Rebuttal

Ok...I knew that I was going to cause a bit of riff with my mushroom blog but I had no idea the wrath that was going to be brought down upon me by my normally very even keel Mr Man. Dude, he spanked my ass over it. (I'm not going to clarify) It didn't even get a hint of smile, snicker or single ounce of amusement. He was pissed. So the purpose of this is to completely clarify that I did not in fact have anything to do with the bite marks in the mushroom...some where in my back yard there is a big fat very stoned bunny rabbit. As a matter of fact, possibly the last thing in the yard that I would choose to munch on would be the mushrooms....They will kill you. If you think differently then obviously you grew up or lived through a MUCH different 70's than the girl here did. I am fully aware that most people's 70's ROCKED...that's why I was not allowed to make eye contact with them...some of their heathenism could jump right off of them and directly into my eyes blinding me forever. Actually that's not why I wasn't allowed to make eye contact. The reason I couldn't was because (and I'm sure this will be news to some of you) everyone who rode a motorcycle was a Hell's Angel and they were murderers and unless I wanted to somehow provoke or threaten them then I had best not look at them. Please bear in mind that I was 6 and looked strikingly like Opie....I'm betting I couldn't have provoked or threatened anyone if my life (and crooked teeth) were on the line.

My dad's army buddy somehow was not included in this murderer/motorcycle rider notion. He had a motorcycle and a love van. I was unaware at the time but the super cool Scoobish van with the king mattress in the back...yea more went on in there than just a cool ride....but as a kid it was an awesome playhouse when he came over....I'm doubting he bothered changing the sheets very often....ick...gives me the hybies now to think about the DNA that I was probably playing around in. Note - he also carried around a bag of lemons and always had a bottle of Texas Pete in his back pocket. Officially an odd cat but very loyal... He came and slept in the floor when Daddy was in Hospice so even as odd as he is, I give him the big cheesy Chips thumbs up.

So back to the mushrooms. Not only would eating them kill you...like a cruel and painful death (nothing ever mentioned about any hallucinating or tripping or pink elephants or whatever) but if you touched them it could also lead to immediate torturous demise. So to calm all of you that lived the alternate version of the 70's. NO, I DID NOT EAT THE MUSHROOM. I'm just a dork that didn't think anyone actually ever ate crap out of yard and BTW I didn't touch it either cause there was no one here to rush me to the hospital.

Whatcha see is whatcha get

Why is this such a hard concept?? I've been told, on more than one occasion, that one thought there could not be any less grey in a person until they met me. I take this as a HUGE compliment. I'm as transparent as they get. And I find it very hard to swallow that there are manipulative people in the world and to what great lengths they will go to come out on top. ANNOUNCEMENT - I don't give a damn about top. There is no top. There is only contentment with oneself and where you are. Period.

I suppose its called taking the high road...I did it with Mr X and even though looking at it on paper it doesn't look like I won... I did. I'm also choosing this same path with my most recent encounter with a F-ED SLAM DAMN UP person that I use to have to work in close proximity with. Whatever chubby it gave her to tell complete lies about me I will never understand. And I know that with trying to understand I only allow myself to be a victim. A million people can push against you, but until you push back there is no resistance. It's not that I'm playing that "turn the other cheek" shit that was pumped into my head as a kid...I just know that Me staying on even keel is sooo much more important than playing into the game of life.

To be honest, I have no idea what tomorrow holds....or the next...or next year or forever from now. The only thing that truly matters is how I feel...about how I treat people...about how I react when people are shitty...and about Me. I may be a bit non-conformist and rowdy and in your face...but what you see....

My earthy side

Ok, so I was mistaken about growing a water tower....and apparently I was too clever for even the smart ones in the crowd and no one got that anyhow. Water tower...peach....like Gaffney. See how things just completely loose their legs when you have to explain them?? Back to my point...it was just a big cool mushroom. And yes, I am the only person you know who would take a bite of the yard art! I ROCK. It wasn't bad...kinda raw portabello-ish.....and it packs a pretty decent buzz. (How many reprimands do I think I'm gonna get over this one.) Now, if I could only figure out how to grow enough mushrooms to substitute my rum intake I might be on to something.

I am possibly the weirdest person I know

I am seriously concerned about self entertainment after today...I started having some of those crazy ass thoughts while mowing. (I even broke down and did the really slow walk so I could use the mulchy thingy and not the side shooty thingy). Of course when I just mentioned this to Nan she said "like crazy thoughts of running over people with a mower?" Possibly I am more sane than people think I am... I'm thinking I could cut like crop circles in my grass or something...I'd have to figure out how to get on top of the house to take pictures of it though and that in itself seems like reason enough to try a different avenue for my creativity.

Today I did do something very out of the norm and have decided it was worthy of keeping on board....I rode the bike to the gym. It was my first real road riding and no one infringed on my space so I'm feeling pretty good about. I've always felt that I would come to my demise via a soccer mom and her Town & Country.

I've also figured out that the reason behind my average thought retention of 2.5 seconds is not attributed to by my mind being multi tasked and over worked. I've still been scribbling flying non-sequeters down all day in order to share all that is this rambling web of randomness in my head.

Ok...finally getting around to bringing you to date on some major happenings that you've missed over the course of the last month or so. I have a farming chipmunk....I use have loosely....and I use farming loosely too. He has taken up residence up underneath the down spout thingy or somewhere. If I could actually see him after he decides to bolt I could give more accurate chipmunk stats but he's one fast little f-er. Anyhow all these plants started popping up like everywhere...so I let them grow and apparently Mr Chipmunk did not think that I was putting enough sunflower seeds out to get him through the winter so he decided to take things upon himself and farm. I think he saw something on HGTV about an Indian Summer and late harvests were the ticket or something.

My chipmunk ROCKS. (side note...haven't seen him lately...he might not have read on the package the germination time and gave up early and moved to key west)

Subject change - Roger has a new beach baby...got this for him last time I was down. 3 bucks and he digs the crap out of it. (my dog is as thrifty as me) The only down side of it is when I walked in on Mr Man and he was choking it. (its only funny if I don't have to explain it)

I also contemplated, this afternoon while being my own cabana lawn boy, letting my armpit hair grow out all Oregon lebanese-ish...like seriously how long would it get?...would it just get to a point and go stagnant or would it crest my elbow after a few months?? And if thats not enough I was getting out of the shower signing some crazy song to the cat...it wasn't the meow mix song like the cat sings on the commercial but it was really close. The dog is laying on the bath mat and looks up at me like "bitch you have lost your mind"... the same "oh so intelligent" dog then sniffs the cats ass as she strolls by to get a closer seat for the seranade. I'm now getting the crazy eye from a butt sniffer... You see my concern with the coming days. I can only scoop the cat pan so many times. For now I'm going to stick with growing my own water tower. I told you that you've miss some big shit.

Dude...wtf is this??

Me = Another Statistic of the economy being in the shitter

Well here's your formal announcement that I am on the market to the highest bidder. I am seeking the title of Professional Personal Opinion Offerer. My job duties would be to give you my opinion / outlook / rant or otherwise unsolicited take on any or all situations as I choose fit. Not that I would do any of the above upon request, it would be more as I see the need. I would like a full time salary as opposed to pay per rant....that may feel like too much pressure. Or more likely you would go expediently over budget. Possibly a bonus plan if you in fact found any of my Opinions to be beneficial above the expected entertainment factor or if they lead to any surprising financial gain.

As a side note, I also have a partner that would be willing to weigh in on any big issues. There will be an outside consulting fee for any Beaver participation. Currently he is unavailable. Like me he has fallen victim to things outside of his control. His, unlike mine, won't affect whether we can afford organic milk or not. Hibernation...domesticated style.

The good news for you employed types...there will be a lot more of this blogging for therapy going on to keep you entertained and informed throughout the drudgery of your earning a paycheck (and funding the states unemployment budget) days. At least now you will be getting something for your money... You know me....always the one to see the silver lining.

Just me

No wit, no charm, just me struggling a bit. This luckily is something that I do well at hiding...as always. But this is my form of therapy so too bad for all of you. Two weeks ago my mom came to visit....I suppose I should address things in order of how they happen as to not appear completely random. The better part of 3 days with the remaining parental unit tends to bring my childhood raging up into my face. Makes me think of a Buffett tune - I was force fed my religion but somehow saved my smile...that really sums it up. There's a lot of shit that I don't need in life but somewhere at the top of that list is interaction with Mr X and pictures of my dad's marker. (of which the world almost crashed to an end because his family saw it before my mom....now his family exists as a separate entity) Now think what you will about me...my give a damn about people's opinions has never been very high....I have no intention of seeing this in person. Death relived is not something that I need. Then from marker pics we went to funeral flowers on the grave to OOOh look! Me & him at xmas and "you can tell he was sick then" Well no shit. He was sick for years...years that he wasn't who he was. I don't know what Picks Disease is but I know it's f-ed up to watch. I don't need memory lane to show me what's not here. Pretty sure that's not what he would want. In death we are glorified. In sickness he held any semblance of family together. The truth is, they were just alike. Him less intrusive than her but cut out of the same mold for sure. F a marker. I'll see him one day....one day if I pay enough attention I'll recognize him as he walks by me on the beach....head down, intent on finding that next slightly imperfect perfect shell. Something that religion blinds you to.

No wonder I am quite the hermit....I embrace by oddities but night #3 on the heels of full day #2 of no human interaction has me weird. Oh, well if you count getting the suspect "Do I need to come out and help you with something" from the suspicious deli lady who obviously didn't understand my aimless wondering.

On the family update....Rogo has the handsome hair cut. He's funny and leggy and narrow butthead and pink dicky when he sports the shave do. When I picked him up yesterday after said shave do, they gave me his toothbrush. I guess I never thought about it before. When you pay for the extra special spa treatment for them they don't just use a community toothbrush...go figure. I suppose that's going to add a new and interesting aspect to my life. Thank you whoever invented the dog toothbrush.

I'm a little troubled by my reversion to the norm of sitting back and planning on the proverbial "someday". When me and Mr Man went to the outer banks in the spring we came across this little tshirt shop ran by lesbanese ....found a shirt in there that had the days of the week listed...at the end it said "See...no Someday" That coupled with our recently renting of The Bucket List...you see where this is going.

Feeling like getting away...and not really interested in spending the weekend dodging Mr X and other undesirables. What the hey...when all else fails why not test your proximity to alcoholism....the weekend was not wasted. I did rake up all the mulch out of my rock/mulch/the grass wins natural area. Then dug up all the big rocks. No idea really what the f to do with them. Rocks are something you either really need or you don't. And unfortunately for me you can't take them to the goodwill like I do with everything else that falls into that category. Speaking of...I've turned a corner. The $25 white sundress that I wore @ my wedding to Mr X is officially in the "consignment" stack. Not that it couldn't be worn any ole place...I'm just in general not a sundress girl...especially when it flashes you back to a bad idea. Choosing a tank top and hat that matches is my general fashion challenge.

On an awesome note! Mr Man and I are going to see John Hiatt this week!!
"I've got nothing to live up to and everywhere to be". I may deck it out for my date and be a sundress girl.

To explain my ramblings...after days of solitude I tend to go one way or the other. Like everything else with me there's very little middle ground. I will either go all over the place and not shut up or I'm dead silent and couldn't make a sentence if my life was in peril.

Oh! Movie recommendation - Tin Man. I only saw Disc one...I don't know if it was some kind of a series or what. But instead of renting Disc two I found it on Amazon for 10 bucks and bought the set. Loosely based on the Wizard of Oz...and for those few, you know I dig the crap out of it. Mr Man took me to the play last year. It was probably the best date of my life. Ranks high on the All Time Best Life Experiences....but so do most things we do together.

Things I'm Digging Right Now-

-My new playlist
Lucky - Colbie Caillat
99.9% - Brian McComas
Roll With Me- Montgomery Gentry
Searchin' My Soul - Vonda Shepard
Old Days - John Hiatt
Life in a Northern Town - Sugarland
Galileo - Indigo Girls
Maryland - Vonda Shepard
Lookin for a Good Time - Lady Antebellum
Love Run Wild - Mulch Bros
Kerosene - Miranda Lambert

-Sunny weekends + my jeep

-Tin Man

-My little tomato plants

-The new fountain (and the old one relocated to the deck)

-My new laundry detergent - makes my sheets smell kick ass

"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to be where I have been"

Ooops I did it again...

Um no, sorry no Brittney school girl here...more like Beaver makes his first appearance at the summer solstice, drunken shadow puppets, olympic deck tryouts, schmear shadows, bad Bo Bice impersonators, bald birds and more clams. Absolutely all being very blog of my own worthy and little miss procrastination will now attempt to cram them all into one.


The Summer Solstice Party -

Its a long awaited event...Beaver makes his first blog appearance. Beaver for those of you that don't know is my alter ego. Yes to the unsuspecting eye he appears to be a stuffed animal but he is in fact quite vocal and quite charming. Most everyone close to me have heard the Beav's rants about life, movie reviews or just his plain COMPLETELY unfiltered opinions. He sounds a bit Cartman-ish. I am aware that my need for mental evaluation is going to be out there on the table for all to see. As Nan just told me recently when I told the bartender that I needed beer caps to make Beaver a pointy Madonna bra..."you just peaked his interest or played your crazy as hell card". I was ragingly sober when I made the request btw...and I'm pretty sure that it was the crazy bitch card that he saw.


Anyways, we threw a Summer Solstice party (we being Nan & me...and of course Beaver attended). It wound up getting rained out and a rouge gale force wind knocked Beav off the deck and into the mulch but not before a photo opp.

I would have taken one of him doing the mulch crawl but I heard a shriek and Nan was already in the yard to his rescue before I knew what was going on....he of course cussed us out for not having more safety precautions in place. He insisted that I leave the flames from the tiki torch in the pic...thought it made him look dare devilish. He's kicking it in his little belly shirt. (which Mr Man brought him from a road trip) As you can see...those close to me find him very endearing. Moving on to a more sane story...

Working on a Monday hangover....

The following incidents may or may not have occurred. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

So Sunday evenings tend to be gather on the deck & make use of the newly acquired ice bucket nights. (This newly acquired ice bucket was found at the very back of cabinet at the beach...I'm thinking it was a wedding gift of my parents.) Poor ice bucket. Its 40 years old and just now getting to live its dream of attributing to deck drunkenness....its catching on well though.

It all started as uneventful and innocent as any other Sunday...Me and the Nanner (secret spy name) deck, rum, satellite radio, ice bucket, talk of work or idiots or whatever else we need to cover....then it happened. She did a wicked adirondak dismount. I instinctly held my score above my head. Her reply " And a score of 9 from the liberal Cuban judge!" The dog ran...first out of fear of being landed on...then because the bipeds appeared to be close to self implosion. Funny thing about us is that we both snort when we laugh. When the snorting subsided and it was obvious that she had settled back into the plasty adirondak seemingly an abandon of her original plan, I asked - Where the hell were you going?--"Beijing" was the answer. Something to be said for cat like reflexes and wit. It was the beginning of a long night...

It was the scene of the first official drunk deck dancing to "sneakin a freakin" and soon after the shadow puppets on the back of my house via tiki torch ...my neighbors love me. When its not something like this Mr Man likes to bark and stir up the dogs in the neighborhood... Now I know everyone tends to think I'm the crazy one. Crazy as in say anything and not give a damn - yes. Crazy as in sneakin a freakin shadow puppet - no. I leave that job to my very unsuspecting PC friend. And yes, she was quite successful at achieving the original goal of Monday hangover.

Mom's 40th Birthday will be the reason for $10k worth of therapy

Friday night I ventured out to karaoke, not that I meant to. I am like the worse date in the world to take to karaoke. I laugh and I can't help it....like loud. A chick from work was in town and we wanted to grab a drink. I in my best hermit attempt to not get more than 3 miles from the house suggested the local shithole unbeknownst to me was the scene of a birthday party/soft porn with my barely teenage kids present redneck loving nastiness. Dear god...its a wonder I ever leave the house. The dude was a Bo Bice impersonator (meaning he had used to look to get laid on at least a couple of occasions or I'll kiss your ass) the chick had a drunken aged out Darryl Hanna look to her. In a different setting...say one where they could stand on their own and weren't trying to perform live sex acts at the table with the entire family present they probably wouldn't have been a bad looking couple...but alas that were not the case. So chicky is in knee length white shorts and at some point gets out there to dance...obviously forgetting why she had been sitting on his lap the whole time. Yep...its my birthday and the chinese man brought me a surprise. Dude. Being a girl I know that its not something terribly challenging to keep up with...and if for some really unfortunate reason you don't do well with the keeping up with it you promptly exit stage left. OH HELL NO...it was her birthday and she was staying. She got gone for a while...I was hoping to god that someone had come up with a Tide to go pen or something but nope...the schmear was developing its own shadow. And she just kept piling up on that dudes lap. I'm sure he was a DNA luminal nightmare before he got home to shout that mess out. Not to mention the odds of him scoring, celebrity look a like or not, were pretty slim. The Nasty Meter was pegged. And the 13 year olds got to witness it all. Picked up the contents of moms purse that spilled out several times. Obviously they didn't have to worry about the embarrassment of chasing a tampon around on the floor.....

Freak of Nature of a Nature Freak?

So check this out. This is either a "its really hot, f my comb" or a political extremist cardinal....freaky. But I dig his individuality. Rock on bad ass state bird.

And the clams....

The only reason this is last is for the sheer sake of chronological order. Mr Man shows up with not just 4 dozen monster clams....but she crab soup, crab cakes and a real live made from scratch Key Lime Pie. The only favorite thing of mine that was missing was pickled eggs but they wouldn't have gone with the pie. I'm easy to excite and jump up and down when I get that way....this made me jump. I don't know where he came from but I'm certainly glad he decided to land on planet Semi Crazy Hermit Girl. I happen to have just enough dock space.