people. Or dramatic people...which pretty much eliminates all drag queens.  It started the first time I saw one.  I was a dorky lesbanese looking, badly dressed tourist in South Beach and about 21 years old.  There on a side street outside a club stood the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.  She was in some kind of big Cinderella-ish gown and was about as polar opposite of my tomboy self that one could get.  I realized then that if they are too pretty to be true, they are boys...in South Beach at least.  I love seeing them as guys then what they can transform themselves into.  Hell I can't even manage to cover up my freckles with make up.  All this lead in to say...I am now facebook friends with one of the Key West drag queens!!  From her page I found all the others and can look at their girly dress up pictures and their I'm the guy beside you at the airport with the scruffy beard pictures too.  I found a link to Audience of the Queens.  It's a documentary about the drag queens of Key West.  If you are just now learning that odd documentaries trip my trigger then you don't know me or haven't been paying attention AT ALL.  I am in heaven.  I haven't ordered it yet...only because I am trying to show some restraint.  Plus sometimes I like wanting something...its my self test of just how much I really need it. If I keep wanting it instead of forgetting about it I figure its legit so I don't feel like a damn consumer buying everything in sight.  This same test is applied to flip flops...it is what keeps me from having eleventy hundred pairs.  If I can just get out of the store I forget all about them.  Not so with the drag queen video. 

My life is full of unanswered questions and random observations.  In effort of finding some answers I started writing them down... hoping that maybe someone somewhere has the knowledge base required to quiet my busy little mind. 

- What do squirrel turds look like?  As skiddy as these little guys are, you never see them "accidentally" loose it.  Makes one wonder.

- How much does a cow pee at a time?  Have you ever seen this?  JESUS.  And when do they have time to do anything besides have their head under a spigot? since I'm guessing they have to drink that much for that much to come back out?  Maybe they only pee once a week?  Help me out here.

- Why do I require XL undies? This has recently been revised to LARGE in some brands...but still.  Does the rest of the world just skip them?? Cause I'm kinda on the guppy end of the food chain in the big picture.

- How does a bean sprout grow in my shower drain over night?  Last time I checked I have not eaten in or around my tub.

- How is it possible that I have the exact same dinner plates as Junior Saprono?  And why am I watching that kind of detail on tv...now you know why I skip the cable...it could wear me out.

- Why does the entire world not appreciate the pickled egg?  Or pork skins for that matter?

- Why does a dog fart surprise the dog so much?

Animal nuts trouble me...especially on little fluffy dogs.  There's one in my neighborhood...cute fluffy white from the front...little black nuts swinging from the back. Get them cut off people.  It's not like you are gonna let him car date...and god forbid he actually mounts up on something other than great aunt Sally's leg...you would be freaking out and yelling or dumping cold water on him.  Trust me, not knowing what could have been has to be less frustrating to the little horny cotton ball than having all that obvious manhood and not having anything to do with it. Be considerate.  Not to mention I would be mortified if dog balls where on my couch or worse...my lap.  Its not like they can wear boxers.

With no conscious effort I make up words. I speak in some kind of hybrid language all of my own.  The weird part is I use the words all the time and don't really draw attention or get questioned.  I asked Velcro recently if he could peg my new word that I've been using...he couldn't.  In context they blend perfectly and its just a given to what they mean and so they go unnoticed.   When I say them by them self... not so much. My most recent is ganked. Which I had to define and use in a sentence after announcing it to him like I was in a spelling bee.   I also can use the word jack in at least 5 different contexts. I am an amazing master of the english language yo.  Pretty sure he never really knows what to expect from me.

I read on the internet that Fight Club was released in theaters 12 years ago this week.  If you don't agree that this is one of the best movies ever made then I'm going to have to stop hanging out with you...because you smoke crack.  I've never read the book that it was based on so I'm not sure if the genius was the author or if it was the one who adapted it for screen.  If you take away the living in an abandon house and fighting and blowing shit up you are left with an amazing philosophy of life. 
"You're not your job.  You're not how much money you have in the bank.  You're not the car that you drive.  You're not the contents of your wallet.  You're not your fucking khakis."

"We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.  Fuck Martha Stewart.  Martha's polishing brass on the Titanic.  It's all going down.  So fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns.  I say never be complete.  I say stop being perfect.  I say lets evolve...let the chips fall where they may."

"An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables...slaves with white collars.  Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes.  Working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need."

"The things you own end up owning you."

Impossible Things

"I will dare to do just what I do.  Be just what I am. And dance whenever I want to." Beverly Williams

Not so much of a dancer here...just the occasional solo living room variety.  But it speaks tons to how the last year has changed me.  I just read last year's post.  The fever in my blood has been cooled a bit...and I am a little more settled down (and all my shit is in one location now) but I still live just as small.  Continued have been my efforts of pairing down...the goodwill almost knows me on a first name basis and eBay has become my second source of income.  I've managed not to consumerize and replace any of the purged shit.  No longer do I struggle with the feeling of being a loser.  Daddy's birthday passed without the common side effect of head rattle that's accompanied it for all the years before.  I would call my life uncluttered.  There's not a ton of shit...not so many people in it...not so much expected of me.  Sometimes I get bored but am still resisting the commitment of cable tv.
The first completely solo girl motorcycle ride was Sunday morning.  It felt good to get it out of the building (and back in) and on the road without any help.  Even though the trip was to see my parental unit that lacked the same enthusiasm as myself about it I sometimes surprise myself and that feels really good.  I enjoy the little things everyday...things that seem too insignificant to tell most people.

Like the unexpected really low tide that let me and the furry guy splash in shallow tidal pools where the inlet normally churns and find tiny crabs that enjoyed the paparazzi. 

And the giant 65 pound turtles that I came across on my way to lunch.  Right after this shot they started banging their shells into each other...seems it was turtle fightin' not lovin'. 

And the beach while its still dark, just before sunrise.  Its good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight...like clockwork that song comes to mind every morning when I get there...then the other soul walks into sight and my day starts off good...again.  I'm looking forward to so much but don't have any plans.  It seems the best things in life show up and surprise you when you are least suspecting and things you thought unbelievable become real.  Who needs to plan when you have that...

Feathers and Sharks Teeth

"I'll always be young.  About the age that the thought of touching my girl makes my heart race, my spirit soar and my vision blur." William Corinthus

This may seem a bit rambly and I have tendency to get a little deep into my own head when I don't talk to anything without fur...it could be delirium from lack of food.  Don't get upset...I am eating corned beef and cabbage right now... its the first since yesterday's breakfast. As some kind of a cruel joke being played on me by the Universe Roger's poo has smelled like corned beef to me since I turd lifted last night. Pretty sure I said out loud "You've got to be fucking kidding me".  He of course is oblivious and doesn't understand the blue bag concept anyway.

Music has a power all to itself.  It can flood you with a memory and take you to another place in an instant. It gets me through a lot. Every song makes me feel a little different and reminds me of a different time..all with one common denominator.  I can't even begin to say how many thoughts I've had today... my mind feels like its in hyper drive...and every single one has been about him.  As I was walking on the beach this morning I wondered (hoped) maybe I was on his mind as much. When I caught myself focusing on missing and feeling lonely or scared, I made myself stop and regroup and change my mind. My mind really is all I can control...it's all any of us can control.

I like when little things show up and let you know that you're on the right path...that everything is ok and to keep believing.  It's amazing where you find hope.

When I was leaving I thought what a weird feeling it is to have absolutely no where to be...and no one to know when you get there or not.  Then I opened my car door and my question of being on his mind was answered....and I do have someone that knows that I got there.

From Here...

"We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dreams to be weaving.  And we all have some power too make wishes come true as long as we keep believing."  Louisa May Alcott

I remember the first time I got on the motorcycle with Velcro. He asked "Do you trust me?"  The answer was the same then as it still is now.  I wrapped my arms around him and dug my thumbs into his pockets and held on.  Doing the same thing now.  Never have I laid my bare naked soul out to be seen or been so absolutely honest and vulnerable about how I feel or cried in front of another person like I have with him.  I have always been told I'm hard to read because I show no emotion.  He doesn't have that side of me...there is no protective barrier.  Outside of being a bit of a mess it feels good to not hold back or to have to hide anything. 

From sitting on the bottom...everything is up from here.  Life recently has made me realize what is important and it's made me understand what I really want.  It's made me appreciate every single second...every word spoken...it's made me realize just how important this other person is to me and how much him being ok matters to me. 

There are things that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt.  I know that there are no accidents when it comes to people coming into your life.  I know I have so much to look forward to and I know he's going to be there with me.  I know that the best is yet to come.  And I know that very good things can happen faster than we can imagine possible.