Rant

Not that I'm politically minded at all. And not that I know the complete story or the "big picture" but I just got off the phone with Nanner, my partner in crime or more be it lately, the sisterhood of the traveling unemployed goodwill pants. (We recently went out and realized that both of us were dressed in sweaters from the Goodwill store...sad but true.) And I am on a tear. It seems that part of the economic stimulus package includes 335 million dollars for STD teenage education and prevention. Um, ok...I'm confused... Please please someone tell me what itchy dick has to do with the f-ing economy?? Pass out some goddamn condoms and tell them to have at it....that's what they're going to do anyhow. I'm pretty sure the government could get the mongo packs from Costco for less that 335 million f-ing dollars! Not to mention the parents should have all the time in the world to talk about safe sex being that none of them have a damn job. If you get itchy dick go to the health department. I have ABSOLUTELY no room for this right now. And apparently there is a need for a 120 million dollar sod and general renovation needed for the "mall" since the grass got trampled on by a gazillion sonabitches last week. God knows we need the grass to look nice for all the homeless people to sleep on. I just think that we have more to worry about than fishy twat...there are in fact bigger fish to fry at the present.

Friday Night...HGTV muted

#1 - First and foremost...I start my first bartending gig on Monday!!! HOOTY HOO for me! I'm quite stoked. It's working 3 nights a week (which translates into - 3 nights a week I'm going to be sober) at a hotel bar but everything starts with baby steps...I'm just happy to be baby stepping on a new path...not to mention it's smoke free. Score me.

#2 - I downloaded pictures from the camera and realized all the shit I forgot to tell you about. We went to the boat show in Ft. Lauderdale the last of Oct / first of Nov. We didn't rent a car because you could walk a couple of blocks and take the ferry or a bus to any of the boat show sites. We were hoofing it across this big ass bridge when the horn blew and a little pedestrian railroad arm came down (idiot protection...which I completely disagree with...if a vertical f-ing wall of concrete and steel doesn't deter you I'm just thinking the human race might be stronger without ya) I was probably more entertained by it than I should have been...I even made Mr Man pose in front of it but he's made me swear no testosterone pics on the blog you just get the bridge....I was such a tourist.

Then we see this from the bridge....If I were a betting chick I would probably say these folks are not surviving off of unemployment like some of us are now...WTF is all I have to say. In case you can't make out the picture the first boat has 2 helicopters a couple of jet skis and a pool on the third deck. The next over has a Hummer, Mini Cooper, 2 jet skis, 3 motorcycles, a four wheeler and what looks to be about a 30 ft w/ 2 engines inside of it. (It doesn't show up in the picture but one of these f-ers has a blimp in the cargo garage. Again I say...wtf.

We did find this which seemed to be much more functional for our kind...

#3 - Finally something was done with the gazillion crab legs that we had frozen from the summers crab season. We funked up my house and picked crab meat for no less than like 3 hours or so....Picture 1 is a shot of the pre-picked crab legs...we had maybe 5 pots of them (really I don't remember...it just seemed like the crab legs where doing rabbit mating and it was killin' me). Picture 2 is of the entire amount of crab meat we wound up getting out of them. Now you must remember...this was two very efficient adults and this is all there was. Not our fault. It did make some quite kick ass crab soup. I bought some she crab and condensed milk and added our hours of labor crab. It was worth it but I doubt you'll catch us doing it again.




#4 -Itchy and Roger. It was a foggy morning and the Man and myself were taking Rogo dog to the beach to run wild when we passed what looked like a puppy on a rock pile in a construction area...we turned around to go rescue it and found Itchy the fox. Nothing we did seem to distract him from his apparent crab contraction from a Saturday night out cattin'. I am such a pansy ass when it comes to animals and felt sooo bad for this little dude but he made a great picture.


Mr Dog was not much in a running mood this day...he was still nursing a sprained paw (a stuffed cow incident gone awry) but he did look pretty handsome in his own dog way.

He wanted me to point out his nicely tucked abs....

#5 - Lastly I will leave you with my current box office recommendation. Nanner, Mr Man and myself went to see Gran Torino last night. It was awesome. All I have to say is there are some one liners worthy of adding to any daily vocabulary.

Halle-fucking-lujah

Stone-terd-henge & 2008 Reflection

The big news from a couple weeks back...my dog pooped Stonehenge! I walked him and was waiting for him to finish is dog bidness when I noticed him sniffing something. It was his terd standing straight up on end!! Like a BIG ONE. I took off running for the house yelling for Mr Man to get me the camera...then went running back to the field of said terd on end. Mr Man of course joined me since judging from my excitement it was something to behold. (note - he did not run like I did...matter of fact he didn't even walk fast but he did come to see it.) So I looked and looked and looked ...no terd statue. Then I found it...gravity had apparently won. I spun around and said "Stand it back up for me so I can get a picture!" I don't recall exactly but I think the response was something like "have you lost you f-ing mind". So no photo documentation...trust me I would have posted it.

2008 Review
A whole lot happens in a trip around the sun doesn't it? I've said it before but it worthies itself repeated. On paper 2008 looks a little rough. Having lived through the everydays of it I'd have to stand up and argue differently. I doubt I've ever experienced the amount of change in the same amount of time that the last 366 days have brought. Its not hard to pinpoint the one thing that had the biggest impact on me. And I guess in death's defense I've always teetered on the ledge and have been waiting for some time for something to blame for jumping off the ride. Mr Man and myself have the conversation on occasion that we have stood through more storms in the time we've been together than most people go through possibly ever. It's had a very zen like effect on me. We walked down to the boat landing last week with Roger to feed the seagulls old bread and a little over halfway there it started raining so we turned around...raining doesn't really describe it. It freakin poured...and thundered and I have a freak of a dog when it thunders. We found a porch to hang out on and talked about nothing in particular...then decided to walk on since it was probably not going to stop until May or something. If it wouldn't have been for the dog setting pace we probably wouldn't have even walked fast. This in the past would have shorted me out. There have been so many things that have happened that would rank at least 7.5 or higher on life's Richter scale that nothing really gets a rise out of me anymore. There's something to be said for even keel.
Christmas was ok...mom wasn't as weepy as I had anticipated...there was a big picture of daddy but it was odd being in their house and him not being there... but we carry on. New Years Eve last year was about as icky as Thanksgiving... Mr X had moved on from stalking to humping legs and bedding down any and all takers. This year was great...I was cuddled up in the bed with Mr Man and thanks to some drunk texter got woken up just in time to watch the ball drop.

I can honestly say I have no regrets this year...but here are some of the things I know now.
-I am not built for sobriety
-If you leave cat food out over night you will really be feeding Rocky the Raccoon
-Sex should not be limited to birthdays, holidays and special occasions
-If you run screaming thru the house that your multi color terd is stuck in the toilet it really doesn't translate well...or get the superhero help that you were hoping for
-The earth doesn't stop spinning or even slow down for anyone
-No matter what - They can't eat you
-The only things you regret in life are the risks you didn't take
-If you have a chance to be happy you grab it with both hands and the hell with the consequences

Maybe next year I'll start acting my age....turn a new leaf over my wicked ways....get a real job and start pulling my weight....only 365 day until I change my ways.

Girl Update

I'm not sure how I can ROCK and at the same time be a complete doober...and no I don't have an exact definition of doober but refer to the following picture for a visual explanation. The rockin portion of me is that I blew out my bartender exam and speed test...19 drinks in 8 minutes...that must have taken all I had and all that was left was doober. OMG and I made the best f-ing chili ever tasted by man yesterday! It's called Green Turkey Chili...I know...makes your mouth water just thinking about gangrene turkey but that's all I can tell you about it because I have decided that it is now my signature dish and I can't share any details for risk of cheap wanna be girl impersonators

AND I have taken thrift to an all new level....the used dvd that I bought for 2 family members to share as the only christmas gift...well we watched it the other night. I reeeally wanted Mr Man to see it and what the hell...it was already opened. He dug it too.

I guess technically I have 2 gifts. I scanned a really old picture of me and my daddy on the beach and did some restoring or what not. I think I'm gonna have my mom open that one after I leave...it ain't gonna be pretty.

So we have really officially established ourselves in a new circle of friends...last night we were invited to a house party and a christmas day bring your leftovers and drink get together (its at our bar but it was none the less cool that everyone was making sure we were planning on coming) Its nice to hang out with people who don't know any frickin thing about you other than completely volunteered information...its nice to know that they are not a direct informational highway to an X or in my case that none of them are going to become the next bed down to said X (that's a story for another day). I'm digging the lack of agenda and freshness of new people.

Now for the visual portion of you update experience. See attached doober and then me in all my cuteness.

A Stray Stranger

So Mr Man is being all industrious and spray painting a night table for the extra bedroom when he comes in and tells me that right dead in the center of the top of it is a Roger or Carletta hair.
To which I reply"How do you know its not a cock hair?"
Mr Man: "Because its straight not curly"
Me: "Well it could be one from the butt crack...you know the constant pressure straightens them"

So goes most conversations between us...never a predictable moment.

Midweek boredom has run all up on my ass

Holy shit I'm bored tonight. And I have like 170ish drink recipes running around in my head like rabid horny squirrels...not to mention the random worthless trivia stuff that I've crammed in there for the last week and half. Good news is that I still have the capacity to piss people off by just being me. Yay! I shorted out this redneck chick today in class. She is the female version of a tool (I'm pretty sure me and Nan came up with a name for it but it escapes me at the moment) and I'm pretty glad I pissed her off...she's been wearing me out from a distance so WTF...turn about is fair play.

OMG I had another epiphany today...so after my Time for a Change blog I got a call back from the only real adult job that was still on the table. It was of course to let me know that they are going through a lot of restructuring yaddy yaddy... they would know more in 30-60 days blah blah whatever. None of this came as any surprise. The epiphany though was - Why is it that I am struggling to get my head around the idea of stepping out and making a career change?...it dawned on me suddenly...I HAVE A DAMN TATTOO TO REMIND ME TO TRUST MY INTUITION! I guess I shouldn't have put it on my back...out of sight and all.

So in my boredom tonight I made white trash...white chocolate melted over chex mix and random other stuff. It's good as hell but f-ing up my rum & grapefruit (which I have learned is not really a drink so make that 171ish drinks I know). Back in MarriedLand (not to be confused with CandyLand) the neighbor use to make this stuff and bring some over. It's good but not worth staying married over it.

Speaking of...the divorce countdown is officially in overtime. I had already vowed that I wasn't in for another dime and now I have a really good excuse. Mr X seems hot of the trail of "tying up the loose ends". My keen dog senses tell me that being "separated" past the allotted time is scaring off all of the good tail. I guess I'm, even in my absence, running cock blocker...well actually the opposite of it. Call it what you will, its about to score me a free divorce.

Well I'm going to go watch some Dog the Bountyhunter on mute. You don't know how much I wish I was kidding...

Time for a Change

I'm struggling with the grown up job scene vs. the overall shortness of time here in this human suit and the purpose of playing by the rules. I rock with algebra but this one is stumping me. It seems like the Universe is giving me big blaring blatant hints at every turn.

The real corner turner was watching my Daddy die so out of time and just shy of that ever so elusive "someday". I've been in this town for 10 years now...hard to believe, some days it feels like I just got here. But it brings the reality of exactly what 10 years feels like home to you. Mr Man has a friend that was just diagnosed with some gnarly and really advanced cancer. He's 10 years older than me. I'd be willing to bet that his last 10 years have felt as fast as mine did.

So why do we continue playing by the unwritten rules of grownup-edness? Why would I keep searching for the next job to tie me to a town that I don't care to stay in, so that I can pass another 10 years planning for my "someday". This has been a pretty big topic of conversation with Mr Man over the past several months. I think a lot of it is some drilled in belief that we all have of what success is. It always seems to involve a health care plan and 401k and if you can get to 100k in the first 2 years. I'm starting to think the safer future may be in mobility and ability to adapt and land on your feet no matter which state you find yourself.

I have a necklace called The Changer - Everything she touches changes - Everything that touches her gets changed. For years now, every time I put it on I sing this song...don't know why, just one of my weird quirks.

It's time for a Change
I'm tired of that same ol' same
The same ol' words and the same ol' lines
The same ol' tricks and the same ol' rhymes.

Days precious days
Rollin' in and out like waves
I've got boards to bend
I've got planks to nail
I've got charts to plot
I've got seas to sail

Let the chips fall where they will
I've got boats to build.

It played Saturday when we were sitting at our bar (not really ours but I think we own stock in it now) I of course told the story for the millionth time about my Changer necklace. Mr Man asked if I was ready for a change. I said "This is my change". I guess I'm just tired of fighting it. How many "successful" adult jobs do you have to loose and how many people do you have to see miss out on their Somedays before you read the writing on the wall and count yourself lucky? I'm ready to call a spade a spade. And he said to me "No two days will ever be the same and no yesterday will be as good as tomorrow." I yelled for my bartender chicky to give me a pen and wrote it down. He wowed me again.