Bitter Sweet

Sunday morning 8:52 - Spaghetti w/ goat cheese and Season 2 of Weeds.  How can any one not want to be me??
Not sure if the entire world experiences odd planetary alignment at the exact same time or not but everyone close to me seems to share my schedule.  Saturn has been tilted and threatening to take out adjacent planets for the past week or so.  I have ramblings and thoughts that I've scribbled and none of them actually tie together but they warrant sharing. 

Why does hind sight seem to be my best light?  Not for me but for how people view me.  I've been trying hard lately to identify and break patterns.  The patterns that have governed my life.  The keep quiet and look fine when you're really not so much and then bailing before the unsuspecting have a clue of what's going on.  I blame no one.  I am the problem.  My non-confrontational side is damning.  I'm scarred from a childhood of "turn the other cheek" and it's made me less than honest about my feelings...whether they are the good  or the hurt ones in relationships.  My calm in the center of the storm self is a mask of what I'm dealing with on my own time.  So for the first time, as awkward as it feels to me, I actually talk about things and how I feel.  Don't worry I'm not becoming a softy and I will still kick the shit out of you. This new modified bad ass girl is only exposed to one Velcro... to everyone else, expect to see no difference.  Pretty sure after I wrote this I went to bed before dark...in a tourist town...obviously I am awesome.


I have a new red flag.  Red flags, if you don't know, are the list of things that are to me considered deal breakers.  It was brought to my attention by Nanner when talking about one of the X's that contacted her this week. (Not sure why that runs in waves but it does.)  This particular X wears only super hero boxers...kinda like underoo's for grown ups I guess.  My response..."Um...Are you fucking kidding me?"   I can understand a pair or two that someone gave you as a "I have no idea wtf to get you for xmas" gift, but nope...apparently they are all that way.  This went on my red flag list. 
-Super Hero Undies
-Certain astrological signs that I will not divulge.
-Delusions of marriage
-Religion and Politics - I don't care how you feel as long as its not something you like to debate in bars and at no point feel the need to tell me I am wrong (this is more religion that politics as I have very little opinion on those)
-Kids that aren't grown and self sufficient
-Bad Feet
-Bad Teeth
-Vanity
-People who yell at TVs
There are more I'm sure.  And at my current rate of adding them by the end of this calendar year there's not a chance of any human  filtering through the screen.  Current company obviously excluded from that statement. 


Yesterday marked the end of an era of sorts.  I sold the Shu.  It was my longest running relationship with a vehicle.  It had hauled my little belongings around through 6 moves.  It had seen its share of fur and bikes and bad car singing.  I'm torn between handiness and need.  Not to mention I had 5 1/2 years of travel documented on the back of it via stickers from everywhere from the Outer banks to Key West to Islamorada & Daytona.  It's also the end of another era ,or more like one of my patterns.  I've kept 2 cars at a time since I was 26.  I guess it goes under the category of safety net or my ever present escape plan.  At any point I've always had a Hurricane Evacuation route safely detailed out in my head...not that I would ever actually admit or divulge it to anyone.  I guess it started about the same time...I was about 24 or 25 when I moved away and out of my first house.  I held on to it as a "rental property" but in my mind it was Plan B.  I've always kept another property as a worst case scenario bail out.  I use to also not wear shoes that would hinder me breaking out in a dead run...I've gotten over that one for the most part.
Last year when I sold my house in Greensboro everything in me shifted and I panicked.  Panicked because of the lack of options and independence.  I never would have moved back but...worse case, I could.   As simple as it seems to sell the extra car that I barely drive in my tiny gourd it was a very big step.  I've cut another safety net down.  To be perfectly honest I don't have an evacuation route in the GPS right now either.  One of my favorite stickers said "Quit your Job. Buy a Ticket. Get a Tan. Fall in Love. Never Return."  Think I did it.