A Look Inside

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today."

Have you ever eaten Burger King alone in your car on Thanksgiving?  Have you ever wandered the isles of Blockbuster on Christmas day or driven around with the dog?  No?  Then you will never know what its been like to be me.  I know that the statute of limitations is long since expired for blaming my relationship with my mother for anything.  But I have to still be aware that it was and is instrumental in how I tackle life and for what I want from other people.  I've never felt the all enduring love and forever proud of you and I want you happy no matter what that I see in others parents.  Last week I took a few blows below the belt from her disguised as always with concern and martyrism.  As much as I truly don't care, it still spins around in my head for days.  The hardest part is that I never see it coming, I don't know whether to expect the easy what's going on in my life update or to brace for hearing how much I wasted my potential and the hurt that I inflict on her with my daily decisions. Over the course of the last twenty some years I've built up quite the defense system and the Great Oz has lost the ability to come out from behind the curtain. 

What this leads to is what I've always wanted.  I want quick answers to dumb questions.  I want to laugh unexpectedly and a lot.  I want someone that doesn't mind that I can sometimes completely shock and embarrass grown men with things that I say.  I want some one that can handle me even when I'm a mess. I want someone that's ok with me being an over sized kid and wanting too many bubble baths.  I want someone to protect me even though I don't need it. I want my random sporadic mind to be appreciated for just what it is.  I want someone that reminds me to finish the sentence that I started and stopped.  I want someone that knows when I start getting off track and reels me back in.  I want someone to love like crazy. I want someone to hold me when I cry and not think I'm a girl for doing it. I want someone to be proud that I am theirs. All I've ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally.  For the first time someone has made me feel that.